Fantasy Football Owner's Manual

Tuesday Hangover: The week we got iced

2011-12-06T10:55:00.005-05:00

Much has been made of Jason Garrett's snafu on Sunday. You know the one. The one where he iced his own kicker in the process of drilling a 49-yard field goal. And then the same kicker missed the same field goal. And then the 5-7 Arizona Cardinals scored in overtime making the divisional split between NFC East and the putrescent NFC West a very respectable 7-9 showing for the West. Not too shabby for a division that sent the 7-9 Seahawks to the playoffs last year.

What does that say about Jason Garrett? I don't know. But I can promise it was about the funniest gaffe that's happened in a season of delightful missteps that featured Norv Turner, Donovan McNabb and the Indianapolis Colts.

So what? So is it high time I said that I was wrong about Tebow? Should I do what everyone else is doing and give credit to the defense while noting that Tebow may be coming around just a teensy bit as a passer? Should I fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness because honestly I might not have guessed that Jesus himself could have turned the Bronco's year around because of his slight stature and general lack of knowledge about the NFL considering He was doing good stuff for folks before even Al Davis (rest his soul) was born (but just barely)?
Fine.
I'll go ahead and say it. I love watching Tebow play quarterback the way I loved watching Paul The Octopus (rest his soul) miraculously pick World Cup winners one after another on down the line. It's the drama of the impossible. Tebow is pure underdog and everyone enjoys it when an underdog wins. Especially when said underdog has been filleted by the cruel knives of the media his whole professional career. So yeah, all credit to Tebow, he has a way of lifting his team. His spirit is indomitable, even if his own owner and coach are dying a thousand deaths over how to draft another QB without completely losing the fan base. Hilarious.

On to the week
-For almost every league this was the last week of the regular season. Which means that exactly half of you no longer give a rat's tail about fantasy football and are either drinking heavily and cursing names like Josh Freeman, Kevin Kolb, Felix Jones, LeGarrette Blount, Jermichael Finley, Anquan Boldin (there I said it), Reggie Wayne, Andre Johnson and scores of other disappointments that kept the waiver wires churning like an Albuquerque meth lab, or you are making amends to your wife and family for spending three months lost in your laptop trying to figure out how you could let Victor Cruz slip through your fingers.

-Of the remaining half that still cares: 1/3 of you slipped into the playoffs out of sheer luck and late season blasts by Willis McGahee, Chris Johnson and Percy Harvin; 1/3 of you have been solidly in the playoffs for weeks but are about to get drummed since you made your early season living off Fred Jackson, Michael Vick, Matt Forte and Miles Austin; and the remaining 1/3 are all dead to me because you have hung around long enough for your crappy teams to Rumpelstiltskin themselves into fantasy gold. My only satisfaction is that you probably had to offer up a pound of flesh, or a future child in order for this to happen for you. All I know for sure is that everyone in that last class owns Victor Cruz, and I loathe you all.

-Did anyone notice Jon Gruden sucking up to the Chargers on Monday night? His eyes were bigger than may daughter's when we walk by the Disney Store. Pretty please San Diego hire Jon Gruden. Maybe he can make your team good. Maybe no one can make your team good. But as long as he's sitting on a sideline not filling prime time air with his hyperbolic ass-kissery the general public will be smarter, the freefall of the American IQ may stop, and our entire economy may turn around. We can get this country moving in the right direction people, it's all up to San Diego making Gruden an offer.

-I've always said that when it comes to gambling it's as hard to lose as it is to win - if it wasn't everyone could just pick a loser then fade themselves all the way to the bank. In fantasy football it is, presumably, a little easier to fall on your own sword. I can honestly say that I always preferred to win games than to lose them, even if I'm out of the playoff hunt. But with a team filled with the Michael Vicks, Anquan Boldins and Darren Sproles of the world, winning just wasn't in the cards. However, having been out of playoff contention for two weeks I've managed to string together two solid wins. I'll almost certainly lose next week when I play Drew Brees, Rob Gonkowski and the Victor Cruz's, but my dream of a top 4 pick is the roadkilliest.

-Congrats to all who made the playoffs. I'll be checking in periodically as interesting things happen, but I'll return to regular publication next summer with what are probably the most brilliant draft suggestions ever laid down by man. Seriously, I'm drafing an insanely great team next year. There's no way around it.

Tuesday Hangover: The End Is Near

2011-11-29T14:00:00.003-05:00

This week's biblical reference brought to you by Tim Tebow who spent the weekend simultaneously proving everyone right and wrong.
Say what you will about the people who love Tim Tebow and the host of intangibles he brings to the table that allows his team to keep on winning, but they are right about one thing: he is obviously Denver's best chance to win this year, and certainly the best chance we have of seeing John Elway burst into flames on the sidelines as his QB becomes less and less replaceable.
At the same time, say what you will about the fantasy owners and their inability to value the things that matter in the NFL (things like amping up your teammates and making the league a little less secular one Tebow at a time), in their devotion to statistics they have been able to identify one irrefutable metric: Tebow is not good at throwing a football. This slight imperfection may or may not become important down the line since Denver can't play the AFC West, Sanchez and the Dolphins every week. And we can all agree on one thing, the AFC West makes the NFC West look like the NFC North, except with better views.
To stay on point here, the chargers are ho-horrendous. Philip Rivers' arm has not benefited from the recent bout of syphilis that has clearly rendered his brain cottage cheese. This particular bout of mushiness brings into relief the age old question: do receivers make quarterbacks or vice versa? My feeling is that this question is entirely situational...and in this situation Vincent Jackson was quite obviously the beneficiary of River's formerly elite arm, 'cause he's not exactly saving his QB from a dismal year.

On to the week:
-I think this sums up my season: in two leagues in which I started Dez Bryant I was playing against Laurent Robinson. The effect of this pairing is doubled pain. Every time a catch was made, all I could see was the number 8 bouncing around in the end zone and was left to wrongly presume that Dez had scored only to find on each occasion that Robinson was the guy with the ball, mocking me.

-All was not horrible though. Even though Dez, VJax, Anquan Boldin, Andre Johnson and pretty much every other receiver in the league disappeared this weekend Wes Welker and Roddy White showed us that it was, in fact, possible to catch and run with a football.

-If you use Yahoo! for your fantasy league you are treated on a regular basis for the mass droppings of a particular player. Most recently it was Fred Jackson after the midweek admission that he's all busted up and done for the year. But after Kevin Smith's explosive return to football two weeks ago everyone and their brother was scrambling to drop Maurice Morris. Having missed the bus on Smith I decided I'd just go ahead and keep Morris and in one league I was even forced to start him. You can imagine how excited I was to turn on the TV to see Smith limping around on the sidelines. The lesson here: Just because everyone is zigging doesn't mean you should underestimate Kevin Smith's ability to get injured.

-My friends/family league has entered uncharted levels of parity. I'd like to think this is because we all have matured into competent fantasy owners, but more likely we've all got too many kids to hustle the waiver wire successfully so the owners who don't pay know squat stand as much of a chance as those who have previously been dominant. At this point in the season there are 6, 6-6 teams, two teams with byes, two teams with snowballs chances and 2 teams that are composting as we speak. Potentially the season could end with with 8 6-7 teams. As any commissioner knows, this will result in 4 pissed off owners whining about the league settings and me trying to find the patience not to tell each of them to eat a bag of the aforementioned compost.

-Chances of the colts winning a game this year have probably been reduced to zilch having wasted their last best winnable game. I sure hope Andrew Luck loves the Midwest. I know the path from Silicon Valley to Indy has been well worn as people looking to escape scenic northern California made it halfway back to the east coast before planting their roots in Indiana. I'm sure Luck will be very happy.

Speaking of dumping games, I figured I'd be in good shape next year in my keeper league if I ended up with a top 4 pick (AP, Ray Rice, LeSean and Arian Foster will all be available in this league). And the way my team has dropped games when I've put a lot of thought into the lineup, I assumed when Vick went down, followed by Cutler (my backup), leaving me stuck with Vince Young I was guaranteed to get whipped this week. Alas, Vince looked like his days at UT and bam! I'm in the dreaded middle of the pack once again. Which just goes to show that it's easier to lose a game in reality than in fantasy.

Broncos waive Kyle Orton - Lovie Smith's prayers answered by Tim Tebow

2011-11-22T16:31:00.003-05:00

USA today is reporting that the Denver Bronco's have released once and future quarterback Kyle Orton. Seems like the prudent move, I mean when the rest of your stable of QBs is stocked with the likes of Tim Tebow and Brady Quinn, why not get rid of a competent passer. Who needs 'em.

Fact is after the way Broncos fans treated Orton he would be well within his rights to throw nothing but intentional pick 6s if he ever got his hands on the ball again. For a group that worships at the alter with Tebow, you'd think they'd have displayed a little more compassion than what they did.

But Denver's loss is somebody's gain. Between the injured QBs, the rookie QBs who aren't Cam Newton and Matt Leinart, there are a lot of opportunities for a guy like Orton to find a home rather quickly. Just yesterday the pundits were talking about the Bears needing to run out and pick up Marc Bulger for the love of God. And frankly that may still be their best option since I have a hard time imagining that someone with a better waiver position won;t swoop in and snatch Orton up. Perhaps someone in the same division as Denver? Kansas City can't possibly have enjoyed Tyler Palko's pick fest against one of the worst pass defenses in the league last night. How awesome would it be for Orton to get a chance to face Tebow on the field in week 17 against the Broncos? So awesome that it should be mandatory prime time viewing.

Look even farther down the waiver rankings and gaze upon the once proud Redskins who need two more QBs and two fewer RBs.

If by some magical chance the Bears prayers are answered and Orton comes home to play substitute QB while Cutler heals, I'll enjoy the look on Cutler's face every time Orton throws a TD. Cutler has a wonder way of expressing his innermost feelings with a palette of scowls rivaling Dick Cheney.

Either way, this is wonderful news for Kyle who could use a fresh start, hopefully somewhere where he can play Denver endlessly.

Tuesday Hangover: Your whole team is injured

2011-11-22T10:45:00.003-05:00

The consistent theme woven through this season is the thread of injury. Whether it's a season-ending injury (Peyton Manning, Kenny Britt, Jamaal Charles, Matt Schaub, the list goes on), or it just feels like the whole season (Andre Johnson, Darren McFadden, Ahmad Bradshaw, Austin Miles), to the nagging little things that hold guys out of one or two games (Adrian Peterson?, Julio Jones, Shonn Greene, Michael Vick) the weekly CBSSports.com injury report reads like Tolstoy - with fewer Russians.

The biggest question marks going into week 12 will be the status of Adrian Peterson who has been remarkably durable for a guy who is the backbone of his team's offense and gets darn little support from their aerial attack. But given the Vikings 2-8 record and the certainty that they will not make the playoffs, resting a high ankle sprain might be the wiser path - which is why Toby Gerhart went off the boards so fast this weekend.

It would be negligent not to mention the enormous question mark that sits over Michael Vick's return now that his replacement went out and Tebow'd* his way to victory (*doing everything possible to lose except actually losing). For those of you who didn't tune in to the Sunday night game pitting the Giants against the Eagles, Vince Young's Sputnik looking passes have not found any more snap or any less loft in his days waiting in the wings. In fact I couldn't tell who was the more terrified fan base coming out of that game - Eagles fans who watched in horror every time a pass left Young's hand to float in the air for what seemed like days, just begging for a defender to get underneath it and swipe the ball away (which did happen 3 times); Or the Giants who somehow managed to pick only three of these pathetic lobs out of the sky. Since winning masks a lot of pain, I'm guessing the G-Men are more angry.

Bill Simmons posed the question: How many broken ribs must Vick have before fans are happy to start Young? He suggested 9, which seemed a little low to me. But with a 1-game win streak under his belt I'm wondering if Andy Reid is going t0 risk benching the healthy (if awful) Young over the ever-ailing Vick. Considering the Eagles didn't so much revive their season as they kept the plug from being pulled, every game is a must win so I have to think Vick will start, especially against a Patriots team that will not provide the tepid offensive performance that kept the Eagles in Sunday's game.

On to the week

- With Miami practically running away from Andrew Luck like he's got a venereal disease, St. Louis still having an awful lot of NFC West teams on the horizon and Carolina looking like they are bound to start winning games just any second now, the Colts have to feel as good about their chances of grabbing the No. 1 pick. By not playing this week they not only didn't risk losing but they let some of their competition put a little distance between them. Couple more weeks of losing and the Colts might actually peek out from their burrow and decide it is safe to try to win a game and avoid the shameful 0-16 season. I wonder if Luck will ask to use Manning's number?

-I'm officially starting Torry Smith from here on out. He has outlasted the rookie maybes and is now a genuine threat to score huge plays when he is on the field. Anyone who knows Lee Evans' track record is not even a little surprised that he's completely lost his spot to someone who can actually catch a football. I'm not saying Smith is going to post up 150 yards a game, but his speed is evident and frankly the 49ers DBs won;t be able to keep up with him Thursday night. As a Niners fan it pains me to say but I'd start both Anquan Boldin and Smith on Thursday night. On the other hand I'd consider keeping Ray Rice on the bench - even if he is the first player to score a rushing TD on the Niners this year, he's probably not going to break any fantasy records with Patrick Willis crushing his little body all night.

-Did you know that Vincent Jackson and Roddy White both had 100-yard +TD days on Sunday? Feels a little like the warming glow of 2010 when those two were reliable 100+ yards a week guys. Aside from a few QBs and AP is anyone truly reliable year over year? Calvin Johnson, Mike Wallace and Dwayne Bowe are the only three guys who were top ten in receiving last year and are top 10 this year.

-You know how QBs have their favorite receivers? Tony Romo loves Jason Witten and Austin Miles, Tom Brady loves Wes Welker and Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees love anyone with two hands. Well, with Matt Hasslebeck maybe out for another game is it time to pick up Nate Washington who had a monster day with Jake Locker throwing him the ball? Not sure I'd take a chance on Locker (unless Jay Cutler is your starter - in which case you are beyond help) but if Washington has one of those simpatico relationships with Locker he might be valuable.

-Love that John Elway is able to see the forest for the trees. All the Tebowphiles may be distraught that Elway isn't yet committing to his QB, but what else is he to do? Tebow has a long track record of responding well to criticism and adversity with horrible passes followed by seemingly immaculate touchdown runs. He might be the Broncos QB for the next 10 years and every Sunday Elway has to take the stage and announce that he is not sure of Tebow has the job. Brilliant move if you ask me. If it motivates Tebow to higher levels of improbable victories - great. If he fails miserably Elway gets a new QB - great. Win Win for Elway.

-Speaking of which, the look on Elway's face when Tebow scored the game-winning touchdown was priceless. There was zero excitement in his body language, he just clapped and forced a grin that said: "Great, now I'm stuck with this guy for another week at least. So much for Andrew Luck."

Tuesday Hangover: Houston we have a problem

2011-11-15T11:18:00.003-05:00

By this point you might have a good idea where you stand in the great world of fantasy football. You are either in, or out, or on the cusp. There's not much flirting left. With 3 or 4 games to go before the fantasy playoffs depending on your format, it's likely that up to 1/3 of your league has mentally checked out and has moved on to their NBA fantasy teams or is hatching an awesome scheme for next years draft, one that will probably, but should not, include 2 dozen shots of Jagermeister. If only these bums had stopped paying attention to the waiver wire long ago you would have been able to pick up and drop Ryan Torain 6 more times without having to worry about some other jerk swooping in and stealing the worthless back from under your nose.

If only.

And in a week were quarterbacks are nearing extinction it will be a nice breath of fresh air for owners of Matt Schaub to freely go out and pick up Tavaris Jackson or John Skelton without concern that they've become too hot a commodity to be available. Sure, you could rush out and pick up former poster boy Matt Leinart, but I have it from good sources that he's more upset about Schaub's injured foot than Schaub is. But not nearly as upset as Gary Kubiak and Andre Johnson, who have both been spotted on suicide watch lists by Leinart, who uses those lists to pick up girls in Houston. Don't judge.

The only fan base who has to be more upset than Houston are those Philly fans who, 3 games out of first and one re-injured Michael Vick, must travel to New York to face a very irritated Giants team, and do it with Vince Young under center. Those two names take me back to aught 5 when Leinart was a Heisman winning quarterback in Southern Cal and all Vince Young did was win games. Seems like so long ago. Today neither one of those guys is fit to back up Tim Tebow and if trends persist Tebow'll become the first quarterback in the history of the NFL to ever start and finish a winning effort while throwing zero passes.

On to the week.

-There's a guy in my auction draft league who picked up Reggie Bush two weeks ago and seems to think Bush is awesome. The real life analogy of this is when the new guy in high school picks up the hottest girl who unbeknownst to him is only single because she's the biggest tramp on campus. Only once she starts dating the new guy she totally cleans up her act and turns them both into the big winners along the way. Everyone else is left scratching their heads waiting for her to screw it up, but so far the new guy is just sitting there with a huge smile on his face, barely aware of her past. I never should have dropped Reggie Bush.

-Speaking of Reggie Bush and people with trampy pasts, reports have surfaced that the weekend before Kim Kardashian dropped her husband she "met" with Reggie in New York when he was in town to play the Giants. That Sunday Reggie took the field and statistically hasn't looked back since. Whatever happened between Kardashian and Bush, about a million fantasy owners need to buy her new perfume as a way of saying thank you. Also for the videos, thank her for those too.

-Rodgers, Rodgers, Rodgers. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. And the Packers and Rodgers are quire clearly the one-eyed team in this season's barrel of the blind. So with no offensive powerhouse left to cheer for ESPN has informed its pundits (Trent Dilfer) that Rodgers is the second coming of Christ and not only that but the greatest QB of all time. Well I can't speak to his being the son of God (though I doubt Jesus would do car insurance ads) but he's definitely not the best QB ever. He's awesome and he's taking full advantage of the new world the NFL lives in - but last night Stuart Scott posed the question to Dilfer and Steve Young: Is Aaron Rodgers the best ever? After Dilfer slobbered all over Rodgers for what seemed like a lifetime, Young, who you may recall played with Joe Montana, delicately chose to answer a different question rather than tell the truth: Rodgers is probably not even as good as Brady in his prime, much less Montana. And I'd like to add to that...

-The Packers aren't really all that unbeatable themselves. There. I said it. They will not win the Superbowl this year because their defense is just not all that great. Allow me to demonstrate: Their biggest win came in the first game of the season against the Saints (who, by the way, posted 34 on them in Green Bay). They eeked by Carolina. Beat the Bears before they remembered that Matt Forte was on the roster. They beat Denver but got 23 points hung on them (none of which could be attributed to Tebow, somehow). Probably their next best win is going to Atlanta and beating a very pedestrian Falcons team by 11. Then the McNabb Vikings. Followed by the Chargers who are currently horrible. And then the rookie Ponder Vikings. People want to talk about undefeated season? From here on out the Packers will get the Lions home and away, the Giants on the road, Oakland, and the Bears once again featuring Matt Forte. I see two losses in there easy. Maybe 3. Possibly 4. Look, the Packers are awesome, maybe the best team, and I get media hyperbole, but let's settle down, the Giants and the Steelers are both probably better because they both can play defense.

-Did Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch just go for almost 170 combined yards and a TD in the Seahawks win over Baltimore? Yes. Yes he did. You still probably shouldn't start him. Better to let him perform on your bench then to let him fool you into thinking he's actually good.

-Larry Fitzgerald on the other hand? I think we've found him a starting quarterback. See you later Kevin Kolb. Is it possible that the Eagles knew how bad Kolb was (knowing he was still way better than McNabb) - pumped up the expectations for a great Kolb era in Philly while bringing Vick in the back door as a "project"? Then after Kolb does little in the first few games last year they pull an injury stunt, swear the Eagles are still his team, give the team to Vick, wait a year then trade the promise of Kolb? I think that for a team full of geniuses the Eagles sure can't figure out how to win a freaking game. I'd hate to be an Eagles fan.

-You know what I love being? A 49ers fan. My team is 8-1 yet up until this week all people could talk about was how the Cowboys came back on them, or how the Eagles blew it, or how Harbaugh is a jerk who shakes hands too hard. Instead they should have been focusing on the body parts that Patrick Willis is ripping off of people left and right. And the OLine that is keeping Alex Smith relevant for the first time in his 7 year career and at the same time is letting Frank Gore run wild (you know, until this week when it let Kendall Hunter run not-quite-wild). I know, the 49ers are a long shot to win the Superbowl, or probably even the NFC, but it won't take much more than a little luck for them to get home field advantage throughout, and when you get a little luck, who knows. There, now that I've openly said that, the Niners are going to drop 4 in a row to the Cardinals, the Ravens, the Rams and the Cardinals again. It was fun while it lasted.

-I'm taking Chris Johnson with the first pick next year. Just you watch.

-Michael Bush just showed us what kind of line the Raiders have. Anyone the Raiders start is worth starting.

-Know what the only good bet in the NFL is this year? That the Colts will win no more than one game. And that one win will only happen if all the other Luck-focused teams have two wins. No one wants to go 0-16, 1-a5 is much better if you can do that and still get your boy.

-I am currently in 1 playoffs, out of 1 playoffs, looking really good in another and pretty bad in the 4th. I just hope I can remember which teams I have to pay attention to.

Tuesday Hangover: Oops, Miami accidentally won

2011-11-08T11:45:00.005-05:00

It is not as hard to lose football games as it is to win them. But it might be as hard to lose every football game as it is to win every football game. Sometimes life just gets in the way. Sometimes Reggie Bush remembers what it was like when people thought he was good at football. Sometimes you just stare across the field and see the unshaven, self-satisfied, deeply annoying face of Todd Haley and you say to yourself: I cannot lose to this fuzzy dirthole.

And I suspect that's exactly what happened Sunday in Kansas City where the hapless Miami Dolphins walked into Arrowhead with a perfect record and walked out losers in the "Suck For Luck" sweepstakes. In a game where Matt Moore passed for almost 250 yards and 3 TDs and Reggie Bush pitched in nearly 150 of his own plus a TD the Dolphins showed us that even when faced with the possible thrill of going 0-16 and drafting Andrew Luck there is something so horrible about Todd Haley that will not let a team lay down for him, no matter the price. And the price tag on this one is huge because while Miami had been dangerously flirting with victory all season, the 0-9 Indianapolis Colts have run in the opposite direction and have been remorselessly pounded by everyone they have played since being embarrassed 62-7 by the saints on Sunday night.

So what's next? Clearly the game is over. Indy is the last zero win team in the league and their superior will to lose would seem to indicate that they are in no danger of picking up a W.

Of course even though this seems like they are a lock for Luck, the Stanford QB might just take a quick tour of the malls of Indianapolis and decide that midwest living isn't what he had in mind. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Luck was researching good masters programs offered by Stanford to see if he can't find a reasonable excuse to stay in college for one more year rather than hunker down on the bench behind Peyton Manning and his new robotic neck.

And I don't hate the Colts, I'm just rooting for humor here. And in my mind the funniest possible outcome is for a team to lay down all season in the hopes of landing the crown jewel of college quarterbackery only to have the jewel bypass the draft yet again rather than playing in Indy.

On to the week.

-One of the main differences in fantasy football and real football is that just because a fantasy owners gets annoyed with a fantasy player and benches him doesn't mean that Norv Turner will. And so my attempt to teach the underperforming Vincent Jackson a lesson by letting him cool his heels this week resulted in my leaving 32 points on my bench and losing a game to Aaron Rodgers who has become just about the only truly reliable fantasy player left. This drops my best team of the season to a 3-way tie for 3rd place where I will likely end up losing to some idiotic Cleveland Browns fan.

-Speaking of Rodgers, there's been a lot of rumbling about how he's the greatest quarterback ever of all time in the whole world including Joe Montana. Which makes me want badly to point out that back in the day when Montana was putting up sick statistics he was doing it in an environment where it wasn't a criminal offense for a linebacker to crush a QBs spine, and cornerback were not playing two-hand touch with the receivers. Quarterbacks in the NFL today get more protection than endangered species do. There's a 6 square inch spot located just above a QBs belly button where it is permissible for him to be hit, everything else is off limits. To this day Joe Montana has little pieces of Lawrence Taylor lodged in his skull and deep in his bowels. Don't ever compare Aaron Rodgers to Joe Montana, it's just dumb.

-Do you have any idea how hard it is to end a fantasy game in a tie? It's virtually impossible, even more so in a league with fractional scoring. So when Michael Vick laid a Bear-sized egg in Philly last night his 14 point performance somehow managed to give me just enough juice to end my game in a tie with the second worst team in the league. 97.5 to 97.5. I did a little unscientific research and learned that there are better odds of me scratching a winning lottery ticket while being eaten by a shark who is being eaten by a bear in Jake Delhomme's living room. My season was bad enough, now I have a tie on my record. I have half a mind to not start a QB for the rest of the year a protest.

-So this DeMarco Murray is pretty good huh? Funny story, when the Cedric Benson suspension was announced I zipped out and picked up Bernard Scott so I could have a starting RB for 3 games. The incensed owner of Benson offered to trade me Murray and Tashard Choice for Scott, claiming that we are all aware of what a huge sissy Felix Jones is. I laughed at him. Two weeks later Benson's suspension was cut to 1 game, Felix was in full sissy mode and DeMarco Murray was making Jerry Jones wet himself. I'm an idiot.

-My good friend proudly announced Sunday morning that he was going to make some big changes in his lineup. he was going to start Tim Tebow and he was going to bench Jordy Nelson in favor of Darius Heyward Bey. Exactly 50% of that decision turned out to be a good idea. Tebow had a pretty good day coming up with 2 TD passes and more than 100 yards rushing, not too shabby, but unknown to the fantasy world, Heyward Bey had taken a PTO day on Sunday and was seen on a mere 12 snaps and had one ball thrown in his direction. You win some, you lose some.

-Remember back in the good ole days when Tom Brady was throwing for 1,000 yards every two games? Those days are over due in no small part to Ochocinco being really bad at playing football. I'm starting to think that maybe the Tight End, Tight End, Welker, Running Back of the day business model isn't working as well as you might think.

-I won't generally agree with my friend who complains nonstop about how fantasy football is not an accurate reflection of real football, but I have to admit that this week there were two QBs out there who by all reports were at least partially responsible for their team's respective defeats, but statistically had enormous fantasy days. Like if you didn't watch the Raiders or the Chargers play and you only saw that Philip Rivers put up 36 points and Carson Palmer posted nearly 30 you might think they had successful outings. I'm at peace with this teensy discrepancy.

-Speaking of Palmer and Rivers, they get to face off in the year's first Thursday night game where they will try to out interception one another. My money is on Rivers. Let this be your reminder to set your lineups early this week. Good Luck.

Reggie Bush breaks out. Kim Kardashian breaks up. Coincidence?

2011-11-02T13:27:00.005-04:00

I think not.

Which came first ... The Kardashian Break up or the Bush break out? It's almost impossible to say. But like any good fantasy owner would do, I'm dead set on uncovering the truth.

Reggie Bush, a bit like his ex girl Kim, gets a lot of media coverage for not really having done much to entertain the world since the early days. Kardashian has a sex tape, Bush had a Heisman (note tense). And for a while things were going pretty well. Bush got drafted and got to be a supernumerary on a Super Bowl-winning football team. Kim continued to get whatever exposure her oddly shaped glutes would allow her.

But at some point we realized that Bush's Magazine Cover to Touchdown ratio* was completely out of whack and so they split. Bush may have thought he was freeing himself up to focus on his stats. but in reality, he could never get Kardashian out of his head.

Bush was obviously heartbroken. Who wouldn't be? His 2010 season reflected his pain and he finished with fewer fantasy points than Chester Taylor. Reggie hoped to find new life in Miami but a combination of his lack of talent and heart, and the addition of an average rookie to compete with him made him pretty much useless. I know because I drafted him and even started him a few times.

But then on Oct. 30 Bush recorded his first 100 yard game of the season, and as far as I can tell, his professional life.

The very next day Kim ends her marriage. A union that could not outlast the NBA lockout. Why?

Obviously the sight of Reggie Bush running unimpeded for the first time since he was returning punts as a rookie made her remember why she fell in love with him in the first place: The NFL is just more popular than the NBA. Even in LA.

Reggie Bush owners can only hope that Bush remains inspired by his chance to rekindle his affair with Kardashian and continues to post above average, if not earth-shattering statistics. I bet if he finds the end zone this weekend Kim might give him a second chance. I know I would.

*Tom Brady's MCTD ratio is still fairly heavily weighted toward touchdowns, but let's face it, wearing man uggs around town isn't helping his tough guy image.

Pickup-of-the-week - Jonathan Baldwin

2011-11-01T15:50:00.003-04:00

Kansas City Chiefs rookie wide receiver Jonathan Baldwin's first move out of the gate was to break his thumb in a locker room fight with Thomas Jones. We assume this pent up aggression was based on Baldwin having owned Jamaal Charles in too many fantasy leagues last season - so we're giving him a pass.

Fortunately for Baldwin his 50-yard TD reception over the head of a defender happened early enough in that abysmal game that many fantasy owners were still awake to see his athleticism and take notice. Baldwin, who had 5 catches for 82 yards on the day rocketed up the waiver list Tuesday.

Coach Todd Haley has dragged inspiring performances out of his decimated team this season and he says he's quite pleased with the Baldwin's work ethic and performance. Dwayne Bowe was clearly the beneficiary of most of Matt Cassell's looks, but Baldwin is a long target on the field for Cassell and is worth a look as a bye week replacement and definitely as a prospect in keeper leagues.

Tuesday Hangover: Steven Jackson did WHAT to the Saints?

2011-11-01T11:02:00.004-04:00

While attending the monthly poker game to which I generously donate a small sum of cash, I ran into two fantasy owners who I happened to be playing this weekend. And though they were nicely at 6-1 and I was DOA at 1-6, I mentioned to them that with Aaron Rodgers on bye this week and Wes Welker playing the Steelers he was in for a traumatic beatdown, and don't they wish they had taken Calvin Johnson rather than Steven Jackson in the first round.

It occurs to me now that the moment I declared Jackson a bust I should have picked up my phone and posted a message to all interested fantasy owners and gamblers that Jackson was about to rape the Saints for more than 150 yards and 2 TDs. They fact that he was playing against me may or may not have been enough to bring the aging Ram his biggest fantasy game since the great winter of aught 8 (though so far this year I have have managed to shake Ahmad Bradshaw, Darren McFadden and Marques Colston out of their slumps) but the trash talking guaranteed his success.

This phenomenon puts me in a tricky spot, since I value trash talk as highly as I do winning. Sure, in an important situation I can tone it down for the sake of good karma, but if I had to stop all demeaning comments for a season I'm not sure if the game would be as much fun. Besides, the best laid fantasy plans easily get derailed by injury (Jamaal Charles) generally crappy performance (Chris Johnson) and just plain bad luck (Reggie Wayne). So even when wins are hard to come by trash talk is a constant reminder that there's more to fantasy football than money. There's the camaraderie that comes from telling your opponent you would rather catch the clap than lose to him. The joy of sharing pictures of Arian Foster's X-Rays with the weepy owners who drafted him minutes before he took to twitter. The fellowship of forcing your arch rival to perform menial and possibly degrading draft day chores simply because he failed to come come through on some random wager.

When you are in the cellar there is nowhere to go but up so you might as well talk up a storm.

ON TO THE WEEK

-Maybe Anquan Boldin can play a little ball after all? 145 yards is handy no matter how you slice it. The end zone would have been nice, but let's not be greedy.

-My friend and I have been involved in a fairly heated debate about Tony Romo. I've had Romo on my team for years and I tend to stand behind him especially in the face of a rabid Redskin's fan who hates everything about the Cowboys. So I can't tell who the bigger loser is this weekend? Romo for sucking the life out of the Cowboys offense or the Redskins who are clearly fighting their way back to the bottom of their division where everyone thought they would be when the season started. Since I'm not a Cowboys fan I think he's more bitter. I can shake off a Cowboys loss as long as the 49ers are winning, and no one says I have to draft Romo in the future, he's stuck with the skins until he dies.

-Speaking of the Redskins, I have to admit that on their rapid descent into the depths of the NFC East they have at least made Fred Davis a valuable fantasy start. The same, however, cannot be said for Ryan Torain or Roy Helu.

-When your fantasy game is on the line and you need a mere 12 points for the win, how many wide receivers do you currently place above Vincent Jackson on a list of players likely to come through in the clutch? 20? 30? By any metric his performance has been miserable. Yardage Bonus? Miserable. PPR? Miserabler. Standard format? Miserablest. I can't tell if he's destroying Philip Rivers or if it's the other way around. But I know that Rivers insisted on forcing the ball into double coverage to find Gates. In case you cared, the answer is 84. Over the past 4 weeks he has been outscored by 84 other receivers in the NFL. Sure, he had a bye, but so did lots of other players. Over those 4 weeks he's totaled 8 fantasy points in standard formats. Dead to me.

-Michael Vick on the other hand has turned into king Midas, including a bye week he's turned in the 7th best QB performance over the last 4 weeks, the only comparable player to do better is Aaron Rodgers.

-Is there anyone not starting Cam Newton at this point? My brother owns Vick and Newton and is somehow having trouble unloading Newton in a trade for guys half his value. At this point in the season you've pretty much seen everything you need to to know that Newton is going to produce points. The guy who picked up Cam in the 15ht round of my keeper draft is sitting on a pure goldmine.

-The one nice thing about drafting in the top four of my keeper league next year is that I'm assured to walk off with LeSean McCoy, Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice or Arian Foster. The question is do I keep Jamaal Charles or is he done?

-Considering it's the year of the quarterback, why isn't it also the year of the receiver? Once you get past Calvin Johnson, Wes Welker and Steve Smith (wow) you get pretty quickly to Greg Jennings who shares the ball with half the city of Green Bay. Pierre Garcon sneaks into the top 10 in WR scoring in some leagues and the Colts aren't even trying to win games. Where is Desean? Roddy? Fitzgerald? Dez? Why are Victor Cruz and Dwayne Bowe in the upper echelon of receivers.

THE RACE FOR THE LUCK UPDATE

It's been a highly competitive season but it's looking like we are down to 2 finalists. Indy, the presumptive favorite to figure out how to show a negative number in the win column for the first time in NFL history. I don't see nay way the Colts are going to be talked in to winning a game. They don't even care. Indy GM Bill Pollian says he sees no flaws in the coaching job being done by Jim Caldwell which is like Oscar the Grouch finding no flaws with a steaming pile of rat dung. If what you want is rat poop, Caldwell's performance has been a masterpiece. Could you possibly need more evidence than that?

But just because Miami is keeping up appearances by staying close in games does not mean they are not just perfectly content to go 0-fer, but are in fact commit ed tot he cause. All I need in the way of evidence is that they lose at home to the Broncos, and the Broncos might very well be worse team in the game. I'm not sure how they are going to figure out which of these winless teams will earn the right to propose to Luck, but watching them stumble toward their unstated goal is remarkably entertaining. It might be pathetic to watch one team flail helplessly about incapable of winning a game even against other cruddy teams, but watching two moderately talented teams try to lose games without openly declaring that they are tanking brings a level of competition to it. There can be only one worst team in the league after all. At the moment my money is on Indy. Even though the Colts have a slightly tougher SOS (which might make Miami's winlessness more valuable at the end of the year) they're commitment to letting games get safely out of reach is impressive. And Miami won't always have Tim Tebow to pull them from the fire if they get too close to actually winning a game.

SPEAKING OF TEBOW

I believe in justice, and while I believe that while Tebow has ridden his verve about as far as he can in the sport of football and ought to justly be put out of his misery, I think the bigger dose of justice needs to be saved for the Bronco's fans who begged for this situation. First the didn't listen to the coach who said Tebow didn't have the stuff. Then they failed to pay attention to his atrocious play against a Miami team dead set on losing. Then after this week's putrid performance they are claiming that Fox didn't call the right plays for Tebow to have success - which is like Jimmie Johnson fans demanding that he compete in the Coca-Cola 600 on a Segway then wonder why he wasn't able to maneuver for the victory. The fans wanted this, they booed Kyle Orton onto the bench so they could have it, no they've got it and I hope they enjoy they rest of a very Tebow season.

Tuesday hangover: The week fantasy football saved the NFL

2011-10-25T10:41:00.003-04:00

My niece turned 1 this weekend so I got a lot more than my usual amount of cake, I got to hear a lot more blustery conversation about the dominance of the SEC than I have the patience for and I got to drive back from Richmond Va. and miss every single early NFL game this week. But if my fantasy scores are any indication I didn't miss much. And if I needed further proof that week 7 was a bust didn't have to look any further than the Sunday and Monday night games.

I can only assume that when the Saints showed up at Indy they came armed with a prepared statement that the Dolphins had just managed to lose at home to Tim Tebow's horrific Broncos, and if Indy was remotely interested in Andrew Luck then they'd do well to roll over and play dead. Indy would have listened to this warning if they had not already started playing dead 2 hours before.

And when the architects of Monday Night Football decided the best way to beef up this putrid Jags v Ravens match up was to open* the broadcast with a scientific dissertation on how being teeny helps two of the shortest running backs in the league - I knew there was no way I was going to make it through the whole game. And I didn't.

In fact if I didn't have 3 fantasy games on the line I might not have made it past the first two possessions as it became clear I was witnessing the worst football game of all time. I'm pretty sure that by the time I went to sleep the only fantasy points that had been scored were by the defenses as running backs coughed up more fumbles than Notre Dame, wide receivers played keep away from the ball and coaches threw every available red flag in between fits of fuming at their respective teams ineptitude.

Were it not for my waning interests in Percy Harvin and Mark Ingram I might not have watched any football at all. And for the first time this season my life might have been fuller for missing the games. Unfortunately next week doesn't provide all that much to look forward to. Dallas v Philly on Sunday will be a great game and New England at Pittsburgh could be decent but somehow Kansas City sneaked onto the Monday night schedule against San Diego in a game that might be exactly as unwatchable as Ravens/Jags was.

Seriously, look at these: Cardinals/Ravens? Dolphins/Giants? Saints/Rams? Denver/Detroit? Seattle/Cincinnati? The only early game that looks remotely competitive is Vikings @ Panthers and most of the drama there is due to two rookie QBs and not much else.

On to the games:

-If you started Ryan Torain either of the last two weeks are you having a hard time even getting excited about Tim Hightower's injury? Sure, without Hightower Torain is bound to be the go to guy in DC, but the Redskins just managed to scrape together just 92 yards rushing against one of the worst rushing Ds in the league. Let's just say don't run out and trade for Torain just yet.

-In another week of low scoring you could almost look at a team's score and know whether or not they owned Arian Foster, Drew Brees, DeMarco Murray, Matt Forte or Marques Colston. I personally own none of the above but in 4 leagues I think I played against all of them this week. Still I went 2-2 and for that I'd like to join every Darren Sproles owner in wishing my diminutive back a a hearty thanks. And thank you also Jimmy Graham. If your team consists of Brees, Graham and Sproles I bet you are at or very near the top of your league. Every week I decided whether I should start Ingram or Sproles, I think from here on out I'm going to start both of them.

-Minnesota is sneaky. They put up a hellafight against Green Bay, going into the half with an actual lead. This was later revealed to be a false front when in the first series of they second half they somehow managed to let Greg Jennings run all by himself down the sideline for a 70-yard catch and run for a TD. Jennings was so alone on that play he had to go back and check his medical records to make sure he didn't have some infectious disease he was unaware of.

See folks, it doesn't take a lot to blow a game to keep the losing streak alive, just one or two well-timed flops and whammo you are back in the losing column.

-Yep - the Suck For Luck sweepstakes is really heating up. St. Louis, Miami and Indy certainly have the inside track but the Vikings are right in there. I have to think that despite their losing efforts this weekend they are going to pick up another win somewhere and it'll be just too big a obstacle to overcome. There is just no way the other three teams are going to win 2 each this season. No WAY.

-And a fond fare thee well to the Denver who played right into Miami's hands with that marvelous comeback by Tebow capped by the 52 yard field goal to hand the Bronco's their Andrew Luck elimination card. If you watched the game the crowd in Miami cheered when that ball went through the uprights. They know what's up. Well, at least Denver has Tebow. He managed to string together two good possessions against the worst team in football and eeked out a win against a team dying to lose - definite keeper.

-Anyone else out there ready to smother Vincent Jackson with a pillow? For all the people who mocked me for picking up Anquan Boldin in the second round (and to be fair he's been average at best) at least I didn't use that spot to acquire VJax. His seasonal fantasy output so far: 1, 29, 6, 16, 3, bye, 1. Sure that 29 point game was nice, but there is nothing worse than watching your no. 1 receiver post 1 points games multiple times.

*Was Hank Williams Jr. the only musical act in the country that was free to work on Monday nights? Surely Matchbox 20 has space on their schedule. Aerosmith? Queen Latifah? Anyone. Please.

Jahvid Best and Jerome Harrison both have brain troubles

2011-10-20T14:38:00.009-04:00

Jahvid Best, according to CBSSports.com, has been cooling his heels this week due to a blow to the head on Sunday which resulted in a concussion. Best has apparently been told that he might need to sit out THE REST OF THE SEASON since this is his second concussion this year and he has a pretty bad history of head traumas dating back to his college years at Cal where he was forced to sit out the last 4 games of '09 because of a concussion.

This is bad news for the Lions who already have tried and failed to shore up their running game by trading for Ronnie Brown in move that was ultimately voided because....

Guess what? Best's concussion is not the biggest head-related story out of Detroit. FOXSports is reporting that the reason the Ronnie Brown for Jerome Harrison (pictured) trade fell through was because during the routine trade physical of Harrison, doctors turned up a BRAIN TUMOR. That's right, Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor that seems to have been discovered because he was in the process of being traded. Which is to say, if he'd been having an outstanding year this might not have come up and who knows what his prognosis would have been. Though his prognosis has not been reported the hope is that they caught the tumor early enough that Harrison will be able to get through this. We at the Owner's Manual may seem heartless but we are sensitive to a few things and brain tumors are one of them.

Suffice it to say none of this is good news for the Lions, and a little closer to home none of this is good for the owners of Jahvid Best. While I personally didn't have any ownership stake in Best, I have made certain that I have an ownership stake in Maurice Morris, his backup, especially since the trade deadline has passed so any upgrades will have to be done in the form of waiver pick ups or retired Bengals - Is Ickey Woods in shape?

So best wishes to Best and Harrison hopefully they will soon be on the mend, and good luck to Morris who I may start as early as this week.

Indy we have a problem: What if Andrew Luck goes full Eli

2011-10-19T11:55:00.007-04:00

Oh the irony. In Colts' owner Jim Irsay's champagne wishes and caviar dreams of the 2012 draft he's snuggled up close to his brand new draft pick/Best Friend For Life, Andrew Luck who he prays will learn to emulate the Peyton Manning style of play making.
But what if Belle of the Ball QB decides he'd rather emulate Peyton's brother Eli who famously snubbed the Chargers in 2004 and started a chain reaction that landed Eli with Giants and Philip Rivers in the classiest city on earth.

The upshot of that move is that San Diego has a tremendously talented QB who happens to have won nothing of great value and New York is stuck with a crimson turd who happens to have won a superbowl based purely on a decade of bad karma built up against Patriots' coach Bill Belichick.
Pro Football Talk suggests there are some rumblings among NFL "circles" that the "Suck for Luck" campaign could easily backfire if a team is deemed too damaged for Luck to resuscitate.

Personally I find this preposterous, the current crop of teams in contention for the Stanford QB's services are Indianapolis, Miami, Denver, Minnesota, St. Louis and technically Carolina. You have to throw the Panthers in there even though they clearly have their QB Of The Future because a winning lottery ticket is a winner no matter who holds it (though I honestly think the Panthers are too motivated to find success to keep up this losing streak.)None of the aforementioned teams represent historic losers and even if they did history has shown us that it doesn't take long to turn a program into a winner unless that program is Cleveland.

And there's the fact that Luck is only a junior. So unless he is dying to get started on his Maserati collection he can always wait another year before entering the draft to see just how long he can hold NFL teams hostage with his awesomeness.

Ronnie Brown to Detroit caps busy trade deadline

2011-10-18T21:32:00.003-04:00

The Lions unhanded the barely existent Jerome Harrison and a draft pick in 2013 to land Eagles running back Ronnie Brown. This trade will surely help shore up their gravest offensive weakness and will make the Lions a better, if more boring, team. Even though Detroit has spent the better part of their (5-1) start coming from behind in the second half, announcers have found some opportunity to point out that Jahvid Best is not anyone's go to option when it comes to grinding out clock, getting first downs and sucking the life out of 4th quarters.

While I hate the idea that an offense as explosive as Detroit's needs a Ronnie Brown to round out the arsenal, there you have it. And even though this story broke sometime between when I sat down for dinner and when I started watching Tosh.0 on the DVR, half the country had already picked Brown up. Sadly the same cannot be said for Harrison who played much better as LeSean McCoy's backup a year ago.

But that is not all, oh no, that is not all...
Mike Sims-Walker, on whom many fantasy draft picks were wasted under the heading of: "Bradford's going to make this guy a star!" He would have been undraftable if we'd thought his Jacksonville production would be equaled in St. Louis. So you can imagine how flabbergasted owners have been as the MSW of the first 6 weeks of 2011 have made the MSW of 2010 look like the Randy Moss of 2007.

Who was it that said you can't go home again? He was an idiot.

Brandon Lloyd, Knowshon Moreno and the craziness of the Tebow-verse

2011-10-18T16:12:00.006-04:00

Do you have any idea how hard it is for a member of the Denver Broncos to get traded to a worse team? Nearly impossible. So how badly do you have to want out of a place to say: I'd happily move to St. Louis and play for renowned people person Josh McDaniels on an 0-5 team rather than stay put in beautiful Mile High City and build a franchise with John Fox and Tim Tebow.

That's some serious selling right there. Nevermind Brandon Llyod's speech about how peachy things were in Denver, he leaves the Broncos with a decimated receiving corps, a half-lame stable of running backs and a quarterback who everyone but the coaching staff is in love with.

So how will the newly-minted QB respond to all of this adversity? I'm starting to think this is the best possible situation Tebow could ever find. Let's start at the top:

1) Lloyd takes with him Denver's best deep threat.

How does Tebow respond? Tebow should be delighted. He does not have the arm or the time in the pocket to hit Lloyd on his down field routes. If Lloyd were out there being underutilized it might reflect poorly on young Tebow's effectiveness. Now? No problem. He can eek out a 45% completion rate to Eddie Royal (assuming he doesn't split) Eric Decker and Demaryius Thomas. As long as his passing numbers don't deteriorate (and how could they possibly?) then he'll look like a stud for having overcome the loss of the team's top receiver.

2) The running backs are pretty lame.

If we know one thing about mobile quarterbacks whose main asset (scrambling around keeping plays alive) is also their main detriment (scrambling around getting hit in the backfield and risking turnover and injury) it's that the more trouble they are in the better they get at getting out of trouble. And while it's annoying for coaches to watch their playbooks get pulverized each week as their QB free-lances performance art out of a string of broken plays - this is good news for tight ends and running backs who will find themselves to be convenient pressure valves for their scampering, terrified QB. Who needs that kind of career bump more than Knowshon Moreno? Moreno is a little too big get lost in his line, and a little too small to bulldoze defensive lines from the backfield. What he's good at is catching the ball, getting a head of steam going and picking up some yardage. Tebow could be very beneficial for his rejuvenation.

3) The coaches would rather start Brady Quinn.

This is a double-edged sword. Since they didn't want to start Tebow in the first place their expectations are bound to be very low. And since the entire community has committed so fully to Tebow being their starter, no matter what he does they kind of have to support him. At least for a few weeks, right? So unless Tebow throws the 5 picks Fox is counting on, and if he can appear to be doing well (you know, by running around and stuff) he'll be covered on both sides of this.

It's kind of a win-win for the everyone. Either Tebow plays well in which case, SCORE! or Tebow plays like crud in which case LUCK! As far as fantasy options go I'm picking up Knowshon Moreno on the off chance that Tebow turns him into LeSean McCoy for the rest of the season. Am I starting to root for Tebow? I think I am.

Carson Palmer a Raider?

2011-10-18T13:57:00.003-04:00

Through the seductive combination of chocolate treats and a 1st round draft pick the Oakland Raiders are reportedly the proud owners of the only slightly retired Carson Palmer.

Palmer who has stood by his trade or retirement stance has finally gotten his wish. Assuming he wished to play for the Raiders, which almost no one ever does. But still, Oakland has put together a decent team with some solid if not superstar receivers, a stout rushing game build around Darren McFadden and a not at all laughable defense in spite of losing Namdi Asomugha to the Eagles in the offseason (How's that working out for you Eagles?).

This trade reunites Palmer with Hue Jackson (who is rarely confused with Hugh Jackman) who was the Bengals' receiving coach in '05 and was on the staff at USC when Palmer was busy stealing girls from Matt Leinart.

So is Palmer a fantasy move? He has to be. Denarius Moore and Darrius Heyward-Bey have both had solid starts with Jason Campbell under center. If Palmer can bring a shadow of his former glory to the bay then he'll have success.

By the time I looked for Palmer he was already grabbed by waiver hawks in two of my leagues and I nailed him down in another (sorry Alex Smith).

Tuesday Hangover: Were they really ready for some football?

2011-10-18T10:53:00.006-04:00

Monday night the Miami Dolphins looked like a team in danger of throwing itself out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, which has been dubbed by certain news outlets less wholesome than mine as the "Suck For Luck" campaign. In fact if it weren't for Brandon "the monster" Marshall's insistence on not scoring the 'fins might have had to settle for a 2012 quarterback controversy between Chad Henne and Matt Moore. The most controversial part of that would be that Matt Moore remains employed.

But Marshall, who had some pregame words with coach Tony Sparano clearly knew where the lines were: "The line is right there to your left Brandon, and please step on it if you get anywhere near the end zone. Thanks" At least that's the only sort of coaching I'd imagine can coax a professional football player to run directly toward the sideline with a clear view of the end zone with no defender within 6 yards of him and still the player loses balance and falls out of bounds seconds before making his team an afterthought in the race for Luck.

Former coaches and players alike have been screaming with much volume about how unthinkable it is that teams might "tank" their seasons in order to land the top pro prospect. To which I say: If it's so unthinkable then why is it so obvious that it's happening. Here's the thing, the NFL is a very hard environment in which to win. Many, many variables have to fall into place each week for one team filled with world class athletes and coaches to beat another team comprised of the same. Since everyone agrees this is true, why is it so hard to imagine that tanking involves anything more than playing at less than 100%?

Tanking doesn't mean that Curtis Painter is throwing interceptions on purpose. It doesn't mean that Brandon Marshall necessarily let himself get abused in the endzone by Darrelle Revis, it just means that of the of the 25 things a team needs to perform well to win a game, the team only performed 12 of them well. Can you tell players to go out and dance along the sideline like a ballerina before stumbling out of bounds? Probably not, but if you gameplan to throw the ball at Revis all night you are bound to come up with some picks - or in this case a 100-yard pick 6. Lord. Look, the Colts don't need to field a team made up of only 10 players to lose, but keeping Addai at home sure is a good start. There is nothing wrong with bad teams playing that way in search of a greater good. The teams with the best quarterbacks are relevant, the teams without are generally not. So go for it Colts, go Broncos, go Dolphins, go Rams, get after it Vikings. Luck can be on your side.

On to the week

>>I'd first like to aim a shoutout to a couple owners from my various leagues. To The Snackcake Poppers: congratulations on fielding a team that consisted of two Cardinals (Beanie and Fitz) two Chargers (VJax and Tolbert) and Andre Johnson. Those are mostly very talented players except the Chargers and the Cards were on bye weeks and Andre is injured and was never going to play last week. By setting that lineup you failed to give the best team in our league a run for his money. As the second place team in that league I am offended. And congrats to Los Gatos Grandes who, along with myself, is suffering a rough patch in our keeper league. He was able to get a win this week despite finally benching Mendenhall in favor of Packer James Starks just in time for Mendenhall to come out of hibernation for a 150 yard 1 TD day.

In fantasy football there are two tried and true paths to success.

1) Field an awesome team and destroy your opponents. This is the preferred path.

2) Field an adequate team and hope your opponents are horrid. This is my approach.

In the two leagues where I am not mopping up after the LeSean McCoys, Tom Bradys and Ahmad Bradshaws of the world I have put together perfectly fine teams that will win just as long as they don't run into anyone laying at the top of their game. Fortunately teams like this that aren't filled with superstars can find success in the playoffs when some superstars are resting their prodigious limbs for their own playoffs.

On a scale of 0-100 how ready for some football are the following people?

Jim Harbaugh - 100. When your handshake gets more media coverage than a dead race car driver you are supremely ready for some football.

Ryan Torain - 10. The Eagles run D has been trampled more than the streets of Pamplona, but you manage just 22 yards on 10 carries? If you don't rush for 200 against the Panthers your career should be boxed.

Ahmad Bradshaw - 88. Who needs Brandon Jacobs? Except for me and about 600,000 other fantasy owners, I guess no one does. The Giants sure didn't.

David Garrard - 0. Nah, being a professional QB is OK, but I think I'm going to have some back surgery and drink some Mai Tais.

Ron Jaworski - (-10). Jon Gruden gets a 5 year contract extension with ESPN's MNF crew and instantly lays into Jaws for comparing the 2011 Jets to the 2008 Jets. 5 more years Jaws? I don't think you have it in you.

Felix Jones - 6. It's not that Felix is injured all the time, it's just that he's got $4,000 to work through on his Healthcare Savings Account. IT'S TAX FREE MAN!

Fred Jackson - 110. For the first time since Jim Kelly a human is more important to Buffalo fans than a fried piece of chicken slathered in hot sauce.

Jon Gruden Loves Tim Tebow's grit. I know. Weird.

2011-10-12T12:31:00.003-04:00

John Gruden loves quarterbacks almost as much as he loves hyperbole. Almost.
And when he can get them both in the same room watch out.
So when Gruden gets on Mike & Mike in the Morning to talk up young Tebow you just know you are going to hear platitudes of the highest order aimed at a guy whose coaches figure ought to sit somewhere behind Brady Quinn on the talent scale.
"Tebow has proved to a lot of people that he’s a premier competitor, he’s a great game day clutch, hard-nosed football player," Gruden says. Given more time the MNF anaylst would surely have made a favorable comparison between Tebow and Chuck Norris. But with the clock ticking he merely suggested that the Broncos need to revamp their entire offense to make it fit Tebow. More to the point he thinks John Fox needs to institute the spread.
"You accomodate your quarterback if you are going to take him in the first round. (Tebow) belongs in a spread attack."

Around these parts we've seen a lot of John Fox football and to say that a run-the-ball-down-your-throat approach to offense is his style is an understatement. Fox made due with Jake Delhomme for 6 seasons largely because he wanted a by the numbers guy who wouldn't screw up his run game too much. Since the spread offense is built primarily around a cadre of talented receivers (which the Broncos do not possess) and uses the ever present threat of the pass to open the doors for the run, it's fair to say this approach is not the first one Fox thinks about when he game plans.

The best part about this kind of pronouncement is that it sets Tebow up as a premier QB but only if you can get the rest of the offense to fall in line around him, and when it doesn't work out it will be Fox's fault that he couldn't run the right system rather than being Tebow's fault for not being talented enough a QB to be an accurate drop back passer.

It was suggested yesterday by a commenter that not possessing Tebow was a risk he was unwilling to take considering his numbers as a starter last season, going so far as to make favorable comparisons between Tebow and Michael Vick and Cam Newton. Of course while I tend to believe in Vick's ability I began this season selling the heck out of Cam and that didn't really work out for me. And maybe giving Tebow the reins will work out for fantasy owners. I personally see many, many interceptions and not that many passing touchdowns as the outcome, also I don't much care for Gruden so when he says buy I generally sell.

But the way the Cosmos tends to work is to punish me for making fun of people so Tebow will probably throw for 600 yards the next time they play. Stupid Cosmos.

So Peyton Hillis, how's that Madden curse holding up?

2011-10-12T09:31:00.006-04:00

Football fans in general and fantasy owners in particular are excruciatingly aware of the Madden Curse - the annual hex visited on whichever over-performing player is selected by EA to grace the cover of their annual football game.

For a quick refresher let's go through some past covers to illustrate how real this curse is.

2000 - Barry Sanders. The ultimate example of the Madden curse, he retired inexplicably before the season even started.

2001 - Eddie George - fantasywise he was great, but his fumble in the playoffs cost the top seeded Titans their season.

2002 - Daunte Culpepper - Busted knee = career over.

2003 - Marshall Faulk - missed games with ankle injury, was never the same afterward.

2004 - Michael Vick - Broke leg, was mean to dogs.

2005 - Ray Lewis - Not a total bust here, he managed to make it through the whole year without killing anyone, but he did go the whole year without an interception for the first time in his career.

2006 - Donovan McNabb - Missed 7 games with a hernia.

2007 - Shaun Alexander - Broke foot, disappeared into a giant black hole never to be heard from again.

2008 - Vince Young - Technically he was fine in 08, made the playoffs and everything, but he's been a very public trainwreck ever since. Dream team indeed.

2009 - Brett Favre - traded to the Jets, spent the last 5 games of the season being sub-horrible. Though it didn't get publicly exposed until later this was the year he privately exposed himself to Jets employee Jenn Sterger. Not that there's anything wrong with that...wait...yes, there is something super wrong with that.

2010 - Troy Polamalu and Larry Fitzgerald - Troy missed a bunch of games with an injury and while Fitz put up good numbers they were a shadow of what he produced the season before.

2011 - Drew Brees - Again, good season but nothing like a reprise of his SuperBowl winning season the year before.

2012 - Peyton Hillis - It's a little early to be definitive but last season he was the 3rd most productive back, so far this season he ranks somewhere behind Jonathan Stewart and has struggled with a nasty case of strep throat that is calling into question his manhood.

So just in case this curse holds up I'd like to thank the fine folks at EA in advance for leaving the 49ers and any of my potential keepers alone in 2012-13.

Isn't Cedric Benson suspended yet?

2011-10-11T16:16:00.005-04:00

Did you run out and grab Cincinnati's no. 2 RB Bernard Scott a few weeks ago when it sounded like Roger Goodell was going to drop the whole hammer on Benson for partaking in a little too much illegal revelry during the off season? I did. And there he sits, gathering dust at the bottom of at least three of my rosters yet every time I look up I see Cedric Benson roaming around the backfield in a decidedly unsuspended state.

How does this happen? Three weeks ago his suspension was imminent. Two weeks ago, the same. Now today I'm reading on Rotoworld that someone with the NLRB says the suspension may take another 3-4 weeks to work itself out.

Considering the Bengals have a bye week coming up it's starting to sound like hanging on to Scott for future use is about as practical as picking up Peyton Manning on the off chance Irsay isn't trying to win the Andrew Luck lottery.

Tuesday Hangover: The week no one rushed out to get Tim Tebow

2011-10-11T12:08:00.006-04:00

If your league is anything like mine are then it's filled with people falling all over themselves to pick up every one hit wonder about 5 minutes after he's had his hit. I'm extremely guilty of this with rosters virtually filled with names like Torrey Smith, Denarius Moore, Victor Cruz and now Alex Smith.

By any accounting measure Denarius Moore was an absolute waste of space this weekend having been completely supplanted by Darius Heyward-Bey who apparently learned how t0 catch a football two weeks ago. Torrey Smith was on a bye but he performed as well on his off week as he did in the week following his record-breaking inaugural performance.

Alex Smith had a fine day but now that he's sitting on my bench he's guaranteed to turn back into a pumpkin.

In fact the only good pick up I've enjoyed this year has been Victor Cruz - the ball-bobbling king of the Meadowlands who went for 160 yards and a touchdown on Sunday in the Giants delightful losing effort against the Seahawks.

The funny thing is - for all the fantasy owners running around in mad circles trying to procure the next greatest pick up, in the four leagues I'm in the only guy who seems even remotely interested in owning Tim Tebow was a South African safari guide whose claim to fame is that he stole Benecio Del Toro's girlfriend. Which is slightly better than my claim to fame that I stood next to the lead singer of Everclear at the 9:30 club in D.C. for the entire playing of the Ruth Ruth song Uninvited. He's tiny. Teeny. Tiny. Like 4 foot something. I felt like a giant.

So why isn't the whole world scampering to get their hands on Tebow? I think there are two reasons: 1) Unless you were regularly starting Kyle Orton (in which case your team is stinky) you automatically have a QB that is better than Tebow ever will be. But more importantly is 2) When the only reason the head coach is starting the guy is to get the hoi polloi off his ass it's never a good sign.

Allow me to put this another way. Tim Tebow has been sitting on the bench behind Brady Quinn on a John Fox coached team. So it's not as if Fox arrived in Denver, saw that he had Brady Quinn in the lineup and said to himself "I wonder what this kid can do." We know that's not the case because Fox is intimately familiar with the shortcomings of one Mr. Quinn. And even still he put Quinn ahead of Tebow on the depth chart.

But at 1-4, and with Kyle Orton collapsing under the hatred of thousands of otherwise reasonable Denver fans, Fox throws up his arms and says something along the lines of "Screw It! Start Tebow!" If you happened to be watching that game you will have noted that if Tebow could only throw in the general direction of his receivers he'd be viable QB. But his numbers 4 for 10, tell you all you need to know.

I'm not hating on Tebow, far from it, if anything he made Knowshon Moreno as relevant as he's been since his days in the SEC, which is nice. I just wouldn't put him on my team.

In other news:
>>I had the misfortune of starting Percy "The Migraine" Harvin in a league due to bye week depletion coupled with a terrifically bad team. When I looked at the scoreboard in the 1st quarter and saw that the the Vikings were up 21-0 over the horrible Cardinals I thought for sure their second best player and top receiver must have something to do with this windfall of points. But no. It was, and remained for the rest of the day, all Adrian Peterson who in spectacular fashion racked up 122 yards and 3 touchdowns in the 34 -10 rout of Arizona. This is what happens when the player formerly known as McNabb is your QB. Receivers just disappear like they were in witness protection.
>>Tim Allen, promoting his new show about a manger of a outdoor store ran an ad during MNF in which he chastised fantasy owners singling them out a a group who needs to to get outside.

Guess how he phrased it:

a) Real men get out and play sports rather than watching it on TV.
b) Real men spend their money on rifles and beef jerky not fantasy leagues.
c) Women prefer men who kill their own game to those who play games on computers.
d) The outdoors is like a free tanning bed.

If you guessed D, you win. That's right - in trying to pitch his show to guys watching football at 9 p.m. after a long day of work Tim Allen suggested that we are all pale and should go lay out in the sun because it's a free way to bronze up. Who is he selling his show to? The Metro Sexual fantasy owner? I honestly can't think of one adult man who thinks getting a tan is preferable to watching the NFL. Not one.

>>Last week's mad rush to pick up Stevan Ridley had the obvious effect of turning Ben Jarvus Green Ellis into a monster for one week only. Fantasy Football Rule No. 1 - do not ever start, or even own, a running back in a Bill Belichick system.

>>ESPN come up with some place better than an RV for Jon Gruden to interview highly successful professional athletes? Everyone who sits down with him has a look in their eye that this is exactly what their mother told them never to do.

>>I think if fantasy defenses got points for offensive penalties and lost points for defensive penalties games like last night's flag fest would be a lot more interesting.

>>Jay Cutler gets hit more than Snoop Dog's pipe. Guy had an admirable day for a man who looks like he needs a rape whistle.

>>I made the rookie mistake of starting 5 different Denver Broncos in 4 different leagues. I'm confident that did not happen anywhere else in America. Poor John Fox is the only person who should ever start more than one Bronco.

>>Is it safe for me to start telling people I'm a 49ers fan again without having to deal with the same facial expression you get when you tell people your puppy died?

Andrew Luck Update:

Sitting on the couch flipping around games my father mentioned that the Colts were winning big against Kansas City and my theory about them tanking was a total bust. Fortunately for Colt's coach Jim Caldwell my Dad was wrong. Caldwell was able to rein the team in after a little too solid a start. Going up big on Kansas City is a helluva risky way to give the impression that you aren't tanking (especially when you definitely are) and I'm sure it was a move not at all approved of by owner Jim Irsay. In fact I hear Irsay was so relieved by Steve Breaston's game winning, fourth quarter TD that he offered to name the street in front of the stadium Breaston Way. Which is a pretty good name for a street if you ask me.

First Favre, Now TO...who's next?

2011-10-06T01:59:00.012-04:00

The NFL is a helluva a drug. No one can seem to quit it for too long.
On Tuesday Brett Favre basically told the world that he would have won another SuperBowl if only Green Bay hadn't shafted him for Rodgers.

Then Wednesday, TO, in an interview with the always cautious Stephen A, mentioned casually that he went to Korea for a little stem cell work on his 38-year-old knee.

That's right. 38-year-old knee. Stem Cells. Korea.

Throw in Summer Glau and you've got an awesome sci fi movie that 300 people will claim is a religion.

“I’m going to come back,” Owens said. Later, he said, “a month or less, I give you that.”

Don't even bother asking how many African children could be saved with just a fraction of the stem cells TO claims it took to get his knee ready for 10 minutes with Stephen A Smith. But I'm guessing the whole continent.

It's not hard to imagine though, what with a 64 hour news cycle, that at some point former pros far past their professional usefulness would become prime time ESPN stories. Let's face it, there's only so much air time you can fill with a runaway squirrel screwing up the Phillies last chance to be more relevant than Michael Vick.

Though to his credit that squirrel has more followers on Twitter than Jon Gruden has functioning brain cells.

With all the injuries this season the only thing that surprises me more than Stephen A interviewing TO is that 12 news teams aren't permanently camped out on Carson Palmer's lawn waiting for the 49ers to call. With a reported 92 mil in net worth I'm sure he has some space in his driveway. And I know his squirrels are looking for their big break.

Brett Favre totally respects Aaron Rodgers. Just kidding.

2011-10-05T13:32:00.005-04:00

On a radio show in Atlanta on Tuesday the Gunslinger was asked how it felt when Aaron Rodgers won the SuperBowl last year. How do you think he answered:

A) Aaron is a tremendous talent and I'm so excited for him and the city of Green Bay that he was able to bring a title back to that town.

-or-

D) The biggest surprise to me would be that he didn’t do it sooner. . . . [M]y last year in Green Bay prior to the first game, I made the remark that this was probably the most talented team that I’ve ever played on...

You know what I love about Favre even more than his skills as an amateur photographer? I love that as an elder statesman of the league he is able to gracefully give his replacement credit where it was obviously due. I was recently debating the general merits and resume of Favre and you know what? Underneath all those accolades and accomplishments (most of which were accomplished due to sheer longevity) is a guy who won one SuperBowl in his 5th season (1997) lost one the next season and never whiffed one again. That's a LONG time for a guy who is generally considered in the pantheon of greats.

Don't get me wrong his starts are impressive, he had to not only avoid injury but also continue to play at a high enough level to maintain a starting job. And his style of play was as fun to watch as anyone's. And even considering his private indiscretions he's on track to go down as one of the all time greats. So what's left for a legendary QB to do? Sling some poo in the direction of his former protege. What else?

It's one thing when drunk and aging former heroes diss Rex Ryan and his Jets. It's another thing altogether when you are slamming a guy you shared a locker room as recently as 3 years ago.

Nice work buddy. It must be hard to have been out of the spotlight for almost a whole year. Can someone please give this guy a job?

Tuesday Hangover: The day LeGarrette Blount saved the Colts

2011-10-04T10:55:00.007-04:00

What last night's MNF production lacked in Hank Williams Jr. It more than made up for in the unintentional comedy of Jon Gruden's insistence that the Indianapolis Colts wanted to leave Tampa with a win under their belt.
Since he was always off screen when he said this I can't tell whether or not he was able to keep a straight face. I bet he wasn't. But if the Bucs v Colts demonstrated anything besides what happens when you compare a sitting president to Hitler, it showed us that the Colts will have to be creative if they want to win the Andrew Luck lottery.
Sure, the road seemed wide open after Kansas City (against all reason) stepped up and beat the Vikings...but just because many thought the Chiefs were in the Cat Bird seat for getting the ballyhooed Stanford QB, many (including myself) were overlooking another very obvious candidate: The Minnesota Vikings. Who needs a QB worse than Minnesota? No one. A fact that the Colts temp pool QB and Goo Goo Dolls lead singer lookalike Curtis Painter tried to drive home by turning Pierre Garcon into a professional athlete for one night only.

One can only imagine the uncomfortable writhings, pained expressions and cold sweats experienced by Colts' owner Jim Irsay as he watched from his box, powerless to stop his players from scoring. If he can fine Garcon and Painter for their performance, you'd better believe he'll find a way. But when a team is as set upon losing as Indy even playing against field goal misser extraordinaire Conner Barth can't force them into victory. All it really took was Jim Caldwell opening up one enormous hole in his defensive line to allow the otherwise unimpressive LeGarrette Blount to rumble his way for a game sealing score in the 4th.

And after 4 weeks the top candidates in the Andrew Luck bowl are these:

1) Indy - It'll be hard to stop an owner who has essentially told his fan base he's tanking, the only way he can lose is if he wins.

2)Minnesota - the Vikings fooled us by jumping out to huge 1st half leads in their first 3 games of the season. But you can't fool people forever, not when you are paying Donovan McNabb to lead the charge. If only the Vikings could play the Colts this year.

3) St. Louis - the Rams are bad. But they already have a QB who is actually good, so they'll need some more help from Steven Jackson's hammy if they want a shot at trading away the rights to Luck.

4) Kansas City - Matt Cassel would like to keep his job so he'll play hard. But the schedule is not getting any easier, I still say they have a solid chance at Luck.

5) Miami - They hung right in there with the Pats, and darn near beat the Browns. Don't get me wrong, they're bad. but not bad enough.

6) Denver - We already know that Fox was willing to tank 2010 for Luck, who's to say he's above tanking 2011? It'd certainly put an end to his pathetic QB controversy.

And on to the notes

>>You know who was not awesome last year? Darren McFadden. Beanie Wells. Ray Rice. Maurice Jones Drew. Matt Forte. Ryan Mathews. The list goes on and on. You know has been awesome this year? Those guys. Beanie and Forte dominated the weekend, completely redeeming earlier lackluster rushing performances. You think you know someone and then when you aren't looking they rush for 200 yards on you.

>>How obvious is it that Aaron Rodgers was an only child? You know he never once shared his Optimus Prime action figure. I can tell because he refused to share his touchdowns with Jermichael Finley and a bunch of other receivers and running backs. My 3-year-old knows how to share, why doesn't he?

>>Good thing I didn't bench Michael Vick. First smart move I've made all year. Unfortunately I had the bad fortune to face off against Cam, Forte, Fred Jackson, Calvin Johnson and the Saints D. I owe a guy a bottle of Jaegermeister now. Thanks a lot Forte. But seriously I almost started Jay Cutler against the Panthers. How happy would I have been with Vick's massive output on my bench and Cutler's 2 points on my roster? Almost as happy as every person who started Mark Sanchez this weekend. Zero points. Zero fantasy points. Sanchez played a full game and scored 0 fantasy points. Even Eli can't pull that off.

>>So I guess Arian Foster's hammy feels better now. If you didn't know that be watching the game you knew that when Yahoo! kindly told you that 20,000 teams dropped Ben Tate like he had syphilis. Syphilis makes you crazy. Personally though I'm not sold. I'd be willing to bet anything that Foster calls in sick at least two more times this year. It's just the kind of guy he is.

>>What happened to Ryan Torain? For 3 weeks Zip. Not a carry. Not a whisper. Nothing. The week I drop him to make room for Torry Smith he goes bananas. At least all the Hightower owners are left feeling like Hightower owners are meant to feel - bitter and enraged.

>>Every league where I own Wes Welker is a league where I'm in 1st place. Just saying.

Coach to English dictionary: Your guide to cutting through the bull

2011-09-29T13:59:00.006-04:00

The old saying goes that you can tell a lawyer is lying when his lips are moving. I think that's outdated. These days the guy charged with spewing the most BS (after a Goldman Sachs exec) is head football coach. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether they are lying to me, lying to their players or just plain lying to themselves, but one thing is clear - they have very little motivation to tell the truth so they fabricate.

Among the most glaring instances of this is Mike Martz's refusal to run the ball - as any Matt Forte owner knows all too well. After week one the bears Offensive Coordinator said he was going to do a better job finding balance between the passing game and the running game. Anyone who knows Martz knows that under the best circumstances that's about 65/35. But last week his offense put the ball on the ground just 11 times vs. 52 passing plays. He has turned Forte from an above average running back into an average receiver. Forte posted just 2 rushing yards against the Packers. Two.
After this ridiculously imbalanced gameplan Martz once again took the podium and declared before God and a million fantasy owners that he would find more balanced attack. What's a fantasy owner to do?
VERDICT: Martz hates to run the ball. Obviously he's lying.

Martz isn't the only coach out there saying one thing and doing another. Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano has made it a weekly practice to come out after his loss on Sunday to tell fans, owners and more than a few Kardashians that Reggie Bush will get more carries. To date Bush has just 69 yards on 27 carries. 11 carries the first game, 6 the next and 10 last week. So he's doing a little better in the rush department than Forte, but if Sparano thinks this counts as getting the ball into Reggie's hands more often he's deluded. After this week's pronouncement that Bush will be more of a factor what are fantasy owners to think?
VERDICT: Despite all of our greatest wishes that Miami would turn Bush into a star, he still stinks. You can't start him, so I don't blame Sparano for going with Daniel Thomas, but he's still lying.

Of course there's always Belichick who may or may not be lying when he talks because he never really talks. And if he did you'd never believe a word he'd sasy anyway so who cares. Unfortunately not everyone is that transparent. Sean Payton for example. While he has built a highly efficient passing offense he still pays lip service to wanting to improve his run game with Mark Ingram. The highly drafted rookie has struggled so far with only 36 carries for 130 yards on the season. Recently Payton said: “He’s going to be a guy we hand the ball to. We’re going to use him on first and second down, on third down." So who do you believe?
VERDICT: Something tells me the Saints coach wants to have a running game and he wants Ingram to be the guy, so it's kind of up to Ingram. He did improve last week, I say start him. Truth.

Shutdown Corner - The Revis Effect

2011-09-28T11:46:00.003-04:00

Fantasy football can be exactly as hard as you make it. I know a guy who set his lineup in week 1, forgot his password and just rolled with the punches. Not a good way to win a SuperBowl, but an illustration of the minimalistic approach.

On the other end of the spectrum are the guys who check weather reports, injury updates for opposing defenses and, of course, what corners will be facing their receivers on a given week.

After Torry Smith's breakout performance sent shockwaves through the media coverage this weekend someone raised the question to Jets coach Rex Ryan: How are you going to handle this rookie next week?

This is a significant question because the Jets have Darrelle Revis on the roster - the gold standard of shutdown corners and the coiner of the phrase "Revis Island," as a descriptor of where he places those he covers. On an island. Presumably a lonely one into which balls will not be thrown.

Ryan, not one to shy away from bold statements claimed the rookie would not have that sort of success against his defense. But he also has pointed out that Revis would likely not be covering Torry Smith, instead focusing his talents on removing Anquan Boldin from the game. This is an important consideration. With Antonio Cromartie banged up and questionable for Sunday it would appear that one of the Raven's receivers will have a productive day while the other hangs out with Revis on his Island.

From this standpoint while Revis can only take out one receiver in an actual game of football he can potentially take a whole receiving corps out of a fantasy lineup. Since we can't be sure who Revis will cover, we can safely start neither Smith nor Boldin.

The odds are very good that Revis will cover the veteran Boldin, but if Smith starts going gangbusters again you might easily see a switch which could open the field up for Anquan. But is it worth the gamble? Unless y0u have no other options at wide receiver or you are certain to be in the type of shootout which a average score is exactly the same as a crappy score, then I'd keep your Raven receivers on the bench. Of course wiping those guys off the slate will result in a lot more carries for Ray Rice, so if you are one of the lucky Rice owners - cheers.

Victor Cruz: Waiver? I hardly know 'er.

2011-09-27T18:21:00.006-04:00

If you happened to take a small break from watching Brandon LaFell drown on Sunday, you might have noticed one of the two breakout Performances of the Year, of the week. The first and most impressive, Torry Smith, was mentioned earlier. He of three first quarter receptions for 3 first quarter touchdowns. What!?

So yeah, the only way you get him at this point is if your waiver systems is one of those super fair ones that don't let couch potatoes like myself watch the Red Zone and pick up everyone who scores. If you do have that very forgiving system and you happen to be dwelling in the cellar - then pick Smith up. If that performance doesn't put him ahead of Lee Evans on the depth chart nothing will.

But slightly less brilliant and significantly less well publicized performance was on display in New York where the Giants took to thumping the living bejesus out of the Eagles in what will be that team's magnum performance before they all give up in three weeks. Or they'll win the SuperBowl, you never can tell with the Giants. But I digress. Victor Cruz was the author of this maestro performance throwing up a gaudy 110 yards and 2 TDs on 3 receptions. The sound you may have heard after that game was Mario Manningham's concussed head exploding. If Manningham was smart his first call was to his wife telling her to hold off on buying the second Bentley.

Though of the two standout performances I, along with every highlight producer at ESPN, think Smith is the guy you're going to want on your team. Lee Evans is incapable of putting forth the kind of game Smith displayed on Sunday, Manningham probably still has a job when his head heals and either way, most of the best looks are going to end up in Hakeem Nicks' hands when he feels a little better (which knowing Nicks may be never).

In summation, if you can get one, get Smith. If not Smith spend the pick up on Cruz.

Tuesday Hangover: 99 problems and a Vick is one

2011-09-27T11:04:00.003-04:00

Sadly, this anti-Vick tirade is becoming a weekly tradition. But his pain is causing me pain. And that's not cool. Let me briefly put this in perspective: In my keeper league I traded my first round pick this year and my 3rd round pick next year for the rights to draft Vick in the 15th round. So I get to keep this bum forever if I choose. So when he goes out of last week's game in the 4th quarter with a concussion that isn't a concussion and he leaves this week's game with a broken hand that isn't broken, I start to grow concerned. Not concerned that my team will be a pile of stool, because that ship has sailed. But concerned that I've tied my future to a guy who is soft like grape.

Should Vick be getting more calls? Sure. Is his O-line shakier than the DTs? Yes. Do I care about these things? No. I care that my quarterback have the intestinal fortitude to be playing football in the 4th quarter when a QB's points are made.

I have to confess that at this point I want Vick to take next week off (and not just because I'm a 49ers fan). I want him to get his boo-boos all healed up so he can quit complaining and being a wuss the rest of the season. If he plays next week I'll feel like I have to start him. If he sits I can start Jay Cutler with no guilt. Well, with as little guilt as anyone can ever feel when they start Jay Cutler.

Is it at all ironic that the guy with diabetes who was reviled at the end of last season for getting injured and missing a 4th quarter that cost the Bears their season is considerably tougher than the guy who did time in Leavenworth?

Notes from a wild-wacky weekend

- The Patriots scored 31 actual points in their losing effort against the Bills. In fantasy math those points translated into 34 points for Wes Welker, 22 points for Gronkowski and 35 points for Brady in non ppr leagues. I wish I could apply that kind of math to my back account. Brady threw 4 picks and still more than tripled Vick's production this week.

-At what point does the yahoo! fantasy guru stop predicting that Chris Johnson is going to have a 100 yard + a TD week? It's got to be soon, right. The dude hasn't run for 100 yards yet this season. Cumulatively. Over three games. If he keeps up this blistering pace I'm changing his nickname from CJ2K to CJ496. Has a non-injured player ever come out of a winning contract dispute more slowly than CJ? Bernie Madoff investors got a better deal.

-Torry Smith is clearly the greatest wide receiver since Danario Alexander and Eric Decker. I love the waiver wire game and I play it every week but I expect that by then end of the season I will have owned every wide receiver exactly 5 minutes after their 15 minutes are up. Mark my words, I'll pick the guy up and I guarantee he doesn't touch the ball once next week. Though I have to admit there is something fun about watching an unowned player just dominate a game and no one is getting the points. You know, unless you happen to own Anquan Boldin, which I do.

- In case I didn't say this out loud, I'd like to apologize for all the cruel things I've ever said about RunDMC and Ryan Mathews. I was wrong. I'm sorry.

- Ben Roethlisberger finally had a good game. Watch out ladies. Wait. That was against Indy, that doesn't count.

- Speaking of Indy...how's my Andrew Luck Lottery watch going? Indy is 0-3? I'd say it's going pretty swell. But they'd better not put their foot on the gas now, KC (0-3) is right in the things. The week 5 tilt between Indy and Kansas City will be a game for the ages. I'm not sure if Indy can lose to KC no matter how hard they try. I hope Luck doesn't go and graduate too soon, there's a good chance he's going to want to stick around in college for a senior year.

Cedric Benson to cool his heels for 3 games

2011-09-22T21:13:00.003-04:00

Not that it's ever EASY to draft a Bengals' running back. Lord knows it's never easy. But it's especially difficult when you know Roger Goodell is going to take a turn on him.
Benson was arrested last summer for misdemeanor assault and after a plea arrangement spent 4 days jail prior to the start off the season. If this had been Benson's first run in with the law Goodell might have shown the same leniency he did with Titans receiver Kenny Britt who had an otherwise sterling record when he was arrested - wait for it - three times this summer.
But alas, no. And the AFC North leading Bengals may now spend three games (4 through 6) without the services of their No. 1 ball carrier.
Benson is said to be appealing the decision, but still, best to jump on Bernard Scott while you still can. As strange as that last sentence sounds, the Bengals face Buffalo, Jacksonville and Indy in the weeks Benson is scheduled for suspension, so Scott definitely has potential.

Fantasy vs Reality: two fans debate.

2011-09-22T15:08:00.015-04:00

My long-time friend is a diehard Redskins fan. He is one the few people I know in my peer group who has successfully fended off the siren song of fantasy sports. He does this, he maintains, because he doesn't want his fandom to become watered down by fantasy interests. This position is one that is widely held among those who do not play fantasy. So we hashed it out:

* * *

SkinsFan72: good article. And thanks for re-confirming while I'll never play fantasy football. The end results don't matter- only the numbers...

* * *

Me: It's hard right now for me to see both sides since the 9ers have been in such a trench that it's easy not to get your hopes up and hard to stay on a bandwagon after week 5 if they are obviously hosed. This year, as with last, it's been a little more promising - not because they are any good - but because they are surrounded by such pus in their division that hope is pretty much always there.
All this to say: Fantasy football isn't to blame for me toning down my expectations - the team itself bears that responsibility.
I am a loyal fan and always will be. What FF does is make the season interesting across the board. I have an interest in 6-8 games a week. FF has amped up my overall commitment to the sport without weakening my love for my team.
You could ask [our friend] if the Giants SuperBowl run in '07 was dampened by his devotion to fantasy and I think you know what the answer is.
I hate to say it but if you had the time (and it doesn't take much) FF would be perfect for a guy like you who claims to like the Redskins, not football. FF makes you like football. It makes the game very personal. Even though the stakes are relatively small (a $50 league costs you less than $5 a week to play) you can become completely committed because you are responsible for the success and failure of your team.
And above all else it does not detract from devotion to your team.
What you and others base your argument on is that you see so many FF fans who really don't give much of a crap about "their NFL team," and you think - see it's made them not care for their team. The fact is that guy probably didn't really have an NFL team to begin with. He was a very casual fan - but FF has turned him into an NFL freak.
I think you would be very hard pressed to find a huge supporter of an NFL team who will say that his love for his team has been diluted by FF. Thanks for the comment, I'm definitely writing a column about this.

* * *

SkinsFan72: all good points but my comment was based on going with Romo on your fantasy team (smart move by the way) because he puts up great fantasy numbers- not because he ultimately may be the best player for his team. Fantasy football is measured on who is best for your fantasy team not who is best for their 'REAL' team. Romo puts up amazing numbers but he ultimately (so far) has not come through in the clutch. It's stupid to not draft him in fantasy b/c him not coming through in the clutch (i.e. playoff time) has absolutely no bearing on fantasy football. But it has all kinds of bearing on real football. Am I making sense? Fantasy football makes people care about fantasy numbers while they very often now disregard the less quantfiable aspects of the game (offensive line, special teams play etc...)
Look, I totally get why fantasy football rules the roost and many people who play it were casual (or not even) football fans to begin with and this brought them into the fold- b/c they like gambling, the camaraderie, a hobby away from their family, whatever... And good for them and good for the NFL I guess but it ain't for me.
Definitely not questioning you or [our friend's] loyalty but I have seen PLENTY of guys who were once loyal to a team much more concerned about their fantasy team then their real team. Their prerogative, but again totally not for me. I like the game for the game's sake, and I care about 1 team- the Skins. Or 2 teams. The Skins and whichever team helps the Skins by beating another team ahead of the Skins in the standings.
I am confortable in my own myopia. Hopefully you get what I'm saying up above- sometimes it's hard to articulate my jumbled thoughts onto "paper".

* * *

Me: these are two very distinct issues. Is a player good for a team? Is he good for a fantasy team. Right off the bat I have to dismiss your point that Romo is not good for the Cowboys. If Jerry Jones thought he could do better, he absolutely would - and maybe one day soon he will. In the meantime it's your word against Jerry Jones and I'm going with Jerry. And I'm doing so in large part because of what I know about Romo through the lens of fantasy football. He is a tremendous talent who has had some great moments, some low moments and more than a few bad breaks. I don't know how you feel about SABRmetrics but numbers don't lie.
I know you are committed to not playing fantasy football and naturally I respect that. I have, after all, stopped asking you to play. But I think if someone's fanhood gets watered down because of fantasy then I think it wasn't all that watered up in the first place. I have always loved my team, and I still do. now I love the whole NFL and it makes me a better football fan in general. Not only am I more knowledgable because I watch the stat lines, but I watch more games and therefore gain a better understanding and appreciation of what's going on than when I was just watching the 9ers.
Case in point - I have an unnatural desire to have Fred Jackson on my team. Somehwere along the line I got the idea he was a good player and after three years of drafting him it's starting to pan out. So last Sunday I say down to watch the Bills play the Raiders. Without fantasy I would NEVER have picked that game. Turns out to be one of the best games of the year and I enjoyed every minute of it whether Jackson was scoring (which he did twice thank you very much) or not. I have a broader, fuller NFL experience than I ever would have had without fantasy. Later that day I watched the 49ers barely lose to the Cowboys and it was a huge bummer (and not because of Romo's rib). Fortunately I am feeling pretty good about their chances to win the NFC West so losing the Cowboys isn't a huge deal.
Now, generally speaking I don't think most people who play fantasy really care if other people play or not. As long as we've got our leagues we're good. Conversely I think the proliferation of fantasy owners does tend to irritate the avid fans who don't participate. And it leads us to this statement which I've just found a parallel to which I think you will appreciate:
Steelers Fan: I watch football because I love the sport.
The implication here is that fantasy fans are possessed of a lesser love of the sport. Which, I think you will admit will never be taken as a compliment. And while there are cases like I mentioned before were a guy never loved a team but was able to develop a love of the sport through fantasy - well, that's less of an insult but still not true. Love is love no matter what the reason.
Here's the parallel I promised: You know how you, as a music lover, will find yourself ocassionaly talking to a former music lover and they will say - I used to really get into music, but then I had kids and kind of outgrew it.
What they are doing is making an exuse for their non participation in your hobby by telling you that they are too mature for it. Which, of course, you will never take as a compliment.
It's the same thing.

The guy engaged in this debate with me is a king of a man. Not just a huge sports fan but the author of one of the Web's finest music blogs. If you like tunes as much as you like a winning fantasy team give him a read over at www.bdogsmusicblog.com

Tony Romo's spare ribs

2011-09-22T11:12:00.004-04:00

There are few quarterbacks in America whose play inspires such divisive criticism as does that of Dallas QB Tony Romo. QBs are either fantastic (Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers, Rivers), they are horrible (McNabb, Kerry Collins, Tarvaris Jackson) or they are OK, but not great - everyone else.

Not so with Romo. It's not so much that people love him or hate him, even the acknowledged greats have fans falling on either side, but no one questions their game. People don't so much love or hate Romo as they think he is great or they think he stinks. Not much in between.

Some of this comes from his being a Cowboy. People love or hate them and those who love them think they are talented and great in spite of their playoff performance over the past, say, generation. People who hate them don't care about the numbers and point only to their playoff relevance.

Like the team he leads, Romo has had many astounding moments through his relatively brief career. He has posted huge numbers and in general has had marvelously productive regular season. You know who likes that? Fantasy owners.

Fantasy owners who have had Romo on their squad will swear by him. Why not, they aren't Redskins fans or Cowboys fans per se. They don't have a stake in his post season play. They wanted regular season numbers and Romo provided.

Now that Romo is a bit dinged up you are hearing a chorus of people shouting how tough he is and how much grit he has, what a field general he is in spite of some very important moments when he failed miserably. Romo is two men. The guy who fantasy football owners love and the guy that your average football fan thinks is a choker.

It's starting to sound a little more questionable whether he'll play this week, odds still are good but perhaps trending downward. I think if he's medically cleared he'll have to play. His ribs might need some rehabilitation but his reputation as a tough guy who gets things done will only be hurt if he sits it out, and Romo knows it's pretty hard to rehabilitate that.

Arian Foster on Ben Tate

2011-09-22T09:40:00.003-04:00

This from Rotoworld.com:
" We're fully expecting Ben Tate to start and carry the load Sunday." - Arian Foster "I want to be out there with my team, but this team is looking to advance further than we have before. I want to make sure I'm healthy for the right stretch."

So there you have it. Foster is going to stay on the sidelines until his hammy heals or Ben Tate straight up takes his starting spot.
This comes as a surprise to no one. Arian's got a new book arriving soon from Amazon and he's itching to read about the travels of Paulo Cuelho. Everyone knows the best day to lounge around and read is Sunday. He'd probably play if the game were at a more convenient time. He's got yoga on Monday so that's out. Tuesdays are wide open though, any way we can make that work?

Foster misses practice; turns into your grandma

2011-09-21T18:58:00.006-04:00

I like to joke a lot about Arian Foster's hamstring and how funny it is how he generally doesn't take this whole "starting running back" thing seriously, but for real, can someone tell me what's going on in this guy's head?
Foster tweeted this sometime before he settled in for dinner at the old folks home. Now listen, I love to read. I read all the time. And I even understand the desire to share one's reading list with the world. And I'm sure Paulo has put together a transformational book. What I don't get is Arian Foster MISSING PRACTICE on Wednesday while he spends the day tweeting about his beliefs and his summer reading list.
DUDE!
No one expects Foster to make it rain at the local strip club as proof that he's a pro baller, but is it too much to ask that he at least pretends to care about his career?
Foster is essentially turning into Ricky Williams circa 2004. Which is to say very freaking flaky.
At this point it is going to take about 5 back-to-back 100 yard games out of Foster for me to put Ben Tate on my bench. Because every Sunday I leave Tate out of my lineup is a Sunday that I think Foster is going to take the reins, and I'm not sure he really cares to. One of the two of these gentlemen came out this season to play running back, the other wants to tweet about world peace. Hippy.

Can the Panthers play fantasy defense?

2011-09-21T12:33:00.005-04:00

Unfortunately as a fantasy owner you don't get to actively work to destroy your opponents' defenses, unless you are Maurice Jones Drew, and even then it's debatable. No, our adversary is going to field a team and the best we can hope to do is field a better one - which is why a fantasy defense is literally just another facet of the offense.

Defenses get the short shrift at the draft, most players waiting until well into the 9th or 10th round to take one. Though every year someone will reach up and grab a Steelers or a Ravens D in an earlier round - depending on who is looking more trendy.

Certainly the Steelers were the trendy pick this year, generally followed by Green Bay, Philly and the Jets. In retrospect the only member of that group worth their salt so far has been the Jets. That the Jets are strong on D is no surprise, that the others are so weak is, frankly, weird. If you took one of the formerly stout defenses that has yet to coalesce, you might just be getting ready to hop onto the Defense Carousel. I know I am.

Having taken the Patriots D at a reasonable position I was excited about their prospects. Two games later I am more excited about catching the clap. The Patriots defense is brilliant in terms of allowing the actual Patriots to win actual games, but less well-versed in helping fantasy teams win imaginary games.

If you are like me you will have no compunction about quickly dropping a struggling D in favor of a stronger option. But what if a long-term stronger option doesn't really exist? Welcome to the Carousel. Last week the Patriots faced the Chargers and only a great fool starts a D against the Chargers, so I picked up the Browns adhering to my new philosophy that any defense that plays the Colts is a good defense. And it worked. This week the Browns face a Miami team more inclined to care about winning so back to the drawing board.

Against all common sense I've selected the Panthers. Certainly not because the Panthers have demonstrated they can shut anyone down, but simply because the Panthers are playing the Jaguars who will either start a McKown (fantasy gold for a defense) or a rookie who's never seen a snap in the pros and will probably not respond the way Cam did to his opening day. This might be the best fantasy matchup the Panthers see for a while, so I'm on board.

The only problem with this approach is that once you get on the carousel it's hard to get off. Picking the D of the week isn't necessarily a problem unless your league is filled with owners doing the same thing - the pickings can get pretty slim pretty fast and eventually you are going to run into a week where you are forced to start a bad D against a good O. But matchups are everything and I think there is more value in shopping the wires each week instead of marrying yourself to a Defense. And of course, the Colts, the Chiefs and the Seahawks each have to play someone every week. Which is a solid starting point.

Michael Vick unconcussed?

2011-09-21T10:38:00.003-04:00

ESPN is reporting that Michael Vick looks to be prepared to line up Sunday against the Giants. This is good news for fantasy owners who went nuts taking Vick at extremely high draft positions based on his brilliant play last year. But brilliant play or not, Vick probably should not ever have jumped over Brady, Rodgers or Brees in this years draft. One EPSN fantasy prognosticator who will go unnamed (because I refuse to dig up the article to find his name) projected Vick's numbers over the last 8 weeks of 2010 out across the span of 2011 and decided that Vick would be the transcendent QB this year, posting numbers vastly superior to those of his peers. Well, the guy was right about one thing, there is a QB posting historically sick numbers it's just not a guy in an Eagles uniform.

Don't get me wrong - Vick has been a solid QB but looking back I bet most Vick owners wish they had gone another direction. Especially when they see his bell getting rung by his own player. When I took Vick I made a point to go get a back up a little earlier than I probably would have otherwise. Now I'm glad I have Cutler sitting on my bench just in case this ESPN report turns into hogwash.

I fully expected to wake up Monday morning to reports that Vick's head had fallen off his body overnight and the services would be be next Sunday. But as a Jamaal Charles owner I'm primed to fear the worst, especially when my boy looks dazed and confused and is spitting blood on the sideline.

Fingers crossed for me and all the other Vick owners that this reports is for real and I can take my backup out of the lineup.

Thomas Jones and Dexter McCluster are worthless

2011-09-20T16:59:00.004-04:00

Jamaal Charles owners know pain.

They know suffering. They know how hard it is when a talent gets wasted. Above all else they know a thing our two about the Chiefs. As one of the Charles faithful I feel it important to pass along this piece of advice: Just because Jamaal was able to score fantasy points in the Kansas City offense does not mean that anyone else will.

Today there has been a mad screaming rush as people grapple to get their hands into Dexter McCluster and to a lesser degree Thomas Jones. And on the surface it makes sense - Jamaal was going to have success as the primary running back for the the Chiefs, so his replacement will also have value. I call BS.

In two games the Chiefs have amassed 1o whole points. In the same two games they have allowed 89 points to be scored on them. So what we have are the makings of a competition, a true fight to see who can land the services of Andrew Luck. In this corner we have the Kansas City Chiefs who are legitimately the most horrible football team in the league. They've lost their best offensive player (Charles) their second best offensive player (TE Tony Moeaki) and their best defender (safety Eric Berry). If only Todd Haley could get injured these other losses might not matter so much, but alas, he's reportedly in fantastic shape. Add to that the unfortunate fact that they won their division last year and therefore get to play the likes of Chicago, Pittsburgh and Green Bay on top of the rigerous task of pairing up with the AFC East this year (New England, Jets, Buffalo and Miami). Nevermind Oakland and San Diego twice a pop.

The Chiefs are in for a seriously long season, the likes of which hard-ass player hating coaches like Todd Haley get shivved in the locker room 5 minutes after the team completely gices up on him. He'll be lucky to have a job next year.

As far as I'm concerned the game of the year will happen at 1 p.m. Sunday Oct. 9th in Indianapolis when the Chiefs come to town and the two teams with the best chances of landing Andrew Luck face off to determine who is the leasat pretty of them all.

So the answer is NO. Thomas Jones will not be a useful addition to your team. Neither will McCluster. They are two very average rats on a very below average sinking ship. To rush in to acquire their services is akin to getting a blood transfusion from a guy with leukemia just because he doesn't have full blown AIDS. There's a lot of perfectly usable blood out there, don't settle for the tainted stuff.

Week 2 waiver wire - harder than laughing at Ashton Kutcher*

2011-09-20T12:10:00.004-04:00

Drafting with prescience is about the best thing a fantasy owner can do. The guy who decided to take Ray Rice in the first round, Tom Brady in the second, Miles Austin in the 3rd and Ryan Mathews in the 4th is doing quite nicely for himself. Yes, quite nicely indeed.

But since most of us do not have that grouping of players, the next best thing a fantasy owner can do is be diligent on the waiver moves. Especially over the first few weeks where unprovens are proving themselves (Denarius Moore) and provens are unproving themselves (Arian Foster).

In leagues with no waiver wire the only proven method of getting the right guy is to never leave your laptop for one second and stay forever glued to the RedZone channel or the gamemix channel. Good luck, it's rough out there.

If you do have a waiver wire that allows you a little time to think about moves before you make them then here are a few names to consider for the week:

The aforementioned Denarius Moore has replaced the injured Darrius Heyward-Bey and Jacoby Ford as the prime target for the Raiders' rejuvenated Jason Campbell. He's turning heads and will not be available after this week. But there's more. David Nelson, the secondary receiver for the all-powerful Buffalo Bills is finding the end zone and good yardage to boot. He might not have the pizazz possessed by Moore but neither does he have to fear being replaced by a returning starter. He's already second to Stevie Johnson and doing quite well, thank you very much. Speaking of Bills, C.J. Spiller is available all over the place and he looked like the better of the two runners between he and Fred Jackson. He's not getting the bulk of the carries so that's a concern, but he looks well-equipped to perform when he does touch the ball. Denver's Eric Decker has been tearing it up in the absence of Brandon Lloyd. He might continue down that path to a fruitful season or Lloyd might step back into the offense and reclaim his position - only Kyle Orton knows.

*Unrelated note about a cruddy show that just broke through the crapmosphere: I happened upon 2.5 men last night, mildly curious about how they would A) Kill off Charlie B) Introduce Kutcher and C) try in vain to make the show funny. Let's start with C. The show was marginally enjoyable in it's infancy when Charlie's boozing and sleeping around were somewhat novel and the kid was a kid. It hasn't been remotely humorous since the kid became a teenager. Why? You could argue that MAYBE teenagers can do angst, but not since Farmer Ted have they been funny (maybe American Pie...maybe). B) Kutcher has never been funny, he happened to be surrounded by talent on that 70s show, but he was never close to being funny, and not surprisingly he still isn't. A) Having Charlie get pushed in front of a train by Rose is pretty good. As was the revelation that he and John Stamos hooked up, as was the premise that Dharma and Greg are now a miserable middle-aged married couple harping at each other. With that last bit I'm convinced the two funniest moments of the season were used up in the first 2 minutes of the season opener. Somewhere Charlie Sheen is laughing and drinking and whoring. And definitely not in that order.

Tuesday Hangover: The day we were all hospitalized

2011-09-20T09:19:00.003-04:00

Am I running a little late today?
I have an excuse. I tore my ACL, sprained my MCL, punctured my lung, broke my ribs, got a concussion and pulled my hamstring. No big deal. You know why? Because I wasn't a starter on your fantasy football team this weekend. The same cannot be said for Jamaal Charles (season over), Aaron Hernandez (likely to miss two weeks), Tony Romo (huge stud), Michael Vick and Mario Manningham (conflicting reports about their availability for next week), Miles Austin and Arian Foster (at least one of whom is out next week while the other may be losing his job to Ben Tate if he doesn't get healed up). Of the aforementioned gimps only Austin had the common courtesy to rack up 140 yards and 3 TDs before he aggravated his hammy. Other players please take note.

There were other notable boo-boos: Brent Celek is Q with a back strain, Braylon Edwards hurt his knee at the precise moment Alex Smith recovered from his Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior, 5th and 6th year slump. Good timing Braylon, go have a drink.
And don't let me forget to mention DeAngelo and CJ2k who, while not technically injured, both technically suck.
So yeah, it was a brutal weekend for many, many owners. Watching Reggie Bush and Tampa Mike Williams get basically ignored all day Sunday is one thing, you could just bench them if you didn't have to replace all the injured dudes that had been carrying your team (and more importantly my team).
But it'll be OK (unless you were banking on Jamaal Charles to carry your team, which I was) most of those guys will be back in at least two weeks and I find it hard to believe with the reports we're getting that Vick won't play against the putrid Giants this week and Romo finished the game against the 9ers, no way he sits against the (division leading!?!?) Redskins.

But enough doom and gloom. Someone had to have good day, right? Not on my team they didn't but I'm sure some of you started Tom Brady, Larry Fitzgerald, Matt Forte, Jahvid Best, VJax, Kenny Britt and Fred Jackson. Yes, the same Fred Jackson I have been touting for the past 3 years has finally had back to back good games. See, I'm not as dumb as you thought I was.

But is Jackson's resurgence the only sign of my brilliance? Hardly. Have I mentioned that the 0-2 Colts are tanking this season? You can't argue with that, can you? They just got mauled by the Browns, at home. Those same Browns got beaten soundly in week one by the Bengals.
-Matthew Stafford is fantasy gold. The 15% of owners who took a shot at Stafford are very excited. Not Cam Newton excited, but you know, pretty happy.
-Julio Jones is not human. Looks almost as if he's supplanted Roddy White as the falcon's number one option. Sure everyone else called this too, but I'm the one with the Tuesday Hangover column so I'm taking my share of credit.
-Oh yeah, and I might have mentioned that Arian Foster was going to reinjure his hammy in a fruitless attempt to save his job. If Ben Tate owners had just listened to me there would be a lot fewer Ben Tates sitting on benches this weekend.

Randy Moss: Straight Cashed Homey*

2011-09-16T09:11:00.003-04:00

The transcendent but teamless wide receiver Randy Moss called it quits early this year, long before the season started. But before Tom Brady even threw his first touchdown pass in this year's campaign for a SuperBowl Moss publicly announced that he would love to play with the Pats again.
No big deal. Nothing to see here. Until Brady shouted back that he would love to be throwing the ball to Moss again. Then some heads started turning.

Anyone who has paid attention to Bill Belichick knows the odds of Moss returning to Foxboro was somewhere south of zilch, but still, what if. It's the "what if" that had some risk-taking fantasy owners dropping their worst players and picking up Moss on on the off chance he'd step back on to the field. It was a lottery ticket. And unfortunately the lotto is over and Moss has announced that having gotten no big money offers from teams he's hanging up the gloves. No real surprise here, but with the Brett Favre-style retirement still ringing in our ears it's easy to see why some people would have gotten grabby.

The king is dead. Long live the king.

*You know, unless this whole Ochocinco thing doesn't work out, then you never know. He did make the announcement at a Boston-area golf course after all.

Maurice Jones Drew: Toddler Knees

2011-09-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

Maurice Jones Drew, fresh off complaining about the number of touches he got this weekend (24 for 97 yards - not too shabby if you ask me) has emphatically stated that not only is his knee no longer a liability, it's better than ever, well almost ever: "It actually feels like when I was 8 years old, or when I was born, fresh out of the womb knee." Which, frankly, would make me want to bench him too. I don't know much about MJD's knees, but I've seen a newborn or two in my day and those knees wouldn't hold up to a 24 carry NFL game. And while there might be some biggish 8-year-olds out there I guarantee there isn't one that I couldn't just cream on the gridiron, no matter what kind of knees he had.

But this is all hyperbole as far as I'm concerned. His motivations are so transparent he shouldn't even bother coming up with a cover story. Everyone knows MJD is a huge fantasy baller, fancies himself something of a legend, has a talk show and everything. Obviously he's in a yardage bonus league and fell short in week one by some margin that three extra yards would have solved. Hey bud, guess what? We're all upset when our starting running backs fall 3 yards shy of our bonus. It's part of the game. You don't see me calling up Todd Haley every weekend and complaining that he might as well strap a sandwich board on Jamal Charles for all the work he's getting. He'd more useful selling concessions, probably get more fantasy points too. But that's not how the game works. There element of chance surrounds every decision we make, if you go fixing games by demanding more carries the whole system breaks down.

What else is Ochocinco in awe of?

2011-09-14T22:49:00.007-04:00

The voices of the worldwide leader are capital H hating Ochocinco for being so impressed with the Patriots performance on Monday.
I wonder if they care about the other stuff Ocho is in awe of.
To wit:
1) VH1's T.O. Show has, to date, won ZERO emmys.
2) The best wide receiver on his team is barely a 6" taller than Tom Cruise, and only 9" taller than Suri.
3) Grantland is actually a really good read.
4) Mitch Albom's upcoming biography - Cliff Clavin: 3 People Who Have Never Been In My Kitchen
5) The bark of the redwood tree is fireproof.

Pretty amazed myself, actually. Hopefully Teddy Bruschi won't rip me a new one on The Herd tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Hammygate ad nauseum

2011-09-14T19:13:00.004-04:00

Arian Foster doesn't care about stats. That is, he doesn't care about stats until his backup's backup comes in and starts dropping stats all over the place.
Was there any chance after Ben Tate's 116 yard 2TD performance that the hammy would feel way better than it did the day before? Ah the restorative qualities of fighting for one's job strike again. Foster is saying he's not 100% sure he'll go but Kubiak seems to think it's a lock, so it's a lock. Bad new for all the Ben Tate owners out there. Except maybe, just maybe, Foster is coming back too soon (ESPN's doctor did say 3-4 weeks after all, right?) and he cuts to the left and he cuts to the right and pop goes the unhealed hammy. Hopefully for the Texans and Arian Foster owners the team doctors are more aware of Foster's condition the ESPN's doctors are. But I don't see how that's possible.

Hakeem Nicks might just miss 1 week

2011-09-14T12:22:00.004-04:00

The Giants wide receiver and former Tar Heel Hakeem Nicks is injured. Again. While he's only expected to miss one week with what is being characterized as a "bone bruise," his trend of being easily damaged is somewhat troubling whether you are a Nick's owner or a giants fan (in case of the latter my condolences - maybe your owner also is tanking to get in on the chase for Andrew Luck - it might be the best possible move).

Nicks missed a couple of weeks last Nov. and Dec. when his leg was diagnosed with Compartment Syndrome and had to have surgery. Which, by the way, proves that you can put the word syndrome behind any anything and make it sound just awful.

So Nicks was originally pegged to be out 3-4 weeks and now they are dialing it back to maybe just one, but still, you get a little tired of counting the minutes before this guy gets hurt and since they are being wishy-washy about his prognosis for return, after this week you'll have to be hawking the injury report every Sunday like it's your job.

In the immortal words of Keyshawn Johnson: "C'mon Man!"

Cam Newton: Waiver Warrior?

2011-09-14T09:08:00.004-04:00

Cam Newton will be one of a handful of major waiver pickups and bench promotions today. Along with Rex Grossman, Devery Henderson, Mike Sims Walker, Redskins D and kickers, kickers, kickers.
Of course it's one thing to pick up a player and it's another thing entirely to place them in your starting lineup. So who's a worthy first teamer?

Cam Newton: Panthers fans are understandably beside themselves with the surprise performance of the rookie QB that not only gave the franchise hope at that position but also revived a dormant Steve Smith (who became the ultimate lottery ticket of the weekend). But the Arizona Cardinals and the Green Bay Packers are not exactly equals. What worked against a fairly anemic Arizona D will have a tougher time against Green Bay. But there are some ups and downs to consider. Green Bay did give up a ton of yards through the air, and Steve Smith, Greg Olson and Jeremy Shockey offer Newton three great outlets to spread the offense. On the flip side it was Drew Brees who was systematically took the Saints down the field last Thursday. Very little chance Cam can duplicate that performance. outlook - I wouldn't start Cam unless my alternative was somewhere south of Matt Cassel.

Devery Henderson: Lance Moore is still a question mark and Marques Colston unquestionably has a broken shoulder. That makes Henderson WR 1. Naturally Robert Meachem and Jimmy Graham will get a ton of balls, but guess what? Brees throws a ton of balls, and after Mark Ingram's uninspiring performance last week there's no reason to think the Saints will bother keeping the ball on the ground. outlook - easy WR2 or flex depending on the format.

Mike Sims-Walker: With the entire Rams offense getting injured on Sunday MSW is basically the last man standing. outlook - Sounds like Sam Bradford will play, but that's probably not enough to make Walker a starter on your squad unless your fantasy team is as injured as the Rams are, in which case you might want to throw in the flag.

Rex Grossman: The Redskins QB has had one of the most justly maligned careers of any player who has somehow managed to stay employed for nearly a decade. A decade of Grossman. How? The guy has had exactly one good year and that success was built largely on the team's defensive prowess. The 2011 Redskins D was surprising but not '06 Bears surprising. Of course the Skins get the aforementioned Cardinals this weekend, so maybe Rex has another big day in him. outlook: Unless you have a top 6 qb he's a good option to start.

Redskins D: Speaking of the surprising skins D, should you start them against the cardinals? Well, let's put that win against the Giants in perspective, the Giants are awful. Eli needs to be benched like a donkey. And Arizona may have a flaccid D that allowed the Panthers to throw all over them, but Kevin Kolb, Larry Fitzgerald and Beanie Wells will put up some points. outlook: keep them on the bench until they shut down someone decent.

Obviously there are many other players out there getting snapped up in a hurry, Arizona WR Early Ducet and Packer Randall Cobb. They may be worth grabbing but wait until they repeat their performances unless you have massive holes to fill.

Should we all just fade the Colts?

2011-09-13T21:25:00.006-04:00

Colts president Bill Polian has in one week lost Peyton Manning for the season (probably), scouted Andrew Luck and told his fans: "There will b some shocking,dramatic,inspiring,unimaginable things happening n Coltsland the next 18 months...buckle up,stay faithful,BELIEVE."
Now I'm no genius, but obviously he's talking about just tanking the crap out of this season. He's not even being subtle about it. Just basically saying: bear with us while we lose every single game this season. And if Polian's driving that direction who are we not to jump on board? I mean, we'd be crazy to just sit there and ignore this kind of fantasy gold right?
Because once a team president has made up his mind to win the Andrew Luck lottery there's just no stopping him. Read your history. So he's got to just jump in with both feet and really get out front of this thing. They aren't even going to risk winning a game. They are going to get blown out every single week. So call me crazy, but I'm starting whatever defense is playing against the Colts for the rest of the season. Kerry Collins has probably been given strict orders to throw at least 3 picks a game.
So Mr. Polian, I'm not even mad. I'm on totally on board with this plan. I think it might be crazy enough to work.

The new fantasy reality: To air is human

2011-09-13T15:50:00.005-04:00

It was only a matter of time before the new rules protecting receivers and old rules protecting quarterbacks and the no rules protecting running backs would reshape the face of the NFL.
It's been all the talk today about the 7,000+ yards that were gained through the air this weekend. It's just the natural fallout from the rules that keep defenders from creaming receivers. Why in the world* would anyone bother running a back into a line filled with huge dudes dead set on crushing him when they could spread it out and let the quarterback go to work with an array of weapons.
How many times on Sunday did the running back turn into the outlet receiver? How many times did tight ends make crucial plays? The future of the fantasy game and football in general will be built around slot receivers, tight ends and excellent quarterbacks.
Was I blown away by Reggie Bush? Maybe not, but he's exactly the kind of back that can have a lot of success going forward. Ditto Darren Sproles. Look at LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the most productive runners of all time, he posted passable fantasy numbers playing, for all intents and purposes, a receiver. LDT's rushing yards on Sunday? 16. Receiving yards? 73.
The Old School backs, AP, CJ2K, MJD, Steven Jackson, Rashard Mendenhall and Frank Gore had middling days at best. Of the bruisers only RunDMC, Cedric Benson and Beanie Wells (naturally) got away with running over opponents. LeSean also had a good day rushing, but he also had a receiving TD to pad out the stats.
On the other hand:
Ray Rice - 107 on the ground, 42 in the air plus a receiving TD
Michael Turner - 100, 40 receiving
Matt Forte - 68, 90 receiving w/ a receiving TD
Mike Tolbert - 35, 58 w/ 2 receiving TDs.
Reggie Bush - 38, 56 w/ 2 receiving TDs.

Granted the league I'm basing this on is ppr, but for the most part these guys posted the best running back scores of the day. This could turn out to be an anomaly and I'll look like a dope. But of the 8 games I paid close attention to, only the Raiders bucked the trend successfully. Every other offense seemed to be in some stage of developing this kind of aerial attack.

*Of course not every QB can manage that kind of pace, but I'm guessing in the near future that's what GMs will be looking for.

$#*! Ron Jaworski says

2011-09-13T09:57:00.003-04:00

Sure. Jaws uttered a curse word evocative of doodie.

Sure. He did this while watching Chad Henne play football.
Sure. He said it on Monday Night Football and 6 zillion people probably heard him.

But honestly, what did you expect? Jaworski is just a man, same as the rest of us. A man trapped in an announcers booth with Jon Gruden for hours on end, week after week for what must seem like a thousand eternities. Is there any question that he would lose it on air? The only legitimate question is how did he hold out this long before spewing invectives for all the world to hear? Every time I see the creepy, faux intensity on Chucky's face as his goes over film with some clearly annoyed player, I say exactly the same thing. My 1 year old son's first words were, in this order: "Daddy. Mommy. Go. And $#*! it's Gruden!"

So I say give the man a break. Even better, give him a new color guy before he really flips out.

Tuesday Hangover: The Cam Newtoning

2011-09-13T00:33:00.004-04:00

We love fantasy football for many reasons, not the least of which is that decisions you were 100% sure about a week ago have in one Sunday turned in to the rantings of a crazy man. In what world does Cam Newton and Steve Smith combine for more than 60 points and Chris Johnson and Frank Gore have 10. But that's the way it goes. Steve Smith was a starter in just 20% of Yahoo! leagues, Cam just 3. Johnson and Gore are starters in like a million percent of all leagues.
It was a good weekend to be quarterback, unless your name was Manning. Last week I mentioned casually that you needed to have one of 6 or 7 quarterbacks if you were going to be successful this year. Turns out that was a minor miscalculation. Turns out there were like 17 guys you could have started and had a respectable week. It's a little thinner at the tippy top, in that rare air where the truly elite QBs like Brees, Brady and Cam Newton and Ryan Fitzpatrick reside. Brees and Brady alone combine for almost a thousand yards passing. I don't know much about the metric system, but that sounds like a long way.
And while the QB play was pretty much transcendent across the board, some parts of the fantasy landscape were stuck in a very familiar gear. Of course I'm talking to Jamaal Charles owners here. Last year Todd Haley managed to take the best statistical runner since Eric Dickerson and make him practically second fiddle to Thomas Jones, a man who defines: "Yeah, he's OK". This season Charles fans - noticing that Jones is qualified AARP member - held out hope that Jamaal would no longer split time 50/50 with another running back. And on that small count they got their wish, Thomas Jones got less air time than the lottery girl. Did that stop Todd Haley from making Charles a fantasy non-entity? Heck no. He simply decided the Chiefs were going to focus on their passing game, ignoring the run almost completely. Sure, Jamaal did find the end zone late to salvage the day from being a complete loss, but he only got 10 carries from the backfield, not exactly the way to get into a rhythm. I hate Todd Haley like an STD.
The oddest development of the weekend, in my mind, is the shift going on in New England where it appears that 85% of that offense is being run through the tight ends. Every play seemed to be a pass that ended in the hands of a Gronkowski or a Hernandez. Were it not for that massive 99-yard reception by Welker to skew things back toward the receivers, I might be inclined to think that Belichick was in the process of downsizing the offense to three positions to make things easier for Jon Gruden to understand.
So what exactly happened to the running backs? LeGarrette Blount, Rashard Mendenhall, Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Frank Gore, DeAngelo Williams, Ahmad Bradshaw all suffered from lack of production that had fantasy owners grinding their teeth all day on Sunday. Is the running back no longer the workhorse of the fantasy team? New rules have made the passing game a much easier one to play. And this weekend, at least, the most successful runners were the ones like Ray Rice and LeSean McCoy catching short dump offs and working the ball up the field.
Of course, as always, the worst thing that can happen to your fantasy team is when your kicker injures himself on the opening kickoff of the season and scores a big fat goose egg while a punter does his job for him and you end up losing by 1 point. Yeah, that happened to pretty much everyone who owned Nate Kaeding. Note to kickers: If you are going to blow a tire, do it on the Friday before so we can to pick up a stray Grammatica. Something.
Bonus fact: In case you didn't stay up to 2 a.m. watching Brandon Lloyd not get the 1 extra yard you needed to tie your game, you missed Steve Young comparing Tom Brady to Harry Potter until Stu Scott mercifully cut him off. Listen, I like Tom Brady, and I like Steve Young, and I even like Harry Potter, but mixing those three things together in the same highlight reel is a little like a soup sandwich. Besides, Belichick is totally Voldemort. For real.

Meditations on a 76 point game

2011-09-10T14:15:00.004-04:00

Can you see Heisman winner Mark Ingram in this pile? I sure can't. Nor did he make much of an impression on my tote board. While his teammate and presumed has-been , Pierre Thomas, wasn't much of a statistical improvement he at least appeared aware that the optimum direction for the ball to move is forward and that the guys wearing the other colors were fundamentally opposed to making such movement easy. A concept clearly lost on Ingram.
I have a well-documented tendency to bail on a player the first possible moment he disappoints. And I'll perhaps employ a fraction more patience with this particular pick, but watching this game served as an unmitigated reminder to anyone with eyeballs and a television that some teams simply do not care to run the football, do not build scoring schemes around their running backs and likely only field the position because they happen to have jerseys already bearing the appropriate numbers.
In a game where defenses were unwilling to be bothered with defending, running backs came off as useless appendages whose main purpose was to run the clock. So yeah, I'm regretting this move a little. The NFL is an airborne league, it's foolish to draft a landlocked player. We'll see what happens as the weeks progress, but I'm not holding out high hopes that Ingram will be more than a small cog in anyone's wheel, fantasy or otherwise.

Other notes
>>Nice collarbone Colston. They are saying 4 weeks. But they were saying 4 weeks for Peyton until it turned into See Ya!
>> These days you have to have good quarterback to win a game. Rodgers and Brees posted scores of 30 & 34 points respectively in standard scoring leagues. You can argue that in ppr leagues there are some WR's with equally high value, but outside of that QBs are the absolute key. If you don't have one of 6 or 7 guys you are in for a long season. For the arithmatically challenged among us, that's about half your league.
>>I am in two ppr leagues and two non-ppr leagues and I have such an intense preference for the ppr (1/2 ppr really) that I have a hard time getting completely into the methodical scoring of non-pprs. I'm new to one of the leagues so the only incentive I require is the desire not to look like a boob. I've been in the other for years and every year I think the same thing: This league would be 300% better with ppr.
>>Maybe that's because I always draft good receivers.
>> Jimmy Graham anyone?
>> Here's how the kickoff rules affect the game: touchback, touchback, touchback, touchback, touchback, touchback, touchback, touchback, random back-flipping touchdown, touchback, touchback, touchback. I think you see my point.

Here's hoping your offense isn't built around Colston and Ingram. If so, things could get hairy.

HammyGate Part Whatever: Arian Foster hates fantasy owners

2011-09-07T21:42:00.010-04:00

There are things we know about Arian Foster and there are things we don't know about Arian Foster. For instance, we don't know if his hamstring is injured, if it's healthy, if he'll play on Sunday or if he'll sit in a huge jacuzzi pounding herbal tea and pondering the meaning of life while every fantasy owner who drafted him, and the 6 known Texans fans curse his name. What we do know is that Arian Foster HATES. Capital H-A-T-E-S fantasy football.

He hates me. He hates you. He hates you extra if you drafted him. And here we see the problem when a guy with a philosophy major becomes a starting running back. When Foster has some time on his hands he isn't just sitting around counting his jing, he's thinking about the state of the world and wondering deep thoughts like: "Do fans really care about ME? Or am I just a workhorse they can ride to a championship?" And of course these are wonderful questions that would never bother the minds of DeSean Jackson and Chris Johnson, but Foster does yoga and writes poetry and I'm sure engages in a variety of fancy activities that don't include drafting a fantasy football team.

Not only does he not feel your pain, apparently he relishes it. And as a potential number one overall pick he wields the kind of power over fantasy football leagues that Ben Bernanke does over the economy. One wrong, misplaced or offhanded remark and Chris Johnson is the number one guy. In my last draft on Sunday Foster fell to like the 7th spot - and I was the 6th spot. I was on the clock looking at Arian Foster and Andre Johnson and I couldn't in good conscience say that Foster was going to be healthy and on the field to start the season (also I believe Andre is one of the baddest men on the planet Earth and I think he's going to kill it this year).

After the reports today that Foster isn't practicing and doesn't know for sure if he'll suit up against the Colts I'm feeling pretty good about my choice. But at the same time I would not be a bit surprised if he came out and rushed for 250 yards and in the post gamer confessed to making the whole thing up and that it wasn't even a picture of his hamstring that he tweeted but satellite photo the Galapagos Islands that he keeps in his study.

Peyton Manning just ruined your draft

2011-09-07T17:20:00.002-04:00

There are a few guys in the NFL that are absolute lynch pins, not just to the success of their organizations but to the success of the individual performers who depend on the star to achieve their own great heights.

No one epitomizes this MVPness more than Peyton Manning. Just ask any fantasy owner who drafted Manning, Reggie Wayne, Austin Collie, Pierre Garcon or Dallas Clark - also known as about half the owners in your league. In all fairness Manning's own stock had been sliding steadily over the past month, but in many cases he still went as early as the 2nd round. And Garcon and Collie weren't necessarily considered top level guys at the receiver position, but if you knew Manning was going to call in sick for the first who-knows-how-many weeks you would have let those guys slide even farther.

The real victims here (besides Manning owners of course) are the poor suckers who took Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark in the early rounds. Wayne is by all accounts still a top 10 guy and Clark is easily a top 5 TE, with Manning. Without Peyton he's just some guy named after a crappy TV show. I suppose that's not entirely true, Jason Witten shined last season under the horrific reign of Jon Kitna simply because Kitna was forced to constantly check down off his primary reads unless he wanted to get pulverized. Perhaps there's hope for Clark. But I'm guessing Reggie Wayne owners are inconsolable. And I don't begrudge them that emotion.

On the flip side of this debacle, of course, are all the owners who wisely didn't draft those Colts and now get to play watered down opponents until such time as Pey Pey rejoins the fold. I personally get backups twice in the first week of the season and I couldn't be happier.

Here's hopin' you didn't draft David Garrard

2011-09-06T16:39:00.008-04:00

Because guess what? He's gonzo.

In upholding one of the franchise's greatest traditions the Jacksonville Jaguars have unceremoniously* dumped their starting QB mere days before their first game of the season.

If that smell is familiar it's because it smells like Byron Leftwich who the Jags also not so long ago that my porous brain has forgotten.

Not that it matters, you certainly didn't draft David Garrard and anyone who did was prepping for a colossally bad season, so they don't care. The only question is - does this move of Blaine Gabbert's time frame? I mean, Luke McCown has been tagged as the starter and that's never worked out for anyone. Ever. So Gabbert will probably see some starts this season. So what does that mean to you? Practically nothing. But on the off chance you are in one of those keeper leagues that rewards you for picking up a guy off the waivers and allows you to hold on to that guy forever then maybe you take shot, stick him deep on your bench and hope you don't need the spot later in the year.

The AFC South is just no place to be a quarterback this year. If I were Matt Schaub or Matt Hasselbeck I'd take out extra insurance right about now. There's no way both of those guys make it through the season, right? Hasselbeck has exactly 76 minutes of football left in those old bones and Schaub, well, it's only a matter of time before he posts an MRI of his hammy for ESPN doctors to examine. Maybe I shouldn't have gone so heavy on Andre Johnson.

*My greatest hope is that there actually is a ceremony. And in that ceremony the new QB1 gets to saddle up and ride the old QB1 out of the building like a tired sow to the slaughter. That would be fun to attend. No? Never mind the confidence it would give the new QB.

UPDATE: Apparently they do have a ceremony in Jacksonville. They take the quarterback to the local chamber of commerce where they introduce him around as the starter, make him shake hands and eat crappy chamber of commerce food and 2 hours later, his chicken tetrazzini still undigested, they drop the hammer on him. Stay classy, Jacksonville.

In which I enter my first auction draft

2011-09-06T13:39:00.003-04:00

Saturday marked my first auction draft and now I know what many of you have known for years: There are no losers at the auction draft.
Of course, the season will start soon and there will be plenty of losers. Losers galore. But for one glowing day 12 people basically got what they wanted, or at the very least they didn't get what they didn't want.
What does that even mean? Am I starting to sound like Peter King? Perhaps.
It's really quite simple. In a standard draft someone goes first and takes whoever he wants. And on down the line quality players disappear from sight before you ever have a chance to get your mitts on them.
Obviously you can't have everyone you want, but you have a chance to spend your money to procure the players you find the most interesting. If you are dead set on owning Chris Johnson (as many people are) you have the opportunity to at least test your commitment to the cause. And as his price creeps (leaps?) ever northward your commitment is continually challenged until you or a more committed owner names a price that no one else is comfortable with.
This is infinitely better than just losing rights to another owner based primarily on luck of the draw or your prior season's record.
Why? Because even if you don't end up with Chris Johnson you know that he is not worth the final selling price (or you would have offered it) and you know that by chasing the player you helped drive up his price and cost your opponent a lot of money that he can no longer use to take the other players you have your eye on.
Not that this format is without downsides. The biggest in my mind was the total focus it involves. None of the running out to the garage for a beer break when you know you have 30 minutes before your next pick, that I'm used to. You have to stay involved because you never know who the next player on the block will be. Whether you are bidding or not you are constantly paying attention to how much other owners are spending to be able to gauge their future bidding power.
When the draft ends you may not have every player you wanted, but you definitely want every player you have or you would not have bid on them.
The season will separate the quick from the dead, but I know I left that draft knowing that I would win the SuperBowl, and I'd bet almost everyone else in the room felt the same way. Suckers.

HammyGate marches on

2011-09-05T18:25:00.007-04:00

Arian Foster's hamstring has struck again. Word now is that he's good to go for week 1. This is a shocking development that throws into question the integrity and intelligence of ESPN's Medical Staff.

It also makes me wonder if Peyton Manning might not also have had miracle recovery if only he had tweeted an MRI of his neck.

Honestly I think this is bad news for Foster owners (and to a lesser degree Texans fans) unless he was literally pulling our collective leg with this one. Which, if he was, then Kudos old chap - you fell to the 6th pick in my last draft which means you had everyone nice and bamboozled.

But on the off chance that he actually does have some anti-awesomeness going on with his hamstring then playing through the pain might get him on the field for opening day, but could hurt his productivity down the road.

The Concussion Discussion

2011-09-01T17:02:00.007-04:00

NFL says new concussion standard is: Pull the player if concussion is suspected.

Not that I don't care about safety* but I care more about knowing that my guy is not going to get yanked off the field every time James Harrison touches him. Is that selfish? Maybe a little. But that's reality. So in this new age of priceless receivers and QBs who are protected from everything but the IRS, is there a way to know who is less likely to look concussed? Because that's all it's going to take. Someday I'll put together a comprehensive list of players who are Too Wobbly To Draft, in the meantime this should suffice.

1) Desean Jackson - Right off the bat he got smacked around like a rag doll and missed a few clutch games last season. Beyond that he's teensy and he's got a mouth and he plays for the Eagles. He'll probably be dead before their bye week.
2) OchoCinco - I'm pretty sure 75% of his antics are due to being joggled one too many times. He's going to rub up against the goal post the wrong way and Belichick is going to order that his head be examined.
3) Kevin Kolb - Patrick Willis. Twice a year. Book it.
4) Alex Smith - He looks unstable in the best of times. The combination of high winds whipping into Candlestick and the constant threat of being benched should be enough to make him collapse.
5) Percy Harvin - His head hurts when he's not playing football, this new rule should effectively end his career.
6) Ray Rice - He's the only possible running back that I can see putting on this list, which is amazing. Running Backs get cracked on the noggin constantly but no one seems to care. Seriously, did any running backs miss a game last year due to concussion? Had to be, right? But no one is springing to my mind. Well, Ray catches balls and he's on the smaller side, so if any RB is going to look a little concussiony getting up, it's him.
7) Joe Flacco - That guy's 6'6". That's a long way for your head to go to hit the ground. Anyone gets him near the chest and the 3 seconds it takes his skull to hit the turf will be the longest 3 seconds of Roger Goodell's life.
8) Matt Stafford - Hate to have him on here. Really think he's going to have a monster year, that team is just cursed with injuries and he can't stay on the field. My prediction is he leaves at least two games.
9) Bob Sanders - I know, I know, he's not a fantasy player, but c'mon.
10) Jay Cutler - It'll be low blood sugar, but it'll look like a concussion.

SAFEST BET: Peyton Hillis. Guy is built like The Thing. Not saying he's going to have a great year, just saying it'll take more guys than the Bengals have to part his hair, much less give him a concussion.

*I really don't care. Sorry. I'm not hoping to see someone's head fly into the stands or anything, but you know, injuries are part of the game. You don't get into physics if you can't handle a little math, you don't get into the NFL if you want your body to be a lifelong pristine vessel. Just the way it goes.

ALERT! Chris Johnson owners put down your guns!

2011-09-01T15:00:00.004-04:00

Smile CJ2K owners. The Sporting News is reporting the Titans have agreed to terms with Running Back Chris Johnson. Something to the tune of a 4-year extension worth $53 mil with $30 mil in guarantees.
You can buy a lot of gold teeth with that kind scratch. Not sure if that makes him the top paid man in the NFL but it makes him something we in the media like to call RICH! I mean, he's not Ponzi scheme rich, but he's doing very nicely for himself. With any luck he won't let all the money turn into sandwiches and cheese fries and he continues to get in the open field.
Either way, between this and Arian Foster's wayward hamstring, we have a clear No. 1 guy again, and folks who already drafted CJ can step off the ledge.

Hammy-Gate, part 2: Who's more full of it?

2011-09-01T09:13:00.008-04:00

Let's play the Who's more full of it game.

Foster says he's joking. Naturally. I mean, I know humor. And a man who is willing to get an MRI as part of an elaborate set up is a man who is committed to his comedy.
OR
ESPN's in house doctor, Dr. Kaplan, he can tell from the screen grab that we're dealing with a Grade 1 or 2 tear, which experts say could equal 4 weeks of Madden. From a screen grab? Can I email my doctor a picture of my throat the next time I think I have strep? This kind of remote service could revolutionize medicine and get the nation out of our healthcare crisis.

Wow, this is a toss up. On the one hand you've got a player who tweets that his hamstring is busted, gets some blowback from the front office and all the sudden it's a joke. On the other hand an ESPN "doctor" (I wonder if they make him wear scrubs when they interview him they way Dr. Oz does) looks at a screen grab and forms a medical opinion? Just so much stink to wade through it's hard to know where the biggest pile is.
Judgment: He's out.

Arian Foster's Hammy About to BREAK OUT!

2011-08-31T20:48:00.005-04:00

Everybody has 15 minutes of fame.
Turns out the Texans aren't too thrilled with their star running back disclosing his hamstring pull, which could cost Foster 3 weeks. He's saying that he's good to go for week 1, but let's just say the people who drafted Ben Tate are bouncing off walls right about now.
What's bad for Houston's nondisclosure policy is a confusing mess for fantasy owners. What was once a no-brainer top 3 pick is now a bit more questionable. Three weeks isn't the end of the world but it's kind of a long time to be without a number one pick when Ray Rice, Andre Johnson and Shady McCoy are sitting right there winking at you.
So how far does he fall? By claiming that he'll be available for week 1 Foster throws a haze over the whole proceeding.
So it's just a matter of:
a) do you believe Foster's tweet or do you believe the follow up? and/or
b) is Foster missing the first 3 weeks worth passing him up?
I'd bet that he goes in the top 5 unless his Hammy tweets more bad news.

Better Know A Steeler

2011-08-31T15:27:00.003-04:00

Wide Receiver Antonio Brown. What do we know?

>>He's 3rd on the depth chart behind Mike Wallace and Hines Ward.

>>He was practically useless last year playing in about half the games. BUT 5 of those games were the last 5 games of the year where his production was minimal but got increasingly better/

>>He blew up like a teen pop star in the Steelers 3rd preseason outing, going for 137 yards and 2 TDs.

So what does it mean? Taking a number 3 guy is always a risk. But depth charts lie. Hines Ward probably isn't the real number two any more. I mean the guy's tough, but he's also 35. Not many 35 year old guys can continue to do the things that he had to do to be successful. So if Brown is getting some decent playing time on the other side of Wallace then he could be very successful with Wallace drawing the heavy coverage.

And while it's easy to think of the Steelers as the prototypical physical, grind it out kind of offense, the reality is that Ben likes to put some air under the ball. Definitely worth a look.

-Eric Edwards

A one man debate: Starring Michael Vick

2011-08-31T11:34:00.007-04:00

Hi! I'm Mike.

You might know me from such hits as "The Hokie Wonder," "6 Seasons in the ATL," "Dog Day Afternoon" and "The Eagle Has Landed"

If you haven't already drafted me, you are probably wondering if you should. So let's sit for a quick minute and chat about my pros and cons and cons.

Pro: Nobody in the league can do what I do on the field.

Con: Nobody in the league has done what I did off the field.

Con: But I believe that only the media cares about that issue which is obviously in my rear view mirror and can someone please get me a dog!

Pro: I just got signed to a 6-year deal. So somebody up there in Philly thinks I'm worth it.

Con: Lots of guys get big contracts then immediately turn into unmotivated piles of stool. See Eli Manning.

Con: The whole team just got paid a bunch of money so multiply that problem times a whole lot.

Pro: This contract is negotiable in 3 years and that will probably be my last chance for a HUGE paycheck, so let's get some rings, Baby! Plus, every dime I make on this contract goes to get me out of the red.

Con: Defenses seemed to figure me out at the end of last year

Con: Desean Jackson only works 8 weeks out of the year

Pro: Jeremy Maclin probably doesn't have cancer.

Con: Probably.

Con: We're not exactly sure what his problem is if it isn't cancer. Whatever it is he can't sleep, or eat and he's lost a bunch of weight. Might be an issue on the field.

Pro: Shady McCoy and Ronnie Brown can take a ton of pressure off me.

Con: My O-Line can't.

Con: What's a "Wildcat?"

Pro: 49 point fantasy game last year. Any game I start is a game you are never out of. I practically run for 100 yards a game on my own so you are guaranteed at least that. Bonus, in my last 9 games of the regular season last year my lowest fantasy total (depending on league settings) was 23.

Con: Margin of victory isn't worth kibble.

Con: I'm bound to get injured this season

Pro: You are going to kick yourself when you miss out on the most obvious draft pick of all time. I'm going to be the season high scorer by like 100 fantasy points and I will single-handedly keep you in every game.

Con: Or I won't

Con: Or I'll violate my parole and finish up the season in Leavenworth. No Biggie.

Where's the love for Boldin?

2011-08-30T20:23:00.005-04:00

Just kidding. I totally get it. But allow me to esplain. No?

I've been getting ripped in the comments for taking Anquan Boldin in the 2nd round (with pick number 17). And I will absolutely agree that this was a reach, I'd like to set the table a little. One of the owners in this league (a gentleman who also follows this blog) pointed out, in a keeper league you have to take draft position with a grain of salt. When I took Boldin at 17, 40 players were already off the board by the time you calculate in keepers. Many of those keepers are top 30 picks thus leaving the talent pool somewhat weakened before the draft even starts.

So there I am, I own Jamaal Charles, the next best running back that I would have taken (Legarrette Blount) just went two spaces before me and I happen to need a WR pretty badly, and I happen to think VERY highly of Boldin, so I take him. lord knows he won't be there when I pick again with the 32nd pick. Literally zero chance.

Now, I'll give you doubters a little leverage here because in the end it was a personal preference pick. I could have taken Reggie Wayne, Brandon Marshall or Desean (BTW, all those guys were off the board in the next 6 picks). But I think Reggie is getting older and I don't trust Manning as much as I used to. I think the Marshall argument can be made but I think he's shaky, you know, in his melon. So there I am, Desean or Boldin? Well, I've already got Vick on my team and I don't trust him or the Eagles 100%. So I really don't want to get too heavily invested so I go with Boldin. And here's the thing, Boldin is probably the toughest man in football. He's strong and he never, ever gives up on a play. I've always said that the year he and Fitz took the Cards to the Superbowl he was actually outproducing Fitzgerald until, if you recall, he got his face broken into a thousand pieces. His X-Rays were so full of metal they got confused with Barbaro's. But damn if three weeks later he's not back in the game running across the middle, taking end arounds, basically participating in insane behavior for a man whose face has just recently been crushed. From there on out it was pretty much the Fitzgerald show, and that's fine. But what I saw was a Boldin who would not be denied. And so he left for B'more where he started slowly, but late in the season he was a force. And a year later he knows the system and he's probably going to team up with Ray Ray to murder someone on the field. So yeah, I like Boldin a little.

What's more savage than a draft?

2011-08-29T22:27:00.010-04:00

Each year, drafting seems to get a little bit harder.
There are a variety of possible explanations for this, early onset dementia, my own personal loss of fantasy knowledge, maybe an aggregate boost of all the knowledge of the owners I'm drafting against. Or it might be as simple as the old adage: The more you learn, the less you know.

When I drafted my first team back in the summer of 2000 my fantasy IQ was registering somehwere in the lower ranges of imbecile.
"How hard can this be?" I thought as I imagined how I would spend my winnings? Maybe one of those new Segways, those'll be everywhere in 5 years, I'm sure of it.
What could have been an ugly experience turned into fantasy gold when I lucked into the first overall pick and Marshall Faulk in year when Faulk turned in one of the most dominating fantasy years ever. I ended up finishing in second place that year and was pretty convinced I was a fantasy genius.
Eleven years and countless drafts later, nothing seems as simple as it did on that blistering Florida day. Now I realize that not only do I know very little about how things will shake out, I know even less about how they should shake out. None of us really do. Sure, at the draft I'll call someone an inbred sissy for taking Matt Forte in the first round, but I have no idea how Forte will do. If Forte makes the man happy, who am I to judge?

Having traded away my first round pick to gain keeper rights over Michael Vick in the 15th round I took Anquan Boldin in the 2nd. Then, after a massive run on RBs that removed names like AP, Rice, McCoy, Foster, Jackson, Turner, Blount, Gore, Bradshaw, Best (Deep Breath) Bradshaw, Felix, Gore, CJ, Benson, Moreno and Deangelo (nevermind keepers like Shonn Green, Jamaal Charles, MJD, Mendenhall & McFadden) there was hardly a second string running back to be found. So I went with Mark Ingram. I'm not sold on it, probably my biggest stretch of the draft, but when they all start going you have to rewrite the plan.
And that's the reality of understanding fantasy drafts. Since you can't spend an entire draft picking sleepers, and you can't rely on other people to only pick guys you hate, you have to be able to react and roll with the punches (sometimes literally).

My other league is an online draft and due to a fairly large percentage of doofuses who can't remember times or dates or who insist on being in equatorial New Guinea that weekend we get a lot of autodrafts. And of course if you have the computer picking for 3 guys it helps to dampen a run on a commodity, because the computer doesn't care that 23 running backs are off the table before the middle of the 3rd round, autodraft just says: "You need a quarterback in the 3rd round - enjoy Tony Romo" and just like that, it happens.
On the other hand participating in a live draft - where everyone is in attendence - is a bit like going to the zoo 5 minutes after they just unlocked all the cages. Absolute chaos. Drunk people staring at the draft board for 5 full mintues and then accidentally selecting somebody's keeper. The constant din of disapproval alone would be enough to cause an inexperienced hand to head to a corner and weep uncontrollably. And I'm personally responsible for probably less than 60% of that public derision, so yeah, there's a lot to go around.

I think my team is OK. Like anyone else we'll get devoured if we get a bunch of injuries and we might not make the playoffs if at least one of our questionable picks doesn't turn into something decent ahem Ingram . But pretty much everyone is in the same boat -- except the guy who drafted Forte -- he's toast.
And whether I get any smarter, any dumber or any more polite in the years to come it really is irrelevant - I come for the competition but I stay for the theater. If I thought my wife, kids or parents wouldn't watch it I'd sell the rights to our draft to a reality producer and make a killing. I swear a good draft will make the Housewives of New Jersey look like a Junior League bake sale.
And we may not have much - but we have a killer draft.

Twas the 'night before Draftmas

2011-08-22T18:34:00.002-04:00

And I came up with a shtick,
that'll be lamer than Hell,
but will rhyme with Mike Vick.

OK. A better writer than me would have given that stanza more than 13 seconds of thought before rhyming shtick with Vick. more importantly, a better writer than me never would have bothered with imbecilic rhymes in the first place, but I live with two toddlers who respond only to things that rhyme. For example:

This diaper of yours
is always so full
I'm beginning to think
that you are part Bull

Fine, I'll stop. Back to business. Like many of you I have my first draft of the season this Saturday. Two of them in fact. The first for my own league and the second for my favorite league - my keeper league. After 9 seasons of fantasy ball and 4 seasons in a keeper-style league I can honestly say that if you can convince your commissioner to take the extra time and energy to go keeper, you should do it. The advantages far outnumber the weaknesses (which as far as I can tell fall solely on the person managing the league - sorry Steve).

In no particular order
1) When you can keep a few players (we keep 2) you can develop a core team around which you build over time. Maybe you have a stud QB and a stud receiver, you know that you won't have to be overworried about those positions with your first couple of picks. This is especially nice if you can keep a top QB. The guy who won last year has been keeping Drew Brees since he became a Saint. This will be his last year to hold him, thankfully - but he created a championship team out of his ability to keep a top tier QB.

2) Consequently you get more interesting drafts. Since everyone isn't chasing blindly after the same top tier guys you get a lot more diversity among the picks. Our drafts aren't even remotely similar to any Average Drafts you see online. Last year Peyton Manning went 1st. That guy didn't finish in the money or anything, but he thought a top QB was his best chance so he took it.

3) This format opens to the door to more generational thinking. Last year a team named the Stompers picked up Michael Vick off waivers (in this league the lower you take somebody the longer you can keep them - so this was a huge windfall for the Stompers). This year my team traded the Stompers my 1st round pick in 2011 and my 3rd round pick in 2012 for rights to Vick. Could be a huge mistake on either of our parts, but it certainly will provide for a lively draft.

4) This particular keeper format moves any potential keeper up two rounds each year they are kept, and you are not allowed to keep anyone drafted in the 1st two rounds. So guys that come out of college with a ton of buzz can almost never be keepers, but all those sleepers that come out of nowhere can sit on an owner's team for as long as 7 years before they are forced back into the general draft pool. A few years ago a guy took a 9th round flyer on Chris Johnson who was (at the time) getting split evenly with Len Dale White. A few sandwiches later White is a non-entity and the Chris Johnson gets to be kept the next 3 seasons. Wham!

Not that there's anything wrong with the standard draft. Shaking up the fantasy snow globe every year means everyone always starts with a clean slate. But where's the fun in that? The best players can reap sometimes small, sometimes huge year-over-year benefits from drafting wisely, and we all like that.

A general question for those wiser than I

I'm entering my first Auction-Style league this year. What have you learned? What are important drafting strategies beyond: "Don't overpay for Eli Manning!"

I'm anticipating a bit of a learning curve here, but the draft is no time to find out all the things you don't know. Post your tips in the comments. Thanks.

Fantasy Beer Run

2011-08-16T13:39:00.004-04:00

Time to stock the fridge, hide the delicates, give the neighbor the keys and get down to some serious draftin'!

If 2010 was the year of Arian Foster and inappropriate pictures of Favre's QB, then what will 2011 be? Will it be the year the league lowered our expectations so much that anything short of a strike would make for the greatest football season ever? I'm afraid so.* But what the hell, quality entertainment isn't everything, just look at ABC Family (shudders to think.)

So on with the show. I'm not going to bother telling you about Michael Vick or Adrian Peterson because you are going to draft them 1 & 2 no matter what I say. Which is fine. For once the top 8 or 9 picks are all quite workable. No Frank Gores, Steven Jacksons or Randy Mosses out there cluttering up the top line with their emeritus status. Jackson and Gore have finally slipped peacefully into the second round where they will still be drafted too high, and Moss has straight cashed out. Thank God!

The last thing you want is that debate over the return on your investment. And barring injury, this years top pix ought to have no trouble bringing the fantasy points. Ray Rice is the only guy on that list who stands out as a question mark and I'd take him in a second.

Players I love:
Calvin Johnson - It's easy to be dismissive of the Lions because of, well, they are the Lions. But you don't profit from buying a stock when it's at the apex, you buy low then ride that to the top. Megatron could be the best receiver to have in the league this year if no one's shoulder shatters (looking at you here Stafford).

Larry Fitzgerald - There are two things that can happen to a wide receiver to ruin their year: Injury and crappy QB play. Last year the Cards had a lot of the latter. Kevin Kolb should be an enourmous upgrade at QB and captain dreadlocks can help him get there.

Matt Forte - Roy Williams and Marion Barber should help Forte get back to the level he played at his rookie season. Not saying that Roy is be all end all at WR, he clearly isn't, but for the Bears he's an upgrade from Johnny Knox and Devin Hester, which opens the game up for Cutler and therefore opens it up for Forte.

Miles Austin - You simply can't overstate chemistry between QBs and receivers and Romo loves himself some Miles Austin.

DeAngelo Williams - He is a bargain in the 4th round. Offense will be better and when Cam steps in he'll draw a lot of attention away from the other backs.

Wes Welker - His knee is made of Christmas miracles, what else do you need to know?

Ryan Grant - Average Draft position is top of the fifth round. If he stays healthy he's far and away the best rushing option on a wide open offense. No one's stacking the box against Green Bay.

Felix Jones - You know what? Fine. I say this every freaking year. And every freaking year this guy gets run out of Dallas by Marion Barber. But Barber is gone and you can't lose carries to a guy who isn't there. Having said that I retract this pick if the Cowboys pick up Tiki Barber in free agency (which they won't, right, seriously, they'd better not).

Fred Jackson - (See Felix Jones only replace the name Barber with Lynch). After Marshawn left Fred had a good season. I think he's a monster waiting to happen. You don't like it? Well, that's why you didn't finish in 3rd place in 2 out of 3 leagues last year. My creds are huge.

Time is running low here so let's hit a coupla sleepers and then say one thing in general about quarterbacks before the battery on my iPad dies (I've been watching Friday Night Lights for 16 hours straight).

1) Sleepers - Tim Hightower, Michael Bush, Danny Amendola, Rashad Jennings, Ben Tate and Steve Breaston.

2) QBs. Really? Does it matter at this point? The rules are so QB friendly that 8 guys are solid starts. If you can't figure out which they are then, well, I'm sorry. So don't reach for Rodgers or Vick, someone will and you can just wait a minute and get yourself a Stafford or a Rivers or a Brady. Those guys are pretty good, you know.

*Speaking of lowered expectations...you probably thought I was going to hit you with a linear run down of top picks position-by-position, didn't you? Not this year, baby. But I'll guarantee you this, if you draft 3 of the guys I've mentioned and you put a cork in your QB envy, you'll finish in the money and if you don't I'll let you read this site for free all next year.

Good luck, bro.

Tuesday Hangover, Wednesday-style

2010-12-15T12:15:00.002-05:00

Please pardon my tardiness. I have been battling Edgar Allen Poe-level depression/alcoholism since my fantasy season ended with a double defeat Monday night. Season's end, that's natural. Some of them end better than others but most people do not win championships every year so getting bumped from the playoffs, while annoying, isn't much to cry about.
Except when it happens like this:

Sunday morning, looking at my lineup as I prepare to face the worst team in the league. If I win and some clown loses then I make the 4-team postseason. I've got tough matchups but all-star players across the board - except Eli - he's a complete crapsack. The biggest weakness is Shayne Graham playing in an arctic-grade snow dump against a tough D on a team that pretty much just score TDs. Easy bench, right? Let's get a guy in a dome, right? Two of them sitting around, Josh Brown and Mason Crosby. Both are fine and my gut tells me Josh Brown. I get a call from my co-owner before kickoff saying Crosby a better call and he's made the swap. I don't like it, but who cares? Right?

Well, after Michael Turner and MJD get done face-punching me in the 1p.m. games, and the Dolphins and Welker get done curbing my in the 4 p.m.s I'm starting to think that being down by 120 points it might not matter about that kicker after all, I mean Jamaal Charles has already started coasting on his new paycheck and Santonio Holmes is dropping gimmies in the endzone so I stand no chance, right? That's how I felt going into the Sunday night game when out of the blue Kitna and Witten fall in love and DeSean Jackson ascends to a higher plane. All the sudden my 120 point deficit has been cut in half and I still have Eli, Giants D and Andre Johnson left on the plate versus Neil Racker. Not likely but possible.

To shorten this sermon let's just say that Eli must get bonuses for keeping his Defense on the field. But Andre is not to be stifled and that mother brought me to within 3 points of the win. Guess what? Brown outscored Crosby by 4.

There's always next season.

And there's always next season for us too. The Owners are breaking into family/holiday mode and will be posting spottily for the foreseeable future. We won't be here as often but we'll still be around, planning and plotting to make sure that next season no fantasy owner in America drafts Eli Manning, that pimply squid.

Also, we are starting a fundraiser/awareness campaign top make Miller Lite stop making those horrendous ads where the hot bartender mocks her customers for not buying Miller Lite. There is so much wrong with these commercials.
1) I've been in a lot of bars and no one has ever asked if I wanted more taste or less taste. And if they ever did and the More Taste option was Miller Lite I'd kick their mouth shut. Miller Lite is fine. Just fine. But don't come around telling me that it is THE tasty option out there. It's a joke.
2) As long as you are not a dude ordering a Bacardi Breezer, no bartender worth a damn is going to make fun of you. No matter how hot they are. For that matter, the hotter the bartender, the nicer the bartender. Do some research. It's a fact.
3) Would a bartender ever call a customer a Momma's Boy for not ordering a Miller Lite? Does my mother really want me out at a bar drinking Miller Lite but NOT, say, a Coors? It doesn't make any sense.

I've always thought the Miller Lite ads had an edge over the Bud Light ads, but this year it's so lopsided I can't even stand it. And it's not because Bud Light found a funny gimmick. They really didn't. But I can buy a crowd of men looking to Schmeplicate with the sexy aliens for some free beer over the cocktail waitress who calls out the guy for wearing sunglasses at night. Servers live on tips for Christ's sake, they can pretend to be the nicest most understanding people in the world if they think they'll get $5 out of you. And I'm not just saying this because I wear a Sunglasses a dragon shirt and Speedos out to the bar at midnight.

And if I may make one more plea for next season: For the love of GOD someone had better hire Jon Gruden. The Monday Night Franchise will wither and die if Gruden's stream of consciousness is allowed to freely escape into our homes once a week for 4 hours. It's too much. And if he doesn't take a coaching job because he finds that his ego is much better soothed sitting in the limelight making the game all about his thoughts and feelings then I implore Mike Tirico to duct tape him to a chair and pistol whip him for a good 2 hours before airtime every Monday, that should take a little pep out of him.

If you have any crazy playoff stories share them in the comments section, we'll be reading.

-Eric Edwards

What late season injury is most likely to affect the playoffs?

2010-12-10T18:15:00.000-05:00

Eric Edwards: Felix Jones, Cowboys. What can I say? Felix hates being the starter. In three years, every time he gets the bulk of the carries he treats the opportunity one of three ways: A) He runs the ball directly into a crowd of defenders and turns his 18 carries into 36 yards. B) He pulls all of his muscles. C) He pulls all of his muscles running directly into a crowd of defenders. I'm starting Tashard Choice.

Peter St. Onge: Steve Johnson, Bills. When Stevie was catching a touchdown a week for five weeks, I was right there, plugging him into my lineup. When the touchdowns slowed but the targets didn't, I hung with him. But when you criticize God in a tweet for a pass you drop in the end zone? That's a good sign the mojo is gone. And so am I.

R. Trentham Roberts: Percy Harvin, Vikings. Even though he's the 20th-ranked receiver in our league, it's the return of Sidney Rice and the schedule for weeks 14-15-16 (Giants-Bears-Eagles) and, oh yeah, the Favre follies, that make him a dicey play.

Trevor Freeze: LeGarrette Blount, Bucs. For the past two weeks, I've been pondering sitting Chris Johnson for Blount, as his matchup (Redskins) is about as tasty as a 250-pound downhill runner gets. Then news broke this week that Blount is in the Tampa doghouse and Earnest Graham might be poaching at the goal line. I'm OK having my eggs poached, but not any playoff TDs. Go over easy on Blount.

Thursday Night Lights: Colts at Titans

2010-12-09T14:30:00.002-05:00

I could have titled this post: Thursday Night Lights: Which Marquee fantasy player will take a bigger dump on your season? Manning or Johnson?

Because for many, many players that's what this matchup comes down to. How will Manning do on the road against a conference rival in pretty much a Must Win situation? Also, if CJ2K doesn't step up in the next few games will we have to change his nickname to CJ1.1K, I think it'd be only fair. For a guy who was pretty much consensus no. 1 overall this year, who did not face serious injury, Cj has face-slapped his owners about as much as a man can without getting dropped, yes, Ray Rice is in the running (no pun intended), but Rice's nickname doesn't imply that he's going to rush for 2,000 yards, CJ's does.

Manning at least has probably delivered post-season slots for most of his owners, short of the Pollians, and somehow manages never to really stink it up fantasy-wise. Sure, he may drop two backbreaking pick 6's on the colts, but to most fantasy owners that's really just a few negative points off a huge pile of positive ones. And there is a huge fantasy bonus for Manning owners who normally have to start combing the wires when the Colts bench all their starters for the holidays. This year they need every hand on deck and even that may not be enough. I was at a draft where Manning was the first player off the board and I loudly exclaimed to the offending owner that, sure, Manning might get him to the playoffs but come December he was going to be in trouble. Turns out I was almost right, he's going to be in trouble in December but only because he can't be sure if he's going to get the Manning that delivers the 20 or the Manning that delivers the 40. Which I guess isn't a horrible problem to have considering I own the Manning that I'm pretty sure will deliver the 7. Eli you Bastard.

In the end, there are lot of people on tonight's roster that are debatable: Pierre Garcon? Kenny Britt? Bo Scaife? Don Brown? Edgerrin's cousin? But there are two guys that, no matter how far below the bar they are performing at the moment, are unbenchable. So don't even think about it.

Other things to consider: Are the Titans D a start if there's a chance that the Manning-Pick-Six-Parade continues? I don't know. There's a guy I need desperately to win this week if I am to have any chance to secure post season play in my keeper league and for a few days there he had started the Titans over the Pats. Now, the Pats just dominated one of the "best" teams in football and the Tennessee has been giving up the points like a busted pinball machine. But the more I thought about it the more I came to think that it was in fact a genius move. If your D played Manning the last two weeks you were looking pretty good. He ended up starting the Pats against the Bears which is a much safer call in my book, but still, if you feel like you need to score a ton of points, Titans may be a gamble worth taking.

Mostly I'm just sitting back and hoping against hope that CJ does to the Indy D what Arian Foster did in week one...pound it into oblivion and then pound it some more. Go CJ.

-Eric Edwards

Tuesday Hangover - Week 13

2010-12-06T23:29:00.006-05:00

Congratulations are in order. For starters we need to congratulate you for making it to the post season. Of course we're assuming you've been following us the whole way and therefore knew not to start Eli Manning or Kyle Orton or Darren Sproles in the crucial final week of the regular season. Not because we told you, just because you could sense from our tone that it wasn't a good idea. So congrats.

If you didn't make the playoffs and you are still here reading then congratulations to us for being much more hilarious then our wives, friends and co-workers give us credit for. We knew the nation longed for more BenJarvus Green-Ellis humor and we didn't shy away. So congrats to us.

But most importantly, congratulations to new Broncos interim head coach Eric Studesville. Not because you get to coach Tim Tebow, but because your name is Studesville and we're pretty sure things have been going your way for a while now. Your future is bright Studesville, pretty much no matter what happens with the whole Broncos thing.

On to the week.

>>>When your team is just good enough to hang around the "maybe" list for the better part of the season it is a foregone conclusion that the end will not be an easy one. Having played my way in and then back out of the playoffs three times over, my fate rested largely in the hands of other owners not living up to the hype. In the final two weeks (This week and next week - we only have a 4 team playoff) I needed three teams to lose at least once, and one team (mine) to win twice. Well, with just the first leg of that highly improbable journey complete I got two of the losses and one of the wins I needed. Now I just need one guy to lose next week and I could miraculously make the postseason. Here's hoping Adrian Peterson plays as well the last 4 weeks of this season as he did last season when he tanked my league-dominating team right into 3rd place. Dirty S.O.B.

>>>But I actually think I would enjoy the entire season more if I worried less about what I was doing and more about who else in the league is getting mauled. This week I was so worried about the games I couldn't control I barely thought of my own team all weekend. It was refreshing.
You know what wasn't refreshing?
Starting Eli Manning.
If you watch the Manning brothers you see similar expressions (mostly scowls), similar tendencies (mostly interceptions) but much different results. And these results demonstrate the wide division between fantasy and reality. In the real world, Eli throws a pick and then hands the ball off for the rest of the day, finally putting up a disgusting 7 fantasy points (depending on format) in a game the Giants nevertheless go on to win.

All the while Peyton is tossing picks like a genie grants a wish every time he turns the ball over, but in the fantasy world they disappear behind a smokescreen of 36 completions, 360 yards and two TDs in a very respectable 31 point-fantasy effort, but the Colts end up losing. So both guys are talking about how they should have played better, but Eli owners are at the bar getting hammered after his 7 point day while Peyton owners don't really give a damn. Fortunately for this guy I made up enough ground with Jamaal Charles, Andre Johnson and the Giants D that I was able to overcome this whelp's pathetic play. But many others were not so lucky. My condolences.

>>>In a rare turn of events, week 13 started to resemble 2009 a little. Tom Brady was hoisting up huge numbers with a little help from Reggie Wayne. Aaron Rodgers continued tearing up the airways between he and Greg Jennings. Maurice Jones Drew carried on with his late-season surge. And a "questionable" Adrian Peterson wents bananas on the Bills.

>>>The best part about AP's "questionable" status was the fool's gold it sprinkled in the face of Toby Gerhart owners who saw their one opportunity to cash in on this deadweight (or even better the waiver vultures who thought they had picked up fresh meat). Didn't work out though. In fact anyone who thought they were being clever with Gerhart spent a lot of time Sunday wondering if they could microwave their head.

>>>Can't leave out Sidney Rice who may have just landed Tavaris Jackson a tryout for the job that he was supposed to have two years ago. This has office politics written all over it. I'm guessing Favre texted something inappropriate to Rice's girlfriend, so Rice waits until Favre goes down to start performing circus stunts. Now Rice looks good. Jackson looks OK and Favre looks like a dirty, beat down, old man. ESPN thinks Favre is still going to start, but I gotta believe that new coach can see what's up.

>>>Happy trails to Dez Bryant and Todd Heap. Especially Heap who did owners the discourtesy of breaking his hammy on the first play of the game. Note to NFL players - stretch, jog a little, get loose. We don't want to see you going down to injury. But if you must, please try to do while performing some game-changing, touchdown-scoring theatrics. Definitely not on the first play of the game.

>>>Dear Dwayne Bowe, following up a 45 point outing with a zero point outing is probably the biggest bait-and-switch since Kenny Britt in went from 55 to 0 from week 7 to 8. That's how TVs get busted. That's how dogs get kicked. A buddy of mine posts that his team put up 145 points last week, this week 25 points. Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Suck. Mood swings like that are a one way ticket to the straight jacket.

>>>But the worst was poor lil Darrin Sproles. This cat caught one pass, got nailed, fumbled the ball and didn't come back into the game with a concussion. Know what that looks like on a stat sheet? Anywhere from -2 to -1. You'd have been better off not starting someone. In my keeper league a guy who I really wanted to win started Sproles (-1.5), James Jones (1), and the Jets D (0). There's no way you can see a trainwreck like that coming at you. Astounding.

>>>My theory is that Josh McDaniels was fired for videotaping the Jets for Belichick. Is there any other explanation for the critical beating that New England handed New York? The Pats couldn't have clobbered the Jets more if Belichick had actually been calling the plays for Rex Ryan. I had been holding out hope that a monstrous defensive display would result in a playoff spot for me, but that was not to be.

>>>Hopefully you got a bye week for your playoffs. Unlike the real NFL there is absolutely no disadvantage to a bye week...or so they say. Honestly there is no rationale reason that a bye week hurts in fantasy, but every time I get one I promptly lose the next week. But the real problem is that we don't really play fantasy to win money, the money is nice, but we play because it's awesome and it makes Sundays more fun. So what's the point of a bye if it means you have to sit around while your players face no one? With that in mind maybe the 4-team, two week playoff is a better option. For starters it really limits the chances of a mediocre team (like mine this year) from stumbling into the playoffs, catching a fortunate matchup and beating a proven winner. Don't get me wrong, I like a good underdog story, but there is a difference between an average team catching some breaks and a scrappy team that builds his team into a contender. How can I tell the difference? If it's my team it's scrappy, if it's your team it's lucky. Simple, see. The other bonus about the 4 team playoff is that the regular season lasts an extra week (giving everyone another week of enjoyment) and then the best teams don't have to sit out while everyone else plays. I'd make the change in my own league, but definitely not this year when I'm the boob benefiting from the expanded playoffs.

>>>Good luck with your games. May your teams all play the Panthers and your opponents all play the Ravens...err, Steelers. Whatever.

-Eric Edwards

What late season injury is most likely to affect the playoffs?

2010-12-03T12:53:00.002-05:00

Eric Edwards: Steve Smith, Giants. Smith coming back to the Giants offense in two weeks will give Eli Manning an option to stretch the field that he hasn't had since Smith went down with a pectoral injury. By the time Smith is back Hakeem Nicks also will have returned from his injury and the faltering Giants will have a rejuvenated offense.

R. Trentham Roberts: The Colts. I'll take the Colts for 20, Alex. Indy still has division games against Tennessee (twice) and Jacksonville, plus Dallas and Oakland. The Colts need Addai, Hart, Collie, Freeney, Brackett et al at full speed, because it's starting to become a question of not where they'll land in the playoffs, but whether they'll make the playoffs at all.

Peter St. Onge: Andre Johnson, Texans. Johnson's aggravated ankle sprain threatens to hurt not only Johnson's fantasy owners, but Arian Foster owners and those who've been stuck with Matt Schaub all year. While the Texans seemed just fine after Johnson went down Thursday night, the Eagles weren't exactly game-planning for an Andre-less offense. If he's not playing next week - or doesn't show the same explosiveness, the Texans' fantasy stars could sputter.

Reid Creager: Adrian Peterson, Vikings. Peterson's sprained ankle has to have his owners squirming, especially because the Vikings don't have much to play for in December. How quickly he comes back – and how he's used when he does – figures to be an organizational decision, given his long-term importance. It may be wise not to expect elite RB numbers from him the rest of the season.

The Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis

2010-12-02T15:56:00.003-05:00

With thanks to Sean Forde who encouraged me to get into directing when he said: "You're on the wrong side of the camera. Move."

Thursday Night Lights: Texans at Eagles

2010-11-30T22:37:00.003-05:00

The Eagles have landed, with a thud. But they're about to take off.

Don't ask me how they allowed four touchdowns (and no interceptions!) to Jay Cutler on Sunday. Chalk it up to a bad day in November, which means nothing come January -- unless that bad day costs you a playoff berth. But expect the Eagles to get well on Thursday in what figures to finally be a potentially high-scoring NFL Network game.

Let's start with what is probably as big of a mirage as Jay Cutler throwing four TDs with no picks: The Texans rank eighth in the NFL against the run. Considering that the Houston secondary could be the worst we've seen in the past several years, why would anyone bother running against the Texans?

So you're not only starting LeSean McCoy on Thursday, you're doing it with gusto. Because once Michael Vick and DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin and Jason Avant and Brent Celek and Tom Selleck finish torching the Houston secondary in a primary way, the running game will open up like Brett Favre at a retirement press conference.

...Which is where things get interesting (not Favre; he became boring long ago). The Eagles' firepower and the Texans' defensive ineptitude could set up well for an offensive showdown, given the holes Philly showed defending the pass on Sunday and Houston's potent offense. So Arian Foster (remember, the guy I told you late in the preseason that you HAD to have) is a must-start, as always.

Still, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson might not be the locks they would seem to be in this scenario. The Eagles often do a good job of doubling up on premier WRs, and Sunday's fight with Tennesee's Cortland Finnegan shows Johnson can be rattled. Plus, this defense definitely has the speed to stay with anyone. If Philly shuts down Johnson -- and never forget that stud WRs are much more unpredictable than stud RBs -- both the QB's and WR's numbers could reflect it. Besides, the Philly secondary has something to prove after what Cutler did to them.

I'm looking for the Eagles to take a pretty big lead at home, with the Texans' firepower showing up a little too late for real-life purposes. Sure, if Houston is forced to throw a lot late in the game, Schaub and Johnson might put up good numbers with a big boost from garbage time. But in that case, it's just as likely that Kevin Walter and/or Jacoby Jones have one of their infrequent productive games at the expense of Johnson. And Schaub has had an erratic year anyway, so nothing is sure with him.

If you've got Eagles skills players on your team and you need a win this week to make the fantasy playoffs, this game is more important than any that will be played on Sunday. You're probably not going to be disappointed.

--Reid Creager

Tuesday Hangover - Week 12

2010-11-30T10:26:00.003-05:00

There, there. Just a few more pieces to go and I should have all of Peyton Hillis' bicep removed from my upper colon. Like many Panthers fans, I've had to go in for a Hillis-ectomy to get rid of lingering chunks of huge-dude-who-violated-my-team this weekend. It's not a pleasant process, but no more painful then the actual violation.
Sure the Panthers were within a field goal of winning that game, but only because Cleveland management policies demand that if they find something that is working they must drop it before it seals away a victory. Seriously, if they hadn't let Jake do anything but hand Hillis the ball every possession for 4 quarters is there any doubt in your mind that Hillis would have personally scored 200 fantasy points and about 100 actual points. I'm assuming that performance is what "roid rage" looks like in real life.

When I'm sitting on the sidelines watching the playoffs this year I'll have three people to thank for it: Hillis, Cedric Benson in week 9 and DeSean Jackson who managed 2 catches for 26 yards in the Bears Sunday beatdown of the Eagles. Way to go DJax. I've spent this season assembling the finest wide receiver corps in 5 states, unbenchable guys like Santonio Holmes, Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson and this is the thanks I get?

And that is the problem with unbenchable guys. They can stink up the joint and you are kind of stuck starting them. Andre gets his precious feathers ruffled by that weirdo Cortland Finnegan and he misses 7 minutes of a game when Daddy just needed a few more catches. Holmes was fine but when you are playing the Bengals there's an awful lot of garbage time where Sanchez isn't going to be launching the ball downfield. And there's DJax. Owning DJax is like owning a nuclear weapon. The situation has to be just right for you to really pull him out and use him. You'd have thought that being mauled by the Bears would have inspired Andy Reid to call some plays that would get Jax in the game, but I failed to account for the Bears actually having a decent D and keeping Vick pinned down all night. Thanks media for letting me convince myself that Vick couldn't be stopped. Let's put it this way, if you are thinking about benching a good WR who has a tough matchup and replacing him with a RB that doesn't get a ton of carries (BenJarvus Green-Ellis) if that wide receiver is Mike Williams playing the Ravens, you don't even think twice about it, you go with The Firm. But if it's DJax? You are terrified of leaving a 30 point day on your bench, and whammo, you're sunk. Next year I'm getting myself a reliable second RB. Bottom line. Three wide just doesn't work in the format of the 8-player roster. Add in the flex position and 3-wide is fine.

>>Steve Johnson would like to thank the lord for helping him destroy all of the fantasy owners who just two weeks ago said: "Steve Whoson? Am I really going to start a wide receiver for the Bills?"

>>Oh. You say you started Justin Forsett? Sorry. You say you benched Mike Goodson? Ouch. Goodson has been viable every week despite the incredible handicap of being a Panther. It is, in fact, a tremendous testament to how bad the passing Panthers' passing game is. They can be down double digits yet still Goodson is getting his carries. Always remember, three and out is better than pick six. Go with Goodson.

>>The losingest team in my keeper league is a guy who comes as close to being eliminated from contention on week 1 as possible. His teams radiate badness, but he does set his lineup every week and doesn't mail it in. He might be better off if he did, but come playoff time when he's 6 weeks from caring about the results he starts destroying people who are clawing for the wild card slot. This week he used the unlikely double-barrels of Jon Kitna and Wes Welker to beat down Vick and Forte. And he knocked the biggest trash-talker in the league out of the playoffs. As a Romo owner I sure do wish I hadn't judged Kitna on his performance the day he came in for Romo. I should have plucked him early and I'd be sitting on a playoff slot right now. Bad coaching.

>>Dez Bryant, 0 points. Braylon Edwards, 3 points. Anquan Boldin, 3 points. Reggie Wayne, 6 points. Frank Gore - you'll be missed.

>>Jon Gruden was vehement in his assessment that Roger Goodall would "Do the right thing" and not let a 7-9 NFC West champion into the playoffs. Here are some things that I think about that: Americans may not riot when the economy crumbles; We may not revolt when troops are sent to questionable places; We are able, through the sheer power of will, to resist kicking our TVs when those asinine Miller Light commercials come on TV; But no power will be able to subdue a major metropolitan region if an NFL administrator says their division-winning team can't be in the post-season. It would truly be the beginning of the end of this nation. I say we short-circuit the whole rioting and looting process by finding Jon Gruden and sewing his mouth shut with twine, finally making him a suitable fit for the Monday Night Football crew. No one deserves it more.

-Eric Edwards

Fantasy Question of the Week: How tight is your end?

2010-11-26T14:26:00.003-05:00

It’s been a tough year for tight ends, Antonio Gates is far and away the no. 1 guy despite having missed the last 4 weeks. Dallas Clarke and Jermichael Finley who are also injured follow him in points production. Who else do you trust to fill your Tight End position?

Eric Edwards: Marcedes Lewis, Jacksonville. Lewis expects himself to become the next Gates. While that’s probably not going to happen even if he became half of Gates he’d be a franchise leading TE on most teams. He has averaged just over 10 points a week and is currently the 4th best TE in fantasy production behind Gates, Dallas Clark & Jermichal Finley, none of whom are currently playing.

Peter St. Onge: Jacob Tamme, Indianapolis. Patriots took him away last week, but he still got plenty of glances from Peyton Manning. Get him now, if you can find a fickle owner.

R. Trentham Roberts: Jason Witten, Dallas. Only 3 TD’s, but still averaging more than 5 catches a game, and that’ll work in any point-per-catch league. (And despite all the goings-on in Dallas, the passing game has still been humming with Kitna behind center.)

Trevor Freeze: Todd Heap, Baltimore. After riding the Dustin Keller train to its last stop (week 4), I've finally found some consistency in Old Man Heap, who despite the other weapons in Baltimore, is getting plenty of money looks (4 TDs in last 5 games) and has averaged 54 yards per over that span. The clincher was a goal line situation against the Panthers when the Ravens split Boldin, Mason and Housh on one side and Heap on the other. Believe in the Heap.

Thursday Night Lights: Patriots-Lions, Saints-Cowboys, Bengals-Jets

2010-11-23T23:59:00.012-05:00

How can you not like the apropos scheduling on Thanksgiving Day? It starts with a noon-ish game that's a decent fantasy appetizer, followed by what should be the main course in terms of offensive firepower, then tapers off with a boring dessert that's perfect for sleeping when all that turkey kicks in. (If you don't have the NFL Network for that third game, you'll probably be saving some good money and time.)

New England at Detroit: There's a chance this game could be the most explosive of them all on Thursday -- after all, both secondaries rank near the bottom of the NFL -- but the Lions are the Lions and often find a way to disappoint. They don't run the ball well at all (ranking 31st in the 32-team league), and if Calvin Johnson is shut down there isn't a lot of proven offensive weaponry to step up, even against the league's youngest secondary. ... Look for Tom Brady's recent momentum to continue, although it's anyone's guess these days as to who his big target will be from game to game. That kind of offensive versatility is good news for Patriots fans but not such good news for fantasy owners of Patriots players. ... Probably the best bet for the Pats after Brady is RB Benjarvus Green-Ellis against the league's 26th-best run defense. Only the Cardinals, Broncos and Jaguars have allowed more rushing TDs than the Lions' 11.

New Orleans at Dallas: On paper, this has shootout written all over it, and it's probably smart to plan accordingly. That said, strange things happen in the NFL, especially when the teams involved have only three days' rest. ... Both quarterbacks -- Drew Brees and Jon Kitna -- are white-hot with strong WR options in Marques Colston, Miles Austin and the incredibly exciting Dez Bryant. ... Surprisingly, the Saints rank fourth in the NFL on the basis of least yards allowed per game -- but this is deceiving, given that they're in the same division with the Panthers and Buccaneers. Plus, they've shown little pass rush of late; they had no sacks on Sunday against a pitiful Seattle line, which bodes well for the patchwork Dallas offensive line and the lead-footed Kitna. Expect both QBs to have lots of time to throw. ... With forever-banged-up Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush still questionable to contribute much anytime soon, the Saints' backfield is a weekly crappyshoot and something to stay away from in fantasy circles. Dallas RB Felix Jones could be a sleeper, especially if the Cowboys' game plan is extra run-centric in an effort to keep the Saints offense off the field. Regardless, Dallas has some elite offensive talent that has finally been paired with a coach who has some guts and brains. This is a very dangerous team again.

Cincinnati at New York Jets: Marvin Lewis must be grateful for the recent coaching distractions in Dallas and Minnesota, because it's incredible that he has virtually escaped national scrutiny as his team hit a new low: 35 straight second-half points allowed on Sunday in a seventh straight loss. His team, always lacking in discipline, now has no defense as well. Still, it's hard to imagine the Cincy defense being as bad as it was Sunday, so don't be surprised if it rebounds somewhat against a less-than-stellar Jets offense. ... Terrell Owens -- one of the Bengals' few bright spots this season and the only offensive player in this game who's been consistent this year -- is all but sure to be shut down and shut up now that he's taking verbal shots at NYJ shutdown corner Darrelle Revis. The rest of the Jets' defense is still formidable (albeit somewhat disappointing this year), too, so start any Bengals with low expectations. ... The Jets passing game is still so-so; as for the running backs, Shonn Greene's expected breakout has hit a wall (1 touchdown all season) and LaDainian Tomlinson is predictably starting to fade. ... Hey. If you like watching head cases like Owens, Chad Johnson, Rex Ryan and Braylon Edwards vying for camera time on the same field, congratulations. You get a parade early and late on Thursday.

--Reid Creager

Tuesday Hangover - Week 11

2010-11-22T15:30:00.008-05:00

Your mother may disagree, but hangovers are part of a well-lived life. You get drunk, have some laughs, pay for it the next day (or depending on how old you are and how drunk you got - the next week). Either way, the hangover is the paycheck you write to cover your party. This week, for me at least, it was all hangover no party.

I saw this particular train wreck coming all week, there was just no avoiding it. I boldly benched the right guy (Andre Johnson), started the right guy (Santonio Holmes) and even played my best TE and D. But I can't go out there are make my QB NOT fumble the ball, and it seems there is no power strong enough to make Todd Haley stop overusing Thomas Jones. Sometimes it's just out of your hands.

This season I've been pretty good at forecasting my losses. Only once did I really get nailed by a game I didn't see coming. Let's call it CedricBensongate and leave it at that. Which is not to say that I, like many of you, have not suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fantasy fortune nearly every week. And this week it happened so many times that by the time the Giants took the field against Philly I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was going to get kicked in the junk repeatedly.

We could start with the end which is pretty well summed up by Eli Manning handing the ball over to the Eagles like he was football santa. In that capacity his play was nothing short of brilliant. Though the final act of this particular disaster would not have been complete if not for the league's most combustible receiver, DeSean Jackson suddenly becoming rabid with the dropsies. There is something exhausting about watching quality players perform on their lowest setting and consequently taking your team down with them. DeSean should send me a check every time he drops a ball in the end zone, I've got some ideas how he can recoup that money later on.

There were high spots, though not many of them. Like many fantasy owners who drafted Santonio Holmes and dutifully paid his rent under the roster roof while he sat there, a non-contributing family member for the first 4 weeks of the season, then waited patiently as he sputtered through his first three games, it was nice to get the exclamation point put on a three-game streak of good fantasy production. Holmes is going to pay huge dividends for anyone making a late-season bid for the playoffs, and could seal a championship deal for someone who is already a contender. His rapport with Sanchez has matured and you can just see the two guys hooking up for lots of points for the rest of the season, or at least until Holmes' next benchable transgression which is always as close as the next hookah lounge. Will this make the Jets the best team in the NFL? Hard to complain about their D, Sanchize has come around, LDT is pulling a convincing turn as "Aging Superstar Has One More In Him," and if Braylon Edwards and Santonio can keep from clubbing together they might just be able to contend for a title.

>>>Speaking of drunken miscreants - Ben "Where's the men's room?" Roethlisberger has not so quietly put up career numbers the last two weeks. This week he was looking pretty average until he got straight grill-punched by the Raiders' Richard Seymour. Presumably sexual advances are not to blame for this assault, but I wouldn't leave it entirely out either. Regardless, his two-week fantasy output is 1 point shy of Mike Vick's. And we all know that Vick is the Greatest Of All Time, so that makes Roethlisberger a pretty handy guy to have around.

>>>What is it with the QBs these days? Is it the 'roids? Have the DBacks been fined into complacency? Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Mark Sanchez, Matt Hasselbeck! The points are piled up higher than the eviction notices on Brad Chlidress's office door. That's a lot of points my friend. It is often said by the Jon Grudens of this world that "It's a quarterback's league." Kind of hard to argue with that when Hasselbeck and Jon Kitna combine for 66 points - which is almost 73, their combined age.

>>>Dwayne Bowe is now a must-start fantasy WR? Is this an alternate universe? How is it that Todd Haley is turning Dwayne Bowe into a fantasy stud and Jamaal Charles into Marshawn Lynch. Sorry Jamaal, I'll keep starting you but if you crack open four 15-yard runs a game and they all end at the 1 yard line, that means 6 points for you and 24 for Thomas Jones. You should consider smothering him in his sleep with a pillow, he's 32 that's practically a mercy killing.

>>>There are basically two important classes of wide receiver in the NFL, the absolute must-start, top-of-the line model (Andre Johnson, DeSean Jackson, Reggie Wayne, Calvin Johnson, Marques Colston) who are so good that they draw buckets of defenders and basically suck the defensive pressure to one side of the field and somehow still have mostly decent days. But the emerging class is the guys who benefit from this massive suck. I'm talking to you Jeremy Maclin, Nate Burleson, Robert Meachem. We're all sick of you stealing possessions from our highly-drafted gems. DeSean Jackson should get a percentage everytime Maclin touches the ball. Randy Moss would have retired years ago if that were the case.

>>>This does not include Steve Johnson - there is no explanation for him. Lee Evans certainly isn't drawing double coverage.

>>> Other than people to whom Michael Vick owes money, no one has benefited from his rebirth more than LeSean McCoy. Lord knows he was a waste of space last year, running head first into pile after pile of defenders like he was magnetically drawn to them. This season Vick has put McCoy in space and gotten him the ball and LeSean has blossomed. Should he even be called a running back at this point? He should be made to start in the WR position.

>>>I've been avoiding talking about Peyton Hillis because my keyboard has only been allocated so many uses of the letters P-E-Y-T-O-N and some other guy keeps getting all the calls. But he can't be avoided any more. He was, like every Broncos running back in 2009, amazing for exactly two games before getting injured. Must be something about playing at altitude that makes these guys brittle. Well, I'm not sure how playing in Clevelend can be considered good for one's career but Hillis has turned into a beast. I'm sure we're two weeks from hearing stories about him hunting humans and eating their spleens raw - he's just that scary. In a keeper league this guy is pure alchemy. You picked him up late, if not off the waivers, and now he's going to be a brute of a starter for the next 4 years or until that human spleen rumor takes off. Pass it along.

>>>One of the most sublimely painful experiences in gambling is the backdoor cover. Also known as The Moose. This usually happens when a team has no chance of winning the game, the opposing D slacks off a bit and whammo! last minute touchdown turns a gambling win into a loss. Larry Fitzgerald delivered the fantasy version of The Moose this past weekend. The Cards are hopelessly out of contention, yet they manage in the 4th quarter to amass hundreds of yards of offense against the otherwise stout Chiefs D, and then to multiply the insult they pick up a garbage TD pass to Fitzgerald turning his uneventful day into a nearly 20-point fantasy outing. If you happened to be one of the poor bastards riding the Chiefs D while also playing against Fitz you suffered humiliations galore. Believe me, you know it's bad when the announcers start talking about how pissed/ecstatic fantasy owners are going to be over a play. It almost never happens. I'm pretty sure when the color guy drops fantasy knowledge into the conversation it's only because he owns the offending/outstanding player.

>>>They need to have pure fantasy announcers who break down the various scoring aspects of an actual football game. Like when DeSean Jackson drops a TD in the endzone and David Akers fans everywhere cheer because they get the field goal - not a hypothetical situation by-the-way, that seemed to happen 16 times on Sunday night.

>>>Watching a game at the bar when you have nothing but fantasy implications is very confusing for other patrons. It just goes to show you how important people's preconceived notions are. You can't sit there with a Giants hat on and cheer every time Jeremy Maclin makes a play, it just wreaks havoc on people.

>>>After two cruddy weeks is it fair to say that AP has given up? Or is the rest of the offense is so bad that defenses can just stack whatever they want into the box knowing that if Favre throws the ball it will get picked off somehow? Does losing Childress help them at all? Maybe that was Sidney Rice's demand before he returns to the field. Either way, I have to question the intelligence of new boss Leslie Frazier when his first move isn't to bench the old cooter. The season is over, right? Get Tarvaris Jackson some playing time and find out if he has any skills. I mean, if you've already decided he's not going to pan out then why is he on the roster? If he's the future then start him now and find out.

-Eric Edwards

What if you had started the Eagles?

2010-11-20T12:42:00.005-05:00

I wish I could say that I put these numbers together myself, or that I even considered prospect. But I'm just not that clever. They guys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber are, however, quite clever and demonstrated what an all-Eagles fantasy lineup would have looked like last week:

QB: Michael Vick. 333 yards passing, 4 TDs, 80 yards rushing, 2 TDs.
RB: LeSean McCoy. 43 yards rushing, 5 catches for 51 yards, 1 TD.
RB: Jerome Harrison. 109 yards rushing, 1 TD, 1 catch for 15 yards.
WR: DeSean Jackson. 2 catches, 98 yards, 1 TD.
WR Jeremy Maclin. 4 catches, 79 yards, 1 TD.
TE: Brent Celek. 2 catches, 8 yards.
W/R: Jason Avant: 5 catches, 76 yards, 1 TD.
K: David Akers. 8 XPs, 1 FG (48 yards).
D: EAGLES. 2 sacks, 3 INTs, 1 TD.

That's a 180 point game in my keeper league, which would be the season high-score. So even if you account for scoring discrepencies, that's pretty nasty. Naturally since the KSK crew originated this I'll throw up a link to their site. I must, however, offer forwarning that this tidbit is packaged with the weekly KSK Fantasy Football/Sex advice column where the bloggers offer both fantasy football and NC-17 rated relationship advice. Come to think of it, the football is advice is also often NC-17. It's not for everyone but I love the writing and so I highly recommend this blog for those who, like me, are not offended by anything. If you are easily offended, slightly prone to offense, or Peter King, you'd better go ahead and pass on this one.

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2010/11/finding-the-right-drunk-for-you-the-ksk-sexfantasy-football-mailbag.html

-Eric Edwards

Fantasy Football Conversations: The Braylon Effect

2010-11-19T19:26:00.002-05:00

A video for your enjoyment.

Who’s the most frustrating, previously unbenchable WR this season not named Randy Moss?

2010-11-19T14:16:00.001-05:00

Eric Edwards: Wes Welker, Patriots. On average he was the 12th WR taken in the draft, between Marques Colsten and Anquan Boldin, but his performance makes him the 35th best WR in fantasy ball this year. Hard to draft a bench player with your 3rd pick.

Peter St. Onge: Brandon Marshall, Dolphins. He has all the classic Disappointing WR attributes - instability at QB, targets dwindling, tantrumsthrown.And yet, do you bench him? Now that he’s pulled a hammy, definitely.

R. Trentham Roberts: Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals. HALF as many touchdowns as Hakeem Nicks or Dwayne Bowe. Many people spent a first-round pick on him -- they, like the Cardinals, will be looking for the next Kurt Warner for a while. A long while.

Reid Creager: Marques Colston, Saints. Look at these fantasy point totals (standard scoring) for thebestWR on one of the best offenses in the NFL: 6, 6, 2, 3, 9, 5 in Weeks 1-6. Colston had a slight re-emergence the next couple weeks (17, 13) but then regressed to 6 in Week 9 despite his team scoring 34 points in a rout of the Panthers. Plus,he’s got only two touchdown catches after having nine last year. The Saints simply have too much WR depth -- and coach Sean Payton is too inconsistent with his game planning -- for any receiver on this team to be an elite fantasy player.

Thursday Night Lights: Bears-Dolphins

2010-11-17T10:21:00.003-05:00

For fantasy purposes, this has every indication of being one of those Why-in-the-Name-of-Stupidity-Are-You-Slowing-Down-on-I-77-to-Watch-Two-Motorists-Standing-Next-to-a-Stalled-Car-on-the-Side-of-the-Road-and-Why-Don't-the-Cops-Issue-Tickets-for-This-Kind-of-Driving-Because-it-Leads-to-Major-Traffic-Stoppages-and-Accidents kinds of games.

In other words: Nothing to see here, folks. Keep your freaking foot off the brake and proceed to Sunday's games.

Oh, there may be a small curiosity as to how Tyler Thigpen does in his emergency start as the Miami QB, but only if you don't have much else going on Thursday night and you want to max out on your NFL Network value. I guess there's a chance he could surprise because there's little/no recent film on him (due to the fact that he hasn't mattered since Stuart Scott did), but the Bears secondary has 14 picks this year. Only the Eagles have more. So the yards don't figure to come easily.

Maybe this is finally the Miami QB who enables Brandon Marshall to discard his pacifier, if only for a game. It seems unlikely because the two have had little chance to get any kind of timing down, but stranger things have happened -- and often do -- in the NFL.

Thigpen figures to be throwing a lot on Thursday, given that the Dolphins could have trouble against the league's No. 2 rushing defense (consider benching Ronnie Brown). But it's anyone's guess as to which potential Miami target does the most damage due to the unfamiliarity factor.

On the Bears side, I guess Jay Cutler is an interesting speculative start against a Dolphins secondary that has only six picks this year; then again, Cutler has a way of turning any defensive back into a receiver. Plus, Miami has 23 sacks, a solid total, and the Bears' offensive line is so porous that this number could grow quickly Thursday night. Bears' running game? Hit and miss, mostly Miss (as in a title for a lady).

A head start on your NFL viewing weekend is a beautiful thing, eh? So just watch this one the old-fashioned way. It's tough for fantasy players to start anyone in this game with any degree of confidence, given recent performances (or lack thereof) that contribute to more uncertainty than germs on a handrail. I recommend you wash your hands of this one.

--Reid Creager

What's so great about your league?

2010-11-16T23:21:00.002-05:00

Some fantasy leagues rock. Some are worse then a jail sentence.
What the hell? Why?

In the three leagues I particiapte in I have found that format makes a difference, the league settings contribute, the entry fee plays a small role and the biggest key is the right mix of people. You might think that close friends or family would make for a great league, but the two most important elements I've found are the competitiveness of the players and their general proximity to one another.

League A - Friends and friends of friends. No two people that I am aware of are in the same time zone. The owners are competitive, draft online, talk a little trash and mostly pay attention to their teams during the season. But there's very little chatter and all in all this league is the least exciting. Sure it's also the league I'm getting whipped in. But I almost won it last year and it still never really put a wire in my veins.

League B - Friends and Family, a few people geographically close, but still an online draft. Mostly competitive players, a little more trash talk and even though I am borderline on the playoffs it remains fun. Lots of movement, a few trades. If I weren't the commish of this league I would like it more. As it is the season is fun, the getting people to pay up is almost annoying enough to make me give it up.

League C - Some friends, but mostly folks I know only through my involvement in the league. Even though I'm not childhood friends with this crew, we do get together for a live draft (a couple of folks from out of state call in) and I've never been around more competitive, trash talking SOBs then this group - and therefore it is the league I put the most energy into and get the most enjoyment from. We don't all go way back so in some cases the fantasy rivalry is the defining characteristic of the relationship, which makes those games important. That this is a keeper league is no small matter, I feel a greater sense of ownership of the team because I have a generational investment in it. Even though I can only keep two players (the methodology is slightly complex, but you basically can't keep guys who are drafted in the first four rounds the year before - so the top talent in the league is always available on draft day with some exceptions) I can dictate the type of team I want to have. The scoring is important too, lots of incremental bonuses for players boost the scores so 130 point game, while not standard, is far from unheard of. The current high score is 176 - that guy will get a bonus at the end of the year if maintains it. Aside from being a keeper league the format is divisional and only 4 teams make the playoffs, three winners and a wildcard. The difficulty to get into the postseason makes every game a must win, there's no slogging it out and coasting in to that 6th slot. But this also tends to take the teams with the worst records out of the hunt by midseason. So to keep people excited and more importantly to keep people from dumping players - the last game of the regular season has an added bonus: The person with the most points that week - bench included - gets the proceeds from the transaction pot. This can be considerable and will more than pay for the league dues. Even though the bench score won't affect your weekly matchup, it adds some incentive to keep your team strong enough to compete all year.

What I want to know is what makes your league good? What crazy formats have you used or heard of that throw some spice into the season. Leagues evolve so I'm always on the lookout for better ideas to make any league I am in better. Share your stories.

-Eric Edwards

Tuesday Hangover - Week 10

2010-11-16T23:07:00.001-05:00

Note to terrorists: If you want to know how to inspire fear and rage in the hearts of middle America, do what CBS Sports.com did this Sunday - separate fantasy owners from their live scoring updates. Really doesn't need to be that long, 10 minutes, an hour at the most and a majority of us will already have started lighting our homes on fire out of frustration.

Yes, in a weekend filled with fantasy and actual football madness -- including but not limited to a Cadillac Williams touchdown (is there anyone who can't score on the Panthers?); 12 minutes of suspended play in the New Meadowlands due to either complete and total darkness or Jon Kitna; or David Garrard pulling some old-school Doug Flutie mayhem out of his yonder -- the most notable event for millions of CBS Sports users will be the hour they had to add up yards in their heads while they watch football without really knowing if they should be caring.

I'll go ahead and admit it, I'm no pansy, love-of-the-game purist. I love football, sure. But I love it a whole lot more when I've got something on the line. And short of moving to Vegas, sleeping on my buddy's couch and sweating the tiniest shifts in the Bills moneyline, fantasy is the cheapest, most comprehensive way for me to care a little about a lot of football. F'rinstance, I'm a 49ers fan (yes, condolences, I know) but they are tragic so I spend most of my time watching the Chiefs hoping that guy standing in the backfield is wearing a no. 25 and isn't Thomas Jones. Fantasy is pretty embedded in my Sunday routine. I get up early, play with the kids, try to make everyone exhausted so they go to sleep right about the time the early games starts. Then I'll sit in The Man Chair with my laptop and something fried and I bounce around DirecTV for as long as the kids will let me. When I'm not bouncing my eyes are glued to the gametracker that updates me instantly on every painful point that my opponent's kicker is amassing while my guy is busy missing extra points (True story, I started Shayne Graham and almost cried when he shanked that PAT - who misses a PAT? It's negative points for my team, it should be at least a pay cut for him).

Take that away and I'm an angry, helpless, blind man. If I can't tell whether I'm winning or losing, then who gives a crap about who's ACTUALLY winning or losing? This game is not about them - it's about me. It's about my brilliance, my decision-making and how bad my opponent must be made to feel when I dominate him. Or, conversely how he has somehow cheated me out of a hard earned victory (I'm talking to you Hicks). So for approximately 1 hour on Sunday I was like a rat trying in vain to get a treat out my laptop. I refreshed, I rebooted, I logged off and back on, I actually started looking for a phone number in the fine print like there's a CBSSports.com fantasy help hotline staffed every weekend for my sense of well-being. After what was perhaps the longest hour of my life the updates came back and my blood pressure settled down to its regular 160/120. An hour later I was barely thinking about lighting a torch and marching on CBS HQ. But it'd better not happen again.

On to the week:

>>>QBs, QBs, and more QBs. You say your QB didn't have a 300 yard game with 16 TDs? You may be an idiot. You are definitely unique among fantasy owners. But I shouldn't make fun, my cousin who is in 2nd place in my league and knows what he's doing (generally) started Chad Pennington upon hearing about Chad Henne's benching. That's some bad mojo right there. What if I told you that 13 QBs would post 300 yard games this weekend (NFL record) and Peyton Manning wouldn't be one of them? Would you lose control of your bowels? I think I just did.

>>>Speaking of bowel relief, how many owners were sitting on handsome leads when Michael Vick's 57 point day came knocking? Admit it, no one saw a 57 point game coming. But let's face it, Cassel's 54 point day in a loss was actually more surprising and in most cases benched.

*Bonus hilarity - In my big league the following QBs were on the bench this week: Matt Cassel, Tom Brady, Matt Ryan, Jon Kitna, Matt Schaub. To be fair, the guy who benched Schaub started Orton and won. The guy who benched Brady had a good day out of Shaun Hill and won. The Matt Ryan bench looked bad right up until Garrard's angel pass, then Garrard started to look like an OK start. But let's face it, you don't want to wait until the last second of regulation to get affirmation that you made the right call. The guy who left Cassel's 469 yards 4 TD game on the bench? Let's just say 24 of those points would have come in handy.

>>>And where balls are being thrown, balls are being caught. Favre knows a thing or two about that.

But seriously folks - Did anyone in America either start or play against any of the following stat giants: Seattle Mike Williams, Dwayne Bowe, Jacksonville's Mike Thomas! No, of course you didn't. To be fair Mike Thomas should have been credited with a 1 yard reception and whichever jackwad Texan defender that handed him the ball should get credit for the passing TD. How bad does that guy feel right now? The funny thing is that Jag's hail Mary that bounced off the hands of the Texan's DBack and into the waiting arms of Mike Thomas happened right before the CBS servers went down. My theory is that whoever was updating that game had his life savings on the Texans, saw the play, had a stroke, spilled his coffee on the only hard drive at CBS that matters and it was 45 minutes before the swing shift came in and found him. Don't worry, he's now resting comfortably in the free clinic.

>>>If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: If you start Fred Jackson every week eventually you're going to be sitting on a fantasy gold mine. My words are golden. I've said the same about Felix Jones but I actually DID start Jackson and I didn't start Jones. Felix and I have had a turbulent season. I drafted him everywhere, then dropped him in my big league where he got picked up from waivers and benched, then earlier last week he became a tagline in a trade that netted me Eli Manning, Jones and Patrick Crayton for Vince Young, Mercades Lewis and Seattle Mike Williams. Feeling prettty, prettty, good about that one right about now.

There is a feeling you get sometimes that a bench player has just made himself viable. It's harder to "feel" with wide receivers until you see them put together a string of successes, but when you see a RB have a breakout week, especially when you've been waiting for it, double especially when he just got a new coach, it may be time to promote him to a starter. I think Felix has finally arrived. I'll miss him when he breaks his leg next weekend.

>>>The best storyline for me coming into Monday night was needing DeSean Jackson to add about 6 points to get me over the top - no problem right? Well, before the first snap I admit to being nervous, he's a hot or cold guy (mostly hot, sure but he's laid an egg or two). On top of that there seems to be a cosmic pattern that makes me sweat out these tiny point differentials one increment at a time over 4 quarters so that I'll never have resolution until the last minutes of the game. Yeah, not last night. I hadn't even gotten geared up to worry myself to death when he put the nail in my opponent's coffin. But then after that 88 yard TD, not a peep. Did he take the rest of the shift off? Do they do that in the NFL? "I'm down for 88 and a TD, I got you 88 and a TD and now I'm going home." It's the only explanation. Wait, nevermind, he just got a 10-yarder 3 hours after the game ended. Extended lunch break? Damn players union.

>>>Jerome Harrison. Speaking of guys you haven't heard from this season who went for 100 and a TD. It's a one week thing, the Eagles janitor scored on the redskins. Don't pick him up. Don't do it. But I'm definitely going to try.

>>>One thing I'm noticing here is that good quarterback play in general is devestating to defensive score. Probably it's a time of possession issue, but defenses got massacred this weekend. I've got the Chiefs (-2), the Giants (5), Cardinals (7), Steelers (3), Ravens (8), and my favorite Redskins (-6). And this is in a league that starts D's with 22 points.

-Eric Edwards

Vick making folks forget about the dogs

2010-11-16T07:33:00.001-05:00

He'll never play again.

That pretty much summed up the national sentiment on July 17, 2007, when Michael Vick was indicted by a federal jury in connection with a dog fighting operation.

Oh, sure, a few folks said that we as a nation are quick to forgive the downtrodden, so long as they show remorse. But most network experts and the unofficial straw poll taken around the office and in the break room that week thought he was done.

Apologies for going with the obvious, but on MNF, someone let the dogs out.

Yes, a little over three years later and Vick set a record for most fantasy points ever by a QB in the modern era, throwing for 333 yards and 4 TD and rushing for 80 yards and 2 more scores as the Eagles rolled the Redskins, 59-28. Peyton Manning's 6-TD, 314-yard performance on Sept. 28, 2003 was right up there, but not like this.

You have to go back to when your grandpa possibly played some prehistoric version of leather-helmet fantasy ball, when Y.A. Tittle threw for 7 TD and 505 yards in 1962, which would have netted 62 fantasy points in our current Yahoo setup. BTW, Y.A. stands for Yelberton Abraham. Uh, yeah, I'd be going by Y.A. too.

Vick's 57-point masterpiece would have single-handedly won three games in our league this year and tied a fourth.

Instantly, all Eagles WR have become fantasy relevant, even the underowned Jason Avant. Vick is elevated to must-start status, if he wasn't there now and looks to give Peyton Hillis and Brandon Lloyd a run for Pickup of the Year honors, if he didn't seal it already.

The irony is it happened against former Eagle QB Donovan McNabb, on a night when the Redskins just shelled out a guaranteed $40 million apology, er, contract. Not great timing, Shanahan.

If for some reason, Vick was unowned in your league, 1). grab him now and 2). do you have any openings?

-- Trevor Freeze

Is there a team this season that makes you nervous starting otherwise top flight players players?

2010-11-12T13:02:00.001-05:00

Eric Edwards: New England. The Pats had a hey day for the last few years with a few true, very dangerous offensive weapons in Randy Moss, Wes Welker and Tom Brady. Post Moss they seem to be going back to offense by committee, spreading the ball around like it’s a game of hide and seek. Welker has all but disappeared and his production has been replaced by Dieon Branch, Brandon Tate and Danny Woodhead. Outside of Brady I don’t trust any of them.

R. Trentham Roberts: New Orleans. Ivory? Betts? Jones? Really? And that’s just the running backs. As for receivers, Marques Colston checks in at No. 14 in our league, and then it’s Lance Moore at No. 25. (Ahead of such names as Braylon Edwards, Ochocinco and Wes Welker, by the way.) And whatever happened to Devery Henderson?

Trevor Freeze: Miami. What's that I hear in the distance. Be real quiet and you can hear the Eagles classic getting louder around South Beach. Seems "Desperado" fever has completely set in, as Miami has lost its senses, yanking one hanging Chad (Henne) with another (Pennington), with the playoffs still in reach. As a Brandon Marshall owner, I hope I'm completely wrong, but I don't see a lot of hope in this QB change, and that means more disappointment for Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams loyalists.

Reid Creager: Dallas. That so-called stud running back named Felix is just another Jones, thanks to a disappointing offensive line and his usual brittleness. Austin is miles behind last year’s pace, largely because of the ancient injury fill-in at QB who can’t/won’t get him the ball. I’m trying to come up with a third lousy name pun for this space, but I give up – though not quite in the spectacular way the Cowboys have.

Why I decided to trade Vince Young

2010-11-11T15:47:00.003-05:00

The simple act of writing this will probably be enough to make Vince Young the most prolific fantasy-point producing QB in history. But I've decided he can't be my QB.
After losing first Tony Romo (clavicle) then Matt Stafford (shoulder, which is only slightly different from the clavicle, medically speaking), I picked up Vince Young on the news that he was prepping a new receiver. This new receiver, Randy Moss (maybe you've heard of him) could only get more press coverage if he were among Brett Favre's body parts. This is generally not a desirable position to be in as an owner. When top performers get air time, it's usually in some commercial capacity. When Moss gets airtime it's not to sell sneakers, it's to talk about his feelings. He has lots of feelings and only 2% of those are productive from a football standpoint.
And then we have Vince Young and the Titans, who as an organization are coming as close to QB by committee as any team that actually pretends to have a starter (excusing Arizona and Carolina).
On the positive side of the ledger, not all of Moss's contagious qualities are detrimental, he may not inspire his teammates, but he does inspire double teams which works out really well for anyone in the slot and the QB throwing at him. Then you figure in defenses that have to strengthen the line to keep Chris Johnson honest and you start running into some mathematical certainties that work in favor of the middle of the field being wide freaking open.
So who wouldn't keep Young when faced with the prospects of two wide open receivers every single play?
Well, it might be a small association, but some people don't entirely trust Vince's ability to accurately place the ball on downfield strikes. And Jeff Fisher may or may not be the founding member of this group's Facebook page. Which means when Vince has managed to miss Moss in the endzone 2 or 3 times a quarter, Moss's queries about the viability of the QB may not fall on the deafest of ears. If anything, even the most casual observer has to agree that Fisher has a tremendous proclivity for keeping Kerry Collins' hand in the game. And Kerry Collins does have a history with Moss in Oakland. Now, I have no idea what that history is, but unless it included Collins giving Moss wedgies in the locker room, I'm guessing Moss might be prone to building a case for Collins if he finds Young unsuitable.
This is all, of course, the wildest of speculation, but I've had two outstanding QBs go down to oddball shoulder injuries so I'm not taking anything off the table of the possible.
No, I'm going to try to find a reasonable, mild-mannered QB who quietly puts up slightly above average numbers. I could miss out on the greatest haul ever, but I'm willing to trade that glory for a nice, reliable QB who brings me home my 25 per week.

-Eric Edwards

Thursday Night Lights: Ravens at Falcons

2010-11-10T00:56:00.002-05:00

The first NFL Network Thursday nighter of the season is a good matchup, though not necessarily an offensive showcase.

Neither team is overly exciting offensively, although Atlanta's Michael Turner and Baltimore's Ray Rice are a threat to bust one any time. Both are must-starts, even though Baltimore is again strong against the run (104.8 yards rushing allowed per game, 13th in the NFL) and Atlanta is among the very best (95.9 yards rushing allowed per game, sixth in the NFL, with only three rushing touchdowns allowed all season).

Those stats may be a partial indicator of what to look for, but all bets are out the window when two teams have only three days' rest. It's impossible to know how they'll react with such little preparation time, and bumps and bruises still fresh from Sunday....

Which is especially meaningful in the case of Falcons stud WR Roddy White, who left Sunday's game twice with a bum knee. He's saying he'll start Thursday, but owners should check just before gametime to make sure. His situation puts his owners in a bind, because he's too good not to start; on the other hand, one bad cut or hard tackle and he could be watching from the sidelines.

The most vulnerable defensive component in this game is the young Falcons secondary, which has taken its lumps this season -- an average of 7.9 yards allowed per passing play; only the Cowboys, Texans and Jaguars are worse. There's your stat of the night. It could be a good night for Joe Flacco, Anquan Boldin and other targets -- and if that passing game gets going, it makes the Atlanta defense less able to key on Rice.

Again: It's hard enough to predict the result of an NFL game, and the Thursday night factor makes it even harder. But I've got a feeling the Falcons' defense will be on the field a lot Thursday, and it'll be hard for Atlanta to run clock against the Ravens' defensive line. The best chance for big fantasy points lies with the Ravens' skill players.

--Reid Creager

Tuesday Hangover - Week 9

2010-11-08T23:08:00.007-05:00

By week 9 we can finally sit back and say a few things for sure. Things we may not have wanted to admit, but things that, alas are true.

Thing 1: Arian Foster is the most valuable running back on any team this year. He may or may not be the best running back in the NFL, but no one overpaid for his production. I'd be willing to bet my kids' college funds (that I am frequently willing to do this should not detract from the gravitas of the following) that 75% of teams with Arian Foster are in 1st or 2n place in their leagues. I might be willing to bet the actual kids that no one who drafted Arian Foster misses the playoffs unless that person is mostly brain dead or an ESPN analyst. Roasted!

Thing 2: Is this T.O. guy making waves or what? Judging by the look on Ochocinco's face all night I think the novelty of the situation he helped create has faded. He thought he was getting a tired old man cut from the same windbaggy cloth as Ocho himself. What Ocho forgot was that T.O. didn't dance his way into 150 career TDs (behind only Jerry Rice and Randy Moss). He got them because he's a stud who is making Ocho look like a sideshow these days.

Thing 3: When things fall apart in the Big D they fall apart fast. If I've said it once I've said it 100 times - Romo is the heart and soul of that team. It always seemed like there was a chance to keep the game close or even mount a comeback with Romo in the game. The team just feels different, much worse, without him. Put it this way, the Cowboys had only 1 win when the Giants knocked Romo out of the game, but they were winning that game and there was a sense that nothing was finished. The second he went down there was no doubt their season was over. Just ask Miles Austin who produced exactly 16 yards of offense on Sunday. Which raises the question: When Romo comes back how will the offense respond? The pressure to make the post season will be gone, a new coach will be in place and Romo will be (kind of) re auditioning for his job. Holding on to him could pay huge dividends late in the season.

>>Last week Bill Simmons unveiled his NFL power rankings and his readership was stunned to find out that The Sports Guy managed to talk himself into making the Patriots his top team. Naturally that meant they were going to get drilled by the Browns. When I read that post last Thursday I thought: "I sure wish I had Peyton Hillis stashed away somewhere." He's been good all year, but Simmons basically guaranteed him a career day.

>>Disclaimer: I finally figured out why all of my pre draft predictions (Julian Edelman, Felix Jones, Michael Bush) turned into such huge piles of dung, but my teams have nonetheless stayed competitive (with one notable exception). I'm a horrible gambler. So bad that it's like a super power. If I am relying on my instinct to tell me what team will win a game in the future I am on the wrong side close to 80% of the time -- which in itself is a remarkable stat. Well, setting a lineup is a lot like playing poker, there is an awful lot of concrete information that takes most of the "gambling" out of it. But picking potential "blow up" players is a much bigger game of chance. Some of you out there with decent instincts (Reid Creager) will not understand this. But it's true, give me a lot of info and I can make a good choice, leave it to my gut and I'm toast. If you see me making outlandish future predictions, your best bet is to head in the opposite directions. Unfortunately I have been unable to find a way to actually fade myself - but when I do, they're going to have name the Vegas school system after me.

>>Jon Gruden, when discussing Ocho Cinco last night, said Ocho's the type of "football player" who does a lot of great things that just don't show up on tape. We can only assume the same of Gruden, otherwise there is no explaining his tenure on air. If someone doesn't hire him to coach again soon MNF will start losing viewers to Mike & Molly.

>>This season I've owned the awesome shoulders of both Tony Romo and Matt Stafford in the same league. I'm currently in 4th place (top 4 make the playoffs) and I'm trading away keepers galore just to get my hands on Eli. Any chance Eli makes it through the rest of the year without a shoulder injury? I doubt it. Is it possible for me to use Lloyd's of London to insure someone else's shoulder?

>>I have very strong feelings about the Jamaal Charles situation.
http://ffownersmanual.blogspot.com/2010/11/arrowhead-fantasy-league.html

>>Have you ever played a guy who failed to fill three roster spots and thought to yourself: "Well, I've got this one locked up." Then the remaining guys on his bench start putting up points and you realize there's a chance you can lose the game? It's a complete lose-lose situation. If you win, who cares, you played the league flake. If you lose you are an epic tool. So now you are sweating over a game that you get no joy from winning. It's a lot of expended energy with basically no return. That happened to me and it was the best part of my fantasy weekend. The worst part? Watching the last Cedric Benson possession that netted him 2.5 points on a thrice bobbled pass that gave his owner a half-point win over me. I need to find another hobby.

>>Some weeks you have bench blow ups, some weeks you have starters melt down. I'm not sure which is worse. This week was the latter. Pierre Garcon. Miles Austin. Andre Johnson. Patriots D. Ochocinco. Does Justin Forsett count? Regardless the scores were lower across the board in the three leagues I play in and it doesn't seem like folks left tons of points on the bench.

>>Helpful Reminder: Thursday games start this week adding meaning to one more night of the week, but also requiring that you look at your team before Saturday night. Don't get caught with your Falcons and Ravens on the bench. On top of that, trade deadlines are approaching in most leagues so if you've got gaps to fill now is your last chance to try to fill 'em the honest way, by smooth talking another owner into trading away the franchise for your benefit.

-Eric Edwards

Arrowhead Fantasy League

2010-11-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

When coach Todd Haley too over the reins of the Kansas City Chiefs, he brought intensity. He brought Romeo Crennel. He brought Charlie Weis. He brought Matt Cassell and a crew of young men passionate about playing in the NFL. He also brought his personal fantasy football league and invited the coaching staff to join him in a high-stakes game where the winner gets to slap the coach in the face five times over the course of the season. Unless Haley is the winner, then he gets to slap each loser in the face one extra time each day for a whole season. Needless to say, the coaching staff takes this league very seriously.

Last season Haley's team, "The Goatee," won going away, the daily evidence of which is stained red across the cheeks of his subordinates. But when Charlie Weis, owner of "Drumstick Junction," took Jamaal Charles with the first pick of this year's draft, Haley knew he had to do something drastic or he may have to deal with the business end of Weis's sausage-sized fingers. So he turned to his newest recruit - the very old Thomas Jones. Just moments after he took Jones with the last pick of the draft, Coach Haley unveiled the Chiefs' new depth chart -- in which Jamaal Charles would be reduced to water boy, and Thomas Jones would be the feature back for no apparent reason.

In this role, Jones has stacked up pedestrian performance upon pedestrian performance -- none more pedestrian than 19 carries for 32 yards in week 9. Following this disastrous outing, Jones ran into Haley in the locker room, where Haley was busy slapping offensive line coach Bill Muir, owner of the league's 3rd place team "The Biggest Sack."

Interior: An almost empty men's locker room. Shower drips in the background. Fluorescent lights flicker sadly over the sinks. Coach Haley has one hand on Muir's collar and the other cocked back for a bonus swipe. His head turns when he hears the door open. Scene:

TJ: "You got a minute, Coach?"

TH: "Can't you see I'm busy doling out slaps? I'm way behind schedule here. I still have to get to Crennel, Carthon and Weis. Gotta do Weis last because my doc says I have to shower after touching him, you know, to wash off the cholesterol. My abs are my life, Jonesy."

TJ: "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I feel like I let the whole team down today. I think Jamaal is the better runner. I don't think I should get twice as many carries as he does when I only use them to produce half as many yards."

TH: staring angrily at his hands. "Jones, what you can't see is the big picture. Everything is moving according to plan. Don't mess up now by asking to give up touches."

TJ: "But coach! We lost today because I got tired out there. I'm not as young as I used to be. I need to hand over the carries..."

TH: "YOU SHUT UP! Jamaal gets NOTHING! NOTHING, you hear? You are doing perfectly. In order to run a professional organization, the man at the top needs to be able to operate without question. And he needs to be able to slap other men whenever he wants. If that talented punk Charles gets more carries, he'll run for 200 yards every week. He'll score touchdown after touchdown after touchdown! Weis will run away with the league and all will be lost!

TJ: "The League? What are you talking about."

TC: "You don't see it. You stupid simpleton. It's all right in front of your rapidly aging face! You are on my fantasy team and Charles is on Weis'. I've got McFadden and LaDainian too, so I'm having a pretty good year. I'll probably win the league again this year. But not unless you keep clogging up the Chiefs run game. God knows what will happen if we ever let Charles run free. Do you have any idea what it would be like to be slapped by that fat bastard Weis?"

TJ: "Slapped? No. I don't. I'm not sure what you're talking about, Coach."

TC: "Well, I don't know what it's like to be slapped by Weis, either. And with you doing your job, I don't plan on ever finding out. You see, around here Jones, I do the slapping and the yelling and the teeth gnashing and spanking ..."

TJ: "You're freaking me out, Coach."

TC: "Good. That's what successful managers do. If I can keep slapping, and kicking and screaming and freaking people out there's no limit to how far we can go!"

TJ: "Stop licking your lips like that, Coach."

TC: "You're dismissed. And one more thing, Jonesy - we never had this conversation."

TJ: "Whatever, freak."

fin

-Eric Edwards