Thursday, November 1, 2012

NFL Thursday: Moveable object vs. stoppable force

"My backbone's connected to your - headbone..."
Without using any complicated system of mathematical equations that have fancy acronyms - I can say with absolute certainty that last weekend the two worst teams in the NFL were the San Diego Chargers and the Kansas City Chiefs.
And tonight we lucky fans are promised an eyeful of both of them. As a fantasy owner who is invested fairly heavily in Malcom Floyd, Jamaal Charles and Philip Rivers you can imagine my delight as I prepare to enter the week 9 fray with something like 6 points in my favor. But wait, just because I don't own Antonio Gates and Ryan Mathews doesn't mean they've been setting the world on fire either.

Let's look at the recent outputs:

1) Philip Rivers had his best game of the season in week 5, amassing 354 yds and 2TDs against the Saints, because who exactly HASN'T done that against the Saints? Last week when he faced the mighty Browns of Cleveland he managed to go 18/34 for a whopping 154 yards in a game where the only TD was scored by the Brown's Trent Richardson. And that was coming off the bye week for Chrissakes! The week before their bye Rivers put up a monster 1st half only to get roasted in the 2nd half by the Peyton Manning and the Broncos. Sure - Rivers isn't responsible for playing defense against Manning, but he is responsible for throwing 4 picks in the game. sheesh.

2) Antonio Gates is not only no longer Antonio Gates, he's not even Scott Chandler, or Brandon Myers. Two receptions for 14 yards against the Browns. Need I say more?

3) Ryan Mathews  is all promise and no production. His biggest game of the season - wait for it - came against the Saints (do you see a trend?) and even that wasn't an earth-shattering day. Oh, he also missed the first two games of the season. To think, I have a co-owner with whom I almost had to fight to keep this guy off our team. Don't worry, Mathews will be a huge name - if you don't mind waiting until next summer when analysts will resurrect his career the way they do before every fantasy draft.

4) Malcom Floyd isn't so much suffering because he's horrid, he's had a few good games, including a couple of 100-yd outings, unfortunately he's going ice cold in the huge shadow cast by his under performing QB. Not saying the guy couldn't hold on to the ball a little better - he's catching less than 65% of the balls thrown his way - but Rivers is the water on which this team rises and falls. If he turns to dirt, so too do his receivers.

5) And finally Jamaal Charles on whom I depend so much. The man I've staked my fantasy limbs to time and time again. The man who I am pretty sure is going out of his way to piss off offensive coordinators and head coaches alike. Do I have proof? Hardly. But what I do know is that going in to last week against the Raiders, Charles had not only the most yards-per-carry in the league, he had one of the most in the history of all of football. The only way there is to stop him is to shred his ACL, to sit him on the bench or to put him in pass protection. And the Chiefs managed two out of three last week. KC is the worst team in football, this much is obvious. And when you are the worst there is usually a reason. KC's reason is that they are stupid and they don't run the legs out of Charles. Either that or Charles has been caught making out with Romeo Crennel's wife. Those are the only two possible explanations.

There's no reason to go into the rest of the Chiefs, if you are starting any of them you know exactly what your expectations are, and I'm not here to rub salt in your wounds. Enough of that will be done on the field tonight.

Chargers over Chiefs 3-0.


Clifford Franklin said...

Kudos if you came up with the headline on your own. I laffed.

J said...

I've learned my lesson. Rivers is on my bench permanently. Yes, I'm fully aware that Matt Schaub is going to go 14-15 for 150 and 1 TD in the first half (that's a 12-point day in my league), and then he will throw exactly 2 passes in the second half while Foster & Tate go for 100 yards and 2 TDs each, leaving Schaub stuck on 12 points. But that's better than almost every Rivers game this year.

There is almost no point in me even fielding a team any longer, so I'm going to build my starting lineups in such a way as to assist the Panthers. For example, I'm going to start Santana Moss, which means he will catch 2 passes for 8 yards on Sunday. You would think, with Pete Garson not playing again this week, that Moss would get lots of balls thrown his way. But since Moss is on my team, he will not. I'll just have to hope Alfred Morris & Bob Griffin don't rush for 200 yards and 2 TDs each. So they probably will...