Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Tuesday Hangover: It's not easy owning Greene

"See what I did there?"
Playing fantasy football means you're going to have to taste defeat every now and again. Some of these games are going to be nail-biters that you lose when Andre Johnson fails to touch the ball in the 2nd half of the game. Some you will lose because your opponent goes full metal jacket on you with Robert Griffin III running wild, Larry Fitzgerald remembering he's Larry Fitzgerald and the Bronco's D catching more of Philip Rivers' passes than Malcolm Floyd did.

When your opponent just empties his barrels right in your face while you're wondering if Jacob Tamme can get a few PPRs in the garbage time it just feel inevitable, and therefore better.
The second best way to lose is to be in a tight game and you happen to glance down at your bench and see a former struggling starter go all nuclear while you've started William Powell, or some such nonsense. Sure, the whole world had written off Shonn Greene after 4 games of sub-crappy performances. And so to the bench he went - and then right before your very eyes he mounts a 161-yard, 3-TD offensive and there you are with a pile of useful points stacked weightlessly in the corner with a little shrugging look that says, "serves you right."

But that's not the worst way to lose. No, the worst way to lose is when you think that the Bears defense is playing when they are actually on a bye week. It could be any player, but for the sake of this reenactment we'll go with the Bears as our example.

You see, in many leagues, rosters lock and waivers idle once Sunday games start, and the administrative business of running a team must wait until Tuesday, or Wednesday. And in these leagues if an owner, say a guy who goes by the name of Hicks, were to keep his bye-week defense on the roster he'd be in deep trouble if he hadn't planned for a last minute substitution on his bench. Nope, a guy like that who once sat atop the league, might find that he's now lost two in a row, is sub .500 and in very, very real danger of missing the playoffs, much less make a return trip to the Super Bowl. So while we all enjoy competitive contests in which the best team wins, sometimes it's enough to see someone manage his team with all the finesse of Shakes the Clown. Keep it up Hicks, we're all pulling for you.

And this week's winners and losers brought to you by the Philly Eagles

The Eagles D Award
3rd place award: Stevan Ridley. In weeks 4 & 5 Ridley rushed for 266 yards and 3 TDs and he was the exception that proved the rule that you just can't trust Bill Belichick when it came to running backs. In week 6 he was the rule the proved the rule that you can't trust Belichick with running backs. How many poor bastards chose the exact wrong moment to hop on the Ridley Bandwagon just in time for the Bandwagon to smash into the side of a mountain?

2nd place award: Vernon Davis. I hate the Giants. I hate the Giants. I hate the Giants. I'm not sure if this qualified as an Actual Big Game, but it sure was a Theoretical Big Game and the niners just got molested by the Giants pretty much across the board. I'm not really singling VD out, Frank Gore was ho-ho-rrendous, as was Alex Smith and the Defense as a whole blew it. But VD is my own personal game changer and he almost changed my game into a losing one.

The Eagles D Winner: The Eagles D. The descent of this defensive unit's scoring this season looks like the guy who jumped out of the space balloon a few days ago, unbelievably dramatic and record-breakingly fast. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the space jump guy had called Juan Castillo last week asking for tips on the best way to plummet to Earth. There were some bad Ds out there this week, but the only one to get their D-coordinator fired was the Eagles, so congrats.

The Michael Vick Award
3rd place award: Michael Vick. In an incredible turn of events Michael Vick is such a loser he couldn't even win his own award. Yes he scored well in many league formats, and yes he is dynamic, but the turnovers. Oh my God the turnovers.

2nd place award: Ben Roethlisberger. How did Big Ben manage to out-Vick Vick with a tremendous 363-yard performance that somehow looked like he was playing with two chimps tied to his arms? The interception, the way he was harried, the way he just looked like he was in trouble all night to the horrible Titans. For this gut wrenching performance he gets 2nd place.

The Michael Vick Award winner: Matt Stafford. And the clear winner is the guy who can, at this point, be counted on to have close to zero yards and zero fantasy points coming into the 4th quarter and then magically turn that into a 300-yard, 2-TD performance. He is exactly what makes fantasy horrible and wonderful at the same time. He pokes you with interceptions and wayward passes that even Megatron can't reach, then in 15 beautiful minutes he opens up the throttle and whammy! 30-point game.

The LeSean McCoy Award
3rd place award: Ahmad Bradshaw. Against the toughest run defense in the history of time, Bradshaw not only knocked down 116-yards on the ground but also achieved the impossible by rushing for a TD. The first time this year the Niners let one in. Did I mention that I hate the Giants?

2nd place award: A.J. Green. Sometimes you wonder whether the QB is making the receiver great or vice versa. In this case it's pretty clearly versa. Andy Dalton is becoming a must-start fantasy QB because pretty much every week you can rely on AJ to come up with 100 yards and a TD. AJ is the essence of unbenchability.

1st Place award: Aaron Rodgers. Welcome back ARod. That was a first class, grade A whupping you put on the Texans. The best part about it is that we no longer have to hear the pundits tell us the Texans are the best team in the NFL for at least a week. Rodgers went for 6 freaking TDs against a top rated D. Next week he gets the Rams and then follows that up with the Jags. I firmly believe the Packers will win every game in which Rodgers tosses 6 TD. I'll stand behind that.


J said...

Where to begin? I'll just skip the opening monologue and go right to my awards, brought to you by my stellar fantasy team:

The Phillip Rivers Award - 2nd place, Matt Schaub. Just when you think he's becoming one of those elite QBs, Kubiak remembers his team has a running game and takes the ball out of Matt's hands for a 7-point game. But it could be worse...

First place - Phillip Rivers. He's back as my #1 guy, thanks to his team's running game compared to Houston's. But when you turn the ball over 6 times, you turn an all-time performance into a 12-pointer. Thanks loads.

The Jordy Nelson Award - 2nd place, Brian Hartline. Yes, I was fully aware of the penalty for picking up a free agent the week after he goes off. But when the only other legit WR you have is hurt, you take your chances. He was OK last week, and this week he drops a big, fat bagel while some chump named Moore, who's not the Miami QB, catches the TD. Brilliant.

First place - Jordy Nelson. As disgustingly horrid as my team is (that would be worse than usual with Forte and Sproles on bye), I was actually within shouting distance of my opponent, our league's defending champ, going into the Sunday night game. Then he starts Jordy Nelson, who nearly outscores my entire roster by himself. I'm not kidding. By the time Rivers gets done with his stellar work, I have lost 171-61, within a handful of points of the lowest 1-week score in our league's 10-year history.

The "We Used to be Studs Back in the Day" award - 2nd place, Matt Prater. Who needs 50-yard field goals when the opposing QB is giving you the ball in the shadow of his own goal post? Perhaps I should trade for Jay Feely, who is really into 61-yarders but can't kick game-winning 30-yarders. Lord knows I need the bonus points.
First place - Ravens D. If it weren't for bushels of turnovers and the odd pick-6 or two, this unit would be the biggest bust in our league. Once again in a state of desperation, I have put in a waiver claim for the Bengals D. Yes, the D that got torched by freaking Cleveland this week. I'm telling you, really, you have no idea how bad this fantasy team is.

A note on the tribulations of Team Hicks: I was a similar benefactor last week, as my opponent didn't bother to replace Sebastian Janikowski on his bye week. I won by 7. I guess that was either a gift from the fantasy gods, or merely regression to the mean, as even a team as putrid as mine gets a little good fortune now and then.

Things are back to abnormal this week, as Forte, Sproles and Greg Olsen are off their byes, and it's nearly a statistical impossibility for Rivers to be any worse. I can't wait to see how I screw it up, which I'm certain I will.