Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Tuesday Hangover: The day we left it all on the bench

Few things sting worse then coaching your way out of a win.
I remember the last thought I had before Sunday's kickoff was: "I need to swap Vick in for Andy Dalton, Vick always plays the Giants well. I wonder if I should put Stevan Ridley in for Malcolm Floyd, I probably should..." But then I didn't. And for the rest of the day the only sound I could hear was the sound of the Bills begging for mercy as Ridley ran all over them for 106 yards and 2 TDs while Floyd amassed 23 yards receiving. Between Dalton, Ridley, and a nice day from the re-emergent Mike Williams I left 49 points on the bench, and lost my game by 10.
That level of charitable giving should result in serious tax breaks - but neither presidential candidate has addressed writing off horrible fantasy outings. It's an untapped market if you ask me. The candidate that comes out in favor of me getting a full refund for all of my unprofitable fantasy undertakings gets my vote. It's as simple as that. Which raises the bigger question: Are fantasy commissioners job creators or bookies? Probably bookies.

This week's roundup brought to you by your regrets:

GOB Bluth level regret: "I've made a huge mistake"

Anquan Boldin: Just when you think you're out, he sucks you back in. In a Thursday night game that was much closer than anyone imagined Boldin emerged from the shadows of rising star Torrey Smith to produce a 9-reception, 21-point game. Last year Boldin's presence was a boon to Smith, this year the tables are turned and Smith is drawing coverage down field leaving Boldin in favorable one-on-one match ups.

Jason Witten: Guess that spleen is all healed up, huh? In a game overshadowed by enormous miscues by the Cowboys, there were actually some good fantasy performances. Witten's 112 yards and  TD stands out. Witten wins by being the only offensive player not to make enormous mistakes. I mean, Romo threw for 300 yards and a TD, a solid night if you take away his 5 picks and the 55 balls that hit Dez Bryant right in the hands before falling harmlessly to the turf. And in spite of these incredibly costly drops (to both the Cowboys and fantasy owners) Bryant still managed a 100-yard game. If you're a Dez owner (which we've warned you against) I'm not sure which feeling is more overwhelming - the potential he has, or the potential he wastes.

Cam Newton: Cam is blaming himself for Sunday's loss. And I guess we should be too. If he were anywhere near that 60-yard bomb to Roddy White he would have knocked the ball down. He is 9 feet tall after all. But in reality you're only filled with regret because you kept this guy on your bench and he bounced back like something that bounces back like crazy, with his best game of the season. No matter how many Hello Kitty cartoons get associated with your star, you can't sit him.

Jagermeister's inevitable regret: "I'm going to pay for this"

Brian Hartline: How can you possibly regret not starting Brian Hartline? You'd never even heard of him until you noticed his name infecting the waiver wires like some kind of plague. 253 yards and a TD will do that for a guy. And since only 1% of fantasy owners have any interest in watching the Dolphins play, the odds of you witnessing this explosion and reacting quickly are about the same odds of you finding a burlap bag filled with krugerrand's in grandpa's barn and using one of the coins to scratch off a $1 million lottery ticket. But when you score that many fantasy points, you get to be on the regret list whether you ever stood a chance of starting or not. Way to go Brian.

Chris Johnson: Don't hate yourself. It's not your fault. CJ gives you no choice. You know how when your kid has a day where it's one intentional boneheaded screw up after another, and finally you give him an ultimatum: "next thing you screw up you are going to your room!" And what happens? A screw up that's 85% out of his control. You've got to send him to his room on principle, but it hurts both of you as he heads down the hall wailing about the unfairness of it all. That's what CJ was. Eventually he was going to have a good day, but he needed to be sent to his room for a while to get the picture. Now the question is: Is he back or is he being good just to get a chance to screw up everyone again?

Doug Martin: Rookie running backs. What more is there to say? You should never have drafted him and you definitely shouldn't start him until you are forced to do so.

No regrets: "I did it, and I'd do it again!"

Brandon Marshall: Did you have the feeling watching that game that if the Bears focus on keeping Marshall running crossing routes he'll have 1,000 yards by the middle of week  6? He needs to knock it off with the "no show" performances, but there's no reason a guy of his size and ability can't be putting up Calvin Johnson-like numbers, especially considering....

Calvin Johnson: You can never regret starting Megatron. Even on a day when he can't seem to hold on to the ball. It's an actual fantasy crime to not start him. So a couple of days a year you just have to take your medicine as he drops countless 30-yard pick ups and easy-TDs.

Drew Brees: If the Saints keep losing there is a point on the horizon where one of two things will happen - Brees will say to himself, "forget the team, I'm throwing for 6,000 yards this year I don't care if we ever win a game....OR he'll pack it up and keep his body fresh for next season's campaign. He already has almost  1,500 yards through 4 games and there is no indication that the Saints aren't going to be trailing every team by 2 touchdowns for the rest of the year. Why oh why did I ever draft Mark Ingram?


J said...

I have only a few regrets, because this was one of those blissful weeks when you know that no matter how smart or stupid you are, you're going down in flames. My opponent dropped 200 points on me - and that INCLUDES Brandon LaFell's big ol' fat doughnut. Cam, Michael Turner, Roddy White, and a Texans D that scores 2 TDs will do that to you.

My regrets:

"Why the hell did I show up for draft day?" Last year, I managed to eke out a playoff spot despite having the 12th pick in a snake draft, which is the absolute worst position you can possibly be in. I knew going in, #12 pick in tow, that I wasn't likely to repeat the feat. And I'm not going to. Each of the first 3 weeks I had 2-3 guys put up monster games that could carry me to victory (but I only started the right ones in week 2). And each week I ask myself why I even bothered. I could gamble on Westminster dog shows and not lose money this fast.

"Groundhog Day" - when my league debuted in '03, I had the top pick and surprised everyone by taking Marshall Faulk over Ricky Williams. I reasoned Faulk was far less likely to get blazed and forget how to get to the stadium than Ricky. Then Faulk broke his hand in week 2. My #1 WR, Donald Driver, landed on his head catching a pass in week 1 (out 4 weeks). My #2 WR, Jerry Porter, got a hernia week 3. I started 0-5 and never recovered. This year it's happening again, with Nicks and Forte, 2 of only 4 really decent players I have.

"Muhsin the good luck charm" - The day Dennis Green gave his famous "they are who we thought they were!" rant was also the day when I had then-Bears WR Muhsin Muhammad on my roster, vs our Commish, with Bears QB Rex Grossman. I grabbed one of the wife's stuffed animals - a moose given to her by my father, who she named after the WR - as a good luck charm for the game. Rexy ended the night with -2 points, Moose scored a TD and I won the match. The charm worked; I finished runner-up that year and pocketed $300 for the effort. Since that day, the stuffed moose has sat next to me for every NFL game I watch, and he comes to draft day with me. After the Panthers and my fantasy team turned in their latest debacles, I have allowed the moose to retire. Resigned to a likely 1-13 record, I'm inclined to make just enough mindless add/drops to use up my pre-paid transaction fees and do nothing more each week than ensure I have a legal lineup. In other words, I'm becoming the John Fox of fantasy football. But like the Cubs and the old Brooklyn Dodgers, I can always "wait til next year!"