Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Tuesday Hangover: What if you catch the guy who catches the pass?

We know what REALLY went down.

Football! Yeah! The game that America deserves.

Violent? Check.

Big Business that rakes in money and crushes opposition? Check.

Oversight on product has diminished to levels that would appall even Ayn Rand? Check.

I honestly don't know where to begin. My own personal favorite moment of the week was watching my karma finally get right when, after struggling over whether to start or sit Jamaal Charles or Stevan Ridley, I finally made a good choice. The result of that choice: just about the single best one-player performance a guy on my team has had in probably 5 years. And even better, the rest of my team didn't completely collapse around him (except the Lions D I picked up b/c they were matching up with the Titans - gah) and I ended up going 3-1 for the week. This feels like a major success since my teams have followed a very Chargers-like template, start 0-3 then when I'm basically forgotten about I'll string together 5 or 6 wins and make the playoffs in half my leagues, finish in the money in one. It's no way to get ahead in life.

Of course this week the topic isn't so much the playing of football as it is the officiating of football. I should mention here that I hate the Seahawks, so I have a very hard time celebrating any success they have. But in this case I'm willing to get on board since the last minute mangling of that game's outcome was probably the only thing that was going to hasten the return of Ed Hochuli's pipes. You see, if that officiating squad - who destroyed calls on both sides of the ball all game long - had somehow gotten that last one right, at least one of the Mikes, and half of the rest of the radioheads would have been playing the "got the right outcome" card they love so much. Fortunately, in a final, literal, definitive game-altering moment the refs publicly messed themselves. One says TD, the other says turnover, the wrong one wins and we cut to Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson bouncing around like little kids who broke the cookie jar then let their brother take the beating. In this Family Circle analogy a rage-filled Mike McCarthy is the kid wrongly getting whipped. This is this the kind of injustice that makes high school kids go Goth. I guarantee Aaron Rodgers listened to Joy Division on his iPod all the way home.

This week's wrap is brought to you by delicious beer.

Non-Alcoholic Beer
Lions @ Titans - Could things have gotten more jacked up in that game? For 3 quarters one of the best offenses in the league gets tied to a tree and beaten by one of the worst defenses. The Titans, after scoring a grand total of 23 points in two losses, drop 44 on the anemic Lions D. But the best part is Chris Johnson owners who checked in late, saw the score and said "finally" only to be completely devastated when they realized their guy was a total non-factor. Someone in the office told me that CJ was due - but I knew they were wrong and I benched him. I'll start him in week 6 when he's actually due. CJ2K is like a fine wine, you have to let him breathe for 6 or 7 weeks before you can enjoy him - said no one ever.

Jason Witten - Who knew spleens were so integral a component to hand-eye coordination?

Michael Vick - On the upside he didn't throw any interceptions. On the downside he fumbled the ball twice and spent more time sprawled on the ground than a bearskin rug from the 1970s. I'd like to blame the O-line, but Vick holds on to the ball longer than I hold on to the remote control. If any player is going to die on the field this year, it's going to be him.

Rob Gronkowski - Hooking up with a porn star is one thing. Having your social life revolve around them might skew your focus from football. Just sayin'

Light Beer 
DeMarco Murray - Either Murray is a barometer for the Cowboys, or vice versa, either way, what started hot has become much less hot. Maybe even luke warm, bordering on cool. Did you know that the NFC West is currently 3-0 against the "powerhouse" NFC East? Yeah, I know.

Roddy & Julio -  Speaking of the 70s, they sound like the name of a great Vegas lounge act from that era. What they look like is a couple of guys not tearing it up this week. WRs always have reliability issues and sometimes a 10-15 point game is good enough. But the more we talk about the Falcons as one of the best teams int he NFC, the more we want dominating performances.

C.J. Spiller - Welcome back to earth bud.  Might I add, perfect timing for that sprain. Congratulations to my good friend Coach Hicks who kept Spiller's 28 and 34-point performances on the bench then started him the week he busts out with 12 points. Couldn't happen to a more hirsute fellow.

Stout Beer
Jamaal Charles - I believe that nearly 300 yards in total offense and a TD takes the cake for command performance so far this season. The best part is that Charles says after breaking off that 91-yard TD scamper he no longer feels timid about his knee. Seriously, if Stevan Ridley had been playing anyone BUT the Ravens I would have benched Charles. Then I would have lost my game. I would have cried myself to sleep. And I might have been too depressed to come in to work today. I'd probably just have given up on fantasy football altogether. Thank you Jamaal for restoring my faith.

Torrey Smith - When he caught that TD and the flag came fluttering in - there was seriously not one part of my brain that didn't just KNOW it was getting picked up. I mean, it was a TD regardless so it was easy to have confidence, but still. I was poised to substitute Randall Cobb for Smith on the chance Smith's grief over his brother's death was going to keep him from the game. But when it was announced he was playing you kinda knew he was going to get in the end zone. This type of live action movement also illustrates why playing fantasy football from Afghanistan is difficult. A guy in one of my leagues is a contractor over there and naturally he left Torrey on the bench - probably because he wasn't able to react in time, either that or the Taliban has taken over his account. They really could only improve his team.

Andy Dalton - How many Dalton owners flat out dropped him after the Ravens game in week 1? Did those folks miss out on two straight monster games from the Bengals' 2nd year guy? Yes, yes they did. Two 33 point performances later and Dalton is the 8th best fantasy QB ahead of Flacco, Stafford, Romo, Cam, and Rodgers. Discount-double check that, Aaron.


J said...

While we're talking adult beverages, here are mine for the week:

Bicardi 151 - Matt Schaub. How many shots does it take to feel manly? That could be about the booze or the helmet-to-helmet hits he took during the game. Also, choosing between Schaub and Phillip Rivers is like taking 6 straight shots - best buzz on Earth, if you can keep it down.

Jack & Coke - Ravens D. You know how you have your favorite watering hole that serves a fabulous J&C, and you talk it up (weeks 1-2), so your buddy goes out of town on business and he goes to the hotel bar to order one of these things you keep talking up, and you get a drink that's 1 part Jack, 1 part Coke, 4 parts water and 4 parts ice (week 3).

Margarita - Matt Prater at home. A big thank you to the thin air of Denver, and a thank you to the Commish of my league who decided a 10-point bonus for 50-yard field goals was a good idea. One day this year, Prater is going to kick a 64-yarder and the bonus will give me a 1-point win.

Shirley Temple - my entire RB/WR stable in week 3. Nicks out with an injury? Check. Forte out with an injury? Check. Stupid idiot Saints coaches turning Sproles into a 3rd-string RB? Check. Green-Ellis fumbling for the second time in his life? Check.

If it weren't for the late TD, my WR starting group of Santana Moss, Jason Avant and Early Ducett would have produced 4 points. Total among all of them.

PBR/Milwaukee's Best - Rivers. Even with that horrible WR trio and the Law Firm fumble, I still would have won my matchup if I had started Schaub instead of Rivers. This is easily the worst fantasy team ever assembled, and I'd be 3-0 if I had started Schaub in week 1 and 3.

Fool me once, just one of those things. Fool me twice, question my intelligence. Fool me 3 times, I'm a blithering idiot. I have learned my lesson. Rivers gets only 1 more start - Schaub's bye week.

Now, where is the nearest porcalin throne?

ericdedwar said...

Excellent work, J.