Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Tuesday Hangover - No Defense Is Better than the Bengals

Will the real AJ please stand up?
Seriously, I'd have been better off with no defense than with the Bengals. At least then I wouldn't have expected to score any points.

By about the middle of the day on Sunday is when you realize your draft plans held water, they were hit and miss or you were about to get cooked in a stew of fantasy delusions. The more teams you field the more likely you were visited by each of these revelations.

Here's what we definitively know after week one, brought to you by the Beef Council:

The Gristle
 The Bengals D - Watching the Baltimore Ravens physically abuse the Bengals on MNF was what I imagine it must be like to get tied down and watch as your neighbor beats your dog. You're as helpless as they are, and it hurts dammit, it hurts. Now, the patient man will say - "the Ravens are SuperBowl contenders, give the Bengals a chance." And perhaps we should, they do play the Browns next week. So maybe they can transfer their anger at this fresh violation onto their in-state rival. Either that or they should fire their defensive coordinator and relegate themselves to the SEC, they can send Alabama to take their place.

 DeSean Jackson - This is hardly news, but we know he got drafted high so he warrants inclusion. Owning DJax is like owning a lottery ticket, lots of hope, but nine times out of ten when you scratch beneath the surface you end up with a loser. But we'll always have the dream of that 45pt game we can retire on. Did I mention I hate him?

Jordy Nelson - Again, we saw this coming a mile away. Sure, he's a lot more reliable than DJax, but the reality is you never know who is going to get the points in that system. I mean, after Rodgers gets done with his first serving. Jermichael Finley was the beneficiary this week, no telling who will draw the long straw next week.

Darrius Heyward-Bey - They say he's fast. Well, he sure started fast and then got shut down faster. After Carson Palmer caught him blowing an open route most of the passes went to Darren McFadden and some rook named Rod Streater. Bey's personal ineptitude in my opponent's lineup netted me a tie game that I was certain the Bengals' zero-point performance had lost me. Stupid Bengals.

Chris Johnson - I'm not sure who's more upset here: Titans fans? Fantasy owners? The folks who own the mortgage on his grill?

The Bone
 Kevin Ogletree -The first game of the season was good for Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray, but better still for the undrafted Ogletree who just about broke the nation's internet bandwidth when every owner with a connection raced to be the first to put in a waiver request on him.

Stevan Ridley -So I guess they really WILL run the ball a little this year. With 125 yards and a TD Ridley was promoted to fantasy starter faster than plastic surgeons could fix up Tom Brady's scratched up schnoz.

C. J. Spiller - No one thinks to handcuff Fred Jackson. It's simply not done in polite circles. Late in every draft I attended I thought to myself "I'm taking C.J. Spiller with my next pick - he's really fast." And in every draft he was gone before my next pick came up. Oh well.

The Meat
Julio Jones - Turns out he's not too worried about Roddy stealing touches from him. His performance at WR sits behind only breakout free-agent Ogletree. He made A.J. Green forget that it was supposed to be his year.

Aaron Rodgers - The 49ers may or may not be the very best defense in the NFL, but they're certainly in the conversation and a struggling Rodgers still squeezed a 300-yard, 2-TD day out of them. Can you imagine if he got to play the Bengals this year? Sheesh.

Matt Ryan - Many people expected Matt Ryan to have his best year yet. But I don't think anyone foresaw Ryan's complete dismantling of an allegedly decent KC defense in Arrowhead. After one week, four or five teams put up what could be labelled dominant performances and the Falcons might have the weakest schedule of the group.

Andre Johnson - Welcome back Andre. If you can keep the high part of your ankle from getting sprained and you can manage not to punch Cortland Finnegan in his weaselly face, you might just come out on top this year.

2 comments:

TRADE ALL PANTHERS said...

No mention to D-Will and his PATHETIC performance against the worst run D team in the NFL? -3 yards??? UGHHHH, I would trade him for a 5th round kicker.

J said...

Just about every fantasy player leaves the draft convinced he has the best team ever assembled. Not so for me this year. I left the draft convinced I had the worst team ever assembled. My QB (Rivers, Schaub) and defense (Ravens, Broncos) positions are world-class. The rest of my roster sucks out loud.

Expecting to get blasted in week 1 (and every succeeding week, for that matter), I was surprised to still be in a position to win headed into the Charger-Raider game. Garbage-time TDs from Forte and Sproles brought me from death to life. The Ravens D and Packers ST both scored TDs. I love this game!

But I started the wrong QB. Rivers got 16 points, Schaub 24. I lost by 6. I hate this game!

And so the descent into hellfire, brimbstone and schitzophrenia begins.