Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Player Haters' Companion - 2012

Your Annual Guide to Hating NFL Players

It's August. The most magical month of the year. The month that you get your noggin' to thinking about fantasy football because any mistakes you make in your approaching drafts are mistakes that could ruin your Fall. You've looked at the angles. You've giggled at your opponents keepers. You've fallen asleep trying to read Matthew Berry's 100 fantasy football facts - the abridged version.

So who should you draft? Aaron Rodgers? Arian Foster? Calvin Johnson? Sure, who can't tell you that?

But you are a discriminating fantasy football owner with taste, style and a long memory for the disservices done to you by players and coaches. It's high time you took a more reductive approach. What you really need to know to fill out a roster is who NOT to draft.

Does that sound negative? Affirmative. But we're not without hearts here, our list of players to hate includes no rookies, nope, not even the cocky hold-outs, not even Andrew Luck (unless we change our minds about Luck - he seems pretty hate-able from where we're sitting). Likewise second year players are off the hook, anyone can have a rough rookie season and turn it around (you're welcome Mark Ingram). We've even got some boundaries about 3rd years - 'cause if they've been bad for two straight years the odds of them being even remotely draftable are slim. And for guys like Josh Freeman, we'd love to take pot shots but it's not entirely his fault that we all thought he was going to be awesome last year when in fact we were super wrong. Super. Wrong.

Which raises the biggest point of all: There are hundreds of players we could add to this list, Chad-can't-read-a-playbook-ocho-Johnson, Brandon-how-may -I-disappoint-you-this-season-Jacobs to name a couple, but who is really spending any time thinking about those guys? Best case scenario you'll pick them up in the 12th round after 5 shots of Jager have talked you into thinking it's a brilliant idea. Not coincidentally it will be the same voice that will tell you you are totally OK to drive. In both respects that voice is lying to you. We don't know why it hates you, we just know that it definitely hates you.

The point here is to highlight guys that you are going to be staring at in the first six or seven rounds, asking yourself: "Why wouldn't I take Marshawn Lynch here?" And we're here to answer that question before you even have to ask it.

We'll add a player to the list every day until we run out of hatred or someone tells us to stop messing around and get to work...whichever comes first. They will be posted in no particular order.

Today's Player You Hate: Reggie Bush

Reggie Bush!? How can you say that? Reggie exploded in the final weeks last season, averaging more than 20 points per game in his last 4, with more than 100 yards rushing in each of those outings. It's true, he did blow up the final meaningless games the Dolphins played last year, destroying any chance they had of drafting Andrew Luck. 

And while he was busy burying the Dolphins with his success, some lucky owner, after picking him up off the dung pile, probably rode Bush deep into the playoffs. And that guy loves Reggie, and that guy is going to take Reggie WAY to high in the draft in hopes of rekindling the romance they shared last December. But those who drafted Reggie last year remember that he struggled so much in the first seven weeks of the season that by mid-October most owners were fed up and dumped him moments before he exploded to become a highlight reel for his performance rather than is social exploits. 

Don't be fooled again, Bush will continue to put up dicey numbers followed by the occasional burst of brilliance, better off letting him frustrate a softer owner than you. Never mind the fact that Bush is one tweaked hammy away from 2nd year Daniel Thomas getting to strut his stuff, after which split carries will be a best case scenario for Bush.


Anonymous said...

I sure don't need someone to guide me in how to hate someone.

Anonymous said...

This read reminds me of the Player Haters Ball skit on The Chappell Show. Buck Nasty got robbed.

Fromunda_Ch33z3 said...

I like where this column is heading...

Bush will be a bust YET again! Steve Johnson will be coming soon...

The Owners said...

"Buck Nasty, what can I say about your jacket that hasn't already been said about's bombed out and depleted!" - Silky Johnson.

J said...

I appreciate the guidance and will check back each day for the guy to hate. However, I do hate Mark Ingram. Why? Where he went to school. I hate every player that ever set foot in the home locker room of Bryant-Denny stadium. Passionately. Hate. The Real Thing.

Of course, if Julio Jones or Mark Ingram or Trent Richardson are available when I'm looking for a #1 WR or a #2 or 3 RB, I will certainly take them. But I will still hate them.

ericdedwar said...

Of course we fully support your right to hate anyone you wish. This list will be far from comprehensive. There are a lot of other guys we hate too. Feel free to share your hatred in the comments or email us suggestions.