Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Player Haters' Companion - Peyton Manning

It's August and fantasy football is upon us. Any mistakes you make in your upcoming drafts are mistakes that could haunt your season like corned beef haunts your lower GI. You've looked at the angles. You've giggled at your opponents keepers. You've fallen asleep trying to read Matthew Berry's 100 fantasy football facts - the abridged version. Everyone knows Aaron Rodgers is a winner, and until yesterday no one could tell you how Ochocinco would work out, so we're making it easy by picking the players we love to hate and hate to draft.

Player You Hate: Peyton Manning

Every time we see that commercial where he's beating up Eli in the halls of ESPN we think: We love Peyton Manning. Same goes when we see SNL reruns of him whipping a football at some poor Pop-Warner kid. And when he puts on that mustache and talks about his laser-rocket arm. Peyton is awesome. Then it dawns on us: Hey, none of those things have anything to do with actual football. Then it further dawns on us that he's got a freakin' broken neck. Then we think - wait a minute...the only reason we are even thinking about drafting Manning is because we know if we don't take him someone else is going to, and we're going to feel like dopes if he turns into 2009 Peyton. 
To that we say: Going through life worrying about the other boobs in your league is no way to build a fantasy team, son. So far this year Manning is drafted on average in the late 6th round. Ahead of Eli, and Phillip Rivers, and Ben Roethlisberger! But we feel it is of no small import that his neck was - very recently - all broke. Manning could have a fine year, but he is guaranteed to get drafted much to high to be on your team. So make it easier on yourself and forget about those commercials and get to hatin' Manning.


J said...

I'm not buying Peyton for one reason. Look who his coach is. The guy who stopped growing and learning in 1965. The guy who told his OC to "stop throwing the f**king ball." The guy who thinks a punt is a positive play.

Here's what is going to happen in Denver, step by step:

1) Broncos face 3rd and 8. Fox & McCoy call for a draw. Peyton fakes the draw and throws a 20-yard pass to Demarius Thomas.

2) Broncos run twice and it's 3rd and 7. Draw play called again. Peyton audibles and throws a 15-yarder to his tight end.

3) Fox tells McCoy to "stop throwing the f**king ball."

4) McCoy says in Peyton's radio, "Coach said to stop throwing the f**king ball."

5) Peyton continues to audible out of the draw calls and leads the team to a touchdown.

6) The idiot coach cusses the ball boys and chain gang after every audible.

7) After the TD, Peyton trots over to the cussing idiot coach and asks him now many rings he has.

The Bronco descent into hellfire and brimbstone begins.

ericdedwar said...

Sounds quite plausible

Anonymous said...

Peyton's fantasy problem has generally been that he is a beast who can help lead your team to the fantasy playoffs, but in Week 17, with an actual NFL playoff spot secure, Peyton sits on the bench, and costs you a fantasy football title.