Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tuesday Hangover: The week we got iced

Much has been made of Jason Garrett's snafu on Sunday. You know the one. The one where he iced his own kicker in the process of drilling a 49-yard field goal. And then the same kicker missed the same field goal. And then the 5-7 Arizona Cardinals scored in overtime making the divisional split between NFC East and the putrescent NFC West a very respectable 7-9 showing for the West. Not too shabby for a division that sent the 7-9 Seahawks to the playoffs last year.

What does that say about Jason Garrett? I don't know. But I can promise it was about the funniest gaffe that's happened in a season of delightful missteps that featured Norv Turner, Donovan McNabb and the Indianapolis Colts.

So what? So is it high time I said that I was wrong about Tebow? Should I do what everyone else is doing and give credit to the defense while noting that Tebow may be coming around just a teensy bit as a passer? Should I fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness because honestly I might not have guessed that Jesus himself could have turned the Bronco's year around because of his slight stature and general lack of knowledge about the NFL considering He was doing good stuff for folks before even Al Davis (rest his soul) was born (but just barely)?
I'll go ahead and say it. I love watching Tebow play quarterback the way I loved watching Paul The Octopus (rest his soul) miraculously pick World Cup winners one after another on down the line. It's the drama of the impossible. Tebow is pure underdog and everyone enjoys it when an underdog wins. Especially when said underdog has been filleted by the cruel knives of the media his whole professional career. So yeah, all credit to Tebow, he has a way of lifting his team. His spirit is indomitable, even if his own owner and coach are dying a thousand deaths over how to draft another QB without completely losing the fan base. Hilarious.

On to the week
-For almost every league this was the last week of the regular season. Which means that exactly half of you no longer give a rat's tail about fantasy football and are either drinking heavily and cursing names like Josh Freeman, Kevin Kolb, Felix Jones, LeGarrette Blount, Jermichael Finley, Anquan Boldin (there I said it), Reggie Wayne, Andre Johnson and scores of other disappointments that kept the waiver wires churning like an Albuquerque meth lab, or you are making amends to your wife and family for spending three months lost in your laptop trying to figure out how you could let Victor Cruz slip through your fingers.

-Of the remaining half that still cares: 1/3 of you slipped into the playoffs out of sheer luck and late season blasts by Willis McGahee, Chris Johnson and Percy Harvin; 1/3 of you have been solidly in the playoffs for weeks but are about to get drummed since you made your early season living off Fred Jackson, Michael Vick, Matt Forte and Miles Austin; and the remaining 1/3 are all dead to me because you have hung around long enough for your crappy teams to Rumpelstiltskin themselves into fantasy gold. My only satisfaction is that you probably had to offer up a pound of flesh, or a future child in order for this to happen for you. All I know for sure is that everyone in that last class owns Victor Cruz, and I loathe you all.

-Did anyone notice Jon Gruden sucking up to the Chargers on Monday night? His eyes were bigger than may daughter's when we walk by the Disney Store. Pretty please San Diego hire Jon Gruden. Maybe he can make your team good. Maybe no one can make your team good. But as long as he's sitting on a sideline not filling prime time air with his hyperbolic ass-kissery the general public will be smarter, the freefall of the American IQ may stop, and our entire economy may turn around. We can get this country moving in the right direction people, it's all up to San Diego making Gruden an offer.

-I've always said that when it comes to gambling it's as hard to lose as it is to win - if it wasn't everyone could just pick a loser then fade themselves all the way to the bank. In fantasy football it is, presumably, a little easier to fall on your own sword. I can honestly say that I always preferred to win games than to lose them, even if I'm out of the playoff hunt. But with a team filled with the Michael Vicks, Anquan Boldins and Darren Sproles of the world, winning just wasn't in the cards. However, having been out of playoff contention for two weeks I've managed to string together two solid wins. I'll almost certainly lose next week when I play Drew Brees, Rob Gonkowski and the Victor Cruz's, but my dream of a top 4 pick is the roadkilliest.

-Congrats to all who made the playoffs. I'll be checking in periodically as interesting things happen, but I'll return to regular publication next summer with what are probably the most brilliant draft suggestions ever laid down by man. Seriously, I'm drafing an insanely great team next year. There's no way around it.