Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Tuesday Hangover: Oops, Miami accidentally won

It is not as hard to lose football games as it is to win them. But it might be as hard to lose every football game as it is to win every football game. Sometimes life just gets in the way. Sometimes Reggie Bush remembers what it was like when people thought he was good at football. Sometimes you just stare across the field and see the unshaven, self-satisfied, deeply annoying face of Todd Haley and you say to yourself: I cannot lose to this fuzzy dirthole.

And I suspect that's exactly what happened Sunday in Kansas City where the hapless Miami Dolphins walked into Arrowhead with a perfect record and walked out losers in the "Suck For Luck" sweepstakes. In a game where Matt Moore passed for almost 250 yards and 3 TDs and Reggie Bush pitched in nearly 150 of his own plus a TD the Dolphins showed us that even when faced with the possible thrill of going 0-16 and drafting Andrew Luck there is something so horrible about Todd Haley that will not let a team lay down for him, no matter the price. And the price tag on this one is huge because while Miami had been dangerously flirting with victory all season, the 0-9 Indianapolis Colts have run in the opposite direction and have been remorselessly pounded by everyone they have played since being embarrassed 62-7 by the saints on Sunday night.

So what's next? Clearly the game is over. Indy is the last zero win team in the league and their superior will to lose would seem to indicate that they are in no danger of picking up a W.

Of course even though this seems like they are a lock for Luck, the Stanford QB might just take a quick tour of the malls of Indianapolis and decide that midwest living isn't what he had in mind. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Luck was researching good masters programs offered by Stanford to see if he can't find a reasonable excuse to stay in college for one more year rather than hunker down on the bench behind Peyton Manning and his new robotic neck.

And I don't hate the Colts, I'm just rooting for humor here. And in my mind the funniest possible outcome is for a team to lay down all season in the hopes of landing the crown jewel of college quarterbackery only to have the jewel bypass the draft yet again rather than playing in Indy.

On to the week.

-One of the main differences in fantasy football and real football is that just because a fantasy owners gets annoyed with a fantasy player and benches him doesn't mean that Norv Turner will. And so my attempt to teach the underperforming Vincent Jackson a lesson by letting him cool his heels this week resulted in my leaving 32 points on my bench and losing a game to Aaron Rodgers who has become just about the only truly reliable fantasy player left. This drops my best team of the season to a 3-way tie for 3rd place where I will likely end up losing to some idiotic Cleveland Browns fan.

-Speaking of Rodgers, there's been a lot of rumbling about how he's the greatest quarterback ever of all time in the whole world including Joe Montana. Which makes me want badly to point out that back in the day when Montana was putting up sick statistics he was doing it in an environment where it wasn't a criminal offense for a linebacker to crush a QBs spine, and cornerback were not playing two-hand touch with the receivers. Quarterbacks in the NFL today get more protection than endangered species do. There's a 6 square inch spot located just above a QBs belly button where it is permissible for him to be hit, everything else is off limits. To this day Joe Montana has little pieces of Lawrence Taylor lodged in his skull and deep in his bowels. Don't ever compare Aaron Rodgers to Joe Montana, it's just dumb.

-Do you have any idea how hard it is to end a fantasy game in a tie? It's virtually impossible, even more so in a league with fractional scoring. So when Michael Vick laid a Bear-sized egg in Philly last night his 14 point performance somehow managed to give me just enough juice to end my game in a tie with the second worst team in the league. 97.5 to 97.5. I did a little unscientific research and learned that there are better odds of me scratching a winning lottery ticket while being eaten by a shark who is being eaten by a bear in Jake Delhomme's living room. My season was bad enough, now I have a tie on my record. I have half a mind to not start a QB for the rest of the year a protest.

-So this DeMarco Murray is pretty good huh? Funny story, when the Cedric Benson suspension was announced I zipped out and picked up Bernard Scott so I could have a starting RB for 3 games. The incensed owner of Benson offered to trade me Murray and Tashard Choice for Scott, claiming that we are all aware of what a huge sissy Felix Jones is. I laughed at him. Two weeks later Benson's suspension was cut to 1 game, Felix was in full sissy mode and DeMarco Murray was making Jerry Jones wet himself. I'm an idiot.

-My good friend proudly announced Sunday morning that he was going to make some big changes in his lineup. he was going to start Tim Tebow and he was going to bench Jordy Nelson in favor of Darius Heyward Bey. Exactly 50% of that decision turned out to be a good idea. Tebow had a pretty good day coming up with 2 TD passes and more than 100 yards rushing, not too shabby, but unknown to the fantasy world, Heyward Bey had taken a PTO day on Sunday and was seen on a mere 12 snaps and had one ball thrown in his direction. You win some, you lose some.

-Remember back in the good ole days when Tom Brady was throwing for 1,000 yards every two games? Those days are over due in no small part to Ochocinco being really bad at playing football. I'm starting to think that maybe the Tight End, Tight End, Welker, Running Back of the day business model isn't working as well as you might think.

-I won't generally agree with my friend who complains nonstop about how fantasy football is not an accurate reflection of real football, but I have to admit that this week there were two QBs out there who by all reports were at least partially responsible for their team's respective defeats, but statistically had enormous fantasy days. Like if you didn't watch the Raiders or the Chargers play and you only saw that Philip Rivers put up 36 points and Carson Palmer posted nearly 30 you might think they had successful outings. I'm at peace with this teensy discrepancy.

-Speaking of Palmer and Rivers, they get to face off in the year's first Thursday night game where they will try to out interception one another. My money is on Rivers. Let this be your reminder to set your lineups early this week. Good Luck.


Anonymous said...

I watched the Patriots game - Brady missed Ocho on at least two of those passes. Had the golden boy actually been able to get it close to Ocho, he would've hauled both of them in.

J said...

I wonder why we love fantasy football so much. Isn't it painfully obvious that those of us will die early because of heart trouble or injuries resulting from our fits of rage? I'm probably going to go out like that dude on "1,000 Ways to Die" who wrestled with his buddies and ended up putting his head through a TV. This is such a maddening game.

My QB is Schaub. He decided he was going to go toe-to-toe with Rivers for most QB turnovers in a game and got me 9 points. Meanwhile, I had been running with the Raiders ST all year (as I have mentioned before, my league continues to cling to an asinine belief that D and ST must be separate units). When the Raiders went on bye last week, I picked up the Broncos ST, planning to re-acquire the Raiders ST. I forgot to do so. Then the Broncos get a punt return TD and I get 25 points from the unit. My starting TE, Pettigrew, was on bye, and my backup TD, Winslow, gets a TD in garbage time. I win my game in a landslide.

I'm trying to enjoy it. There is no greater testimony to regression to the mean than my fantasy team, so I'm sure that the great fortune that came my way last week will result in Schaub throwing 5 picks and Darren Sproles having his leg torn off his body this week.