Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Tuesday Hangover: The week no one rushed out to get Tim Tebow

If your league is anything like mine are then it's filled with people falling all over themselves to pick up every one hit wonder about 5 minutes after he's had his hit. I'm extremely guilty of this with rosters virtually filled with names like Torrey Smith, Denarius Moore, Victor Cruz and now Alex Smith.

By any accounting measure Denarius Moore was an absolute waste of space this weekend having been completely supplanted by Darius Heyward-Bey who apparently learned how t0 catch a football two weeks ago. Torrey Smith was on a bye but he performed as well on his off week as he did in the week following his record-breaking inaugural performance.

Alex Smith had a fine day but now that he's sitting on my bench he's guaranteed to turn back into a pumpkin.

In fact the only good pick up I've enjoyed this year has been Victor Cruz - the ball-bobbling king of the Meadowlands who went for 160 yards and a touchdown on Sunday in the Giants delightful losing effort against the Seahawks.

The funny thing is - for all the fantasy owners running around in mad circles trying to procure the next greatest pick up, in the four leagues I'm in the only guy who seems even remotely interested in owning Tim Tebow was a South African safari guide whose claim to fame is that he stole Benecio Del Toro's girlfriend. Which is slightly better than my claim to fame that I stood next to the lead singer of Everclear at the 9:30 club in D.C. for the entire playing of the Ruth Ruth song Uninvited. He's tiny. Teeny. Tiny. Like 4 foot something. I felt like a giant.

So why isn't the whole world scampering to get their hands on Tebow? I think there are two reasons: 1) Unless you were regularly starting Kyle Orton (in which case your team is stinky) you automatically have a QB that is better than Tebow ever will be. But more importantly is 2) When the only reason the head coach is starting the guy is to get the hoi polloi off his ass it's never a good sign.

Allow me to put this another way. Tim Tebow has been sitting on the bench behind Brady Quinn on a John Fox coached team. So it's not as if Fox arrived in Denver, saw that he had Brady Quinn in the lineup and said to himself "I wonder what this kid can do." We know that's not the case because Fox is intimately familiar with the shortcomings of one Mr. Quinn. And even still he put Quinn ahead of Tebow on the depth chart.

But at 1-4, and with Kyle Orton collapsing under the hatred of thousands of otherwise reasonable Denver fans, Fox throws up his arms and says something along the lines of "Screw It! Start Tebow!" If you happened to be watching that game you will have noted that if Tebow could only throw in the general direction of his receivers he'd be viable QB. But his numbers 4 for 10, tell you all you need to know.

I'm not hating on Tebow, far from it, if anything he made Knowshon Moreno as relevant as he's been since his days in the SEC, which is nice. I just wouldn't put him on my team.

In other news:
>>I had the misfortune of starting Percy "The Migraine" Harvin in a league due to bye week depletion coupled with a terrifically bad team. When I looked at the scoreboard in the 1st quarter and saw that the the Vikings were up 21-0 over the horrible Cardinals I thought for sure their second best player and top receiver must have something to do with this windfall of points. But no. It was, and remained for the rest of the day, all Adrian Peterson who in spectacular fashion racked up 122 yards and 3 touchdowns in the 34 -10 rout of Arizona. This is what happens when the player formerly known as McNabb is your QB. Receivers just disappear like they were in witness protection.
>>Tim Allen, promoting his new show about a manger of a outdoor store ran an ad during MNF in which he chastised fantasy owners singling them out a a group who needs to to get outside.

Guess how he phrased it:

a) Real men get out and play sports rather than watching it on TV.
b) Real men spend their money on rifles and beef jerky not fantasy leagues.
c) Women prefer men who kill their own game to those who play games on computers.
d) The outdoors is like a free tanning bed.

If you guessed D, you win. That's right - in trying to pitch his show to guys watching football at 9 p.m. after a long day of work Tim Allen suggested that we are all pale and should go lay out in the sun because it's a free way to bronze up. Who is he selling his show to? The Metro Sexual fantasy owner? I honestly can't think of one adult man who thinks getting a tan is preferable to watching the NFL. Not one.

>>Last week's mad rush to pick up Stevan Ridley had the obvious effect of turning Ben Jarvus Green Ellis into a monster for one week only. Fantasy Football Rule No. 1 - do not ever start, or even own, a running back in a Bill Belichick system.

>>ESPN come up with some place better than an RV for Jon Gruden to interview highly successful professional athletes? Everyone who sits down with him has a look in their eye that this is exactly what their mother told them never to do.

>>I think if fantasy defenses got points for offensive penalties and lost points for defensive penalties games like last night's flag fest would be a lot more interesting.

>>Jay Cutler gets hit more than Snoop Dog's pipe. Guy had an admirable day for a man who looks like he needs a rape whistle.

>>I made the rookie mistake of starting 5 different Denver Broncos in 4 different leagues. I'm confident that did not happen anywhere else in America. Poor John Fox is the only person who should ever start more than one Bronco.

>>Is it safe for me to start telling people I'm a 49ers fan again without having to deal with the same facial expression you get when you tell people your puppy died?

Andrew Luck Update:

Sitting on the couch flipping around games my father mentioned that the Colts were winning big against Kansas City and my theory about them tanking was a total bust. Fortunately for Colt's coach Jim Caldwell my Dad was wrong. Caldwell was able to rein the team in after a little too solid a start. Going up big on Kansas City is a helluva risky way to give the impression that you aren't tanking (especially when you definitely are) and I'm sure it was a move not at all approved of by owner Jim Irsay. In fact I hear Irsay was so relieved by Steve Breaston's game winning, fourth quarter TD that he offered to name the street in front of the stadium Breaston Way. Which is a pretty good name for a street if you ask me.


J said...

I, too, have made exactly one good pickup this year. My league held its draft on 8/28. I went kicker early, taking Garrett Hartley in round 12. About 2 hours later, he blew his hip out. Fortunately, I was first in our waiver wire due to having the last pick in the first round. So I picked up John Kasay.

How sad is your life when your best free agent pickup is a freaking kicker? Very sad. But it's even sadder than you think when you see that your team is 2-3 and would be 5-0 had you only started the right players. Week 3 saw me lose because I started Kellen Winslow the week Brandon Pettigrew dropped 39 (120 yards, 10 catches - yes, we give 10-pt bonus for 100 yards and 7-pt bonus for 10 catches). Last week the Jets 2 defensive TDs spruced up my bench scoring quite nicely while I started the Bucs D. And this week, I lost because I started the Bucs D over the Jets D again, causing me to call you and Jim Harbaugh every dirty name I could think of. I was second in my league in scoring this week - second to my opponent, by 8 points. I swear I expected to pull up my league site this morning to find that Dez Bryant had scored 20 points on his bye week. My wife keeps asking why I abuse myself in this manner. I have no answer for her.

B-Man said...

Don't pick up Tim Tebow as your fantasy QB at your own peril. In his 3 starts in the last 3 games of the 2010 season, his fantasy numbers were:

12/19 @ OAK: 26 pts
12/26 HOU: 24 pts
1/2 SD: 31 pts

Last week in *one* half vs. SD, he had 18 pts.

His accuracy #'s (less than 50% completions) have had no impact on his fantasy #'s. He's a Vick-like dual fantasy threat running and throwing. And his first game is at winless Miami where he is being honored with the 2009 Florida Gators National Championship team.

I've put in a waiver request for him in all my leagues.

Anonymous said...

Tebow ain't no Cam Newton. That's for sure...

Anonymous said...

I think tebow(in 2 weeks) gets you around 14 fantasy points with 40 yards rushing and a good chance of a rushing td.Very average,but with all the byes coming up,sexy rexy,matt moore, and j campbell are your only other 1 week pickups.I also think MIAMI has the best shot at getting andrew luck because of their tough schedule.I burned my #1 waiver wire pickup for isaac redman last week and the bum got me 5 points.Oh boy!Are there ANY fantasy guru's who actually get their predictions right? I thought matthew berry of espn and jamey isenberg of cbs were the best.

Anonymous said...

Tebow ain't no Cam Newton. That's for sure...

October 11, 2011 5:26 PM

Fucking idiot. U got that right.

Tbow is a trillion times better and a real man not a cheat lying scoundrel who should be in jail.

ps If Newton were white he would be hated as bad as Clausen Jake or Fox was. People know the score.

Anonymous said...

At Anon 5:26.

I'm a Gator fan and a Panthers fan. I like Tebow and Cam. Your comments are moronic, judgemental, and smack of racism. Tebow is certainly an outstanding and classy person and i wish him the best as an NFL QB and hope he does well. But just let go of Cam's past. You know nothing about him deep down inside, so shut up. He's been outstanding and caused no trouble since he's been in Charlotte.