Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday Hangover, Wednesday-style

Please pardon my tardiness. I have been battling Edgar Allen Poe-level depression/alcoholism since my fantasy season ended with a double defeat Monday night. Season's end, that's natural. Some of them end better than others but most people do not win championships every year so getting bumped from the playoffs, while annoying, isn't much to cry about.
Except when it happens like this:

Sunday morning, looking at my lineup as I prepare to face the worst team in the league. If I win and some clown loses then I make the 4-team postseason. I've got tough matchups but all-star players across the board - except Eli - he's a complete crapsack. The biggest weakness is Shayne Graham playing in an arctic-grade snow dump against a tough D on a team that pretty much just score TDs. Easy bench, right? Let's get a guy in a dome, right? Two of them sitting around, Josh Brown and Mason Crosby. Both are fine and my gut tells me Josh Brown. I get a call from my co-owner before kickoff saying Crosby a better call and he's made the swap. I don't like it, but who cares? Right?

Well, after Michael Turner and MJD get done face-punching me in the 1p.m. games, and the Dolphins and Welker get done curbing my in the 4 p.m.s I'm starting to think that being down by 120 points it might not matter about that kicker after all, I mean Jamaal Charles has already started coasting on his new paycheck and Santonio Holmes is dropping gimmies in the endzone so I stand no chance, right? That's how I felt going into the Sunday night game when out of the blue Kitna and Witten fall in love and DeSean Jackson ascends to a higher plane. All the sudden my 120 point deficit has been cut in half and I still have Eli, Giants D and Andre Johnson left on the plate versus Neil Racker. Not likely but possible.

To shorten this sermon let's just say that Eli must get bonuses for keeping his Defense on the field. But Andre is not to be stifled and that mother brought me to within 3 points of the win. Guess what? Brown outscored Crosby by 4.

There's always next season.

And there's always next season for us too. The Owners are breaking into family/holiday mode and will be posting spottily for the foreseeable future. We won't be here as often but we'll still be around, planning and plotting to make sure that next season no fantasy owner in America drafts Eli Manning, that pimply squid.

Also, we are starting a fundraiser/awareness campaign top make Miller Lite stop making those horrendous ads where the hot bartender mocks her customers for not buying Miller Lite. There is so much wrong with these commercials.
1) I've been in a lot of bars and no one has ever asked if I wanted more taste or less taste. And if they ever did and the More Taste option was Miller Lite I'd kick their mouth shut. Miller Lite is fine. Just fine. But don't come around telling me that it is THE tasty option out there. It's a joke.
2) As long as you are not a dude ordering a Bacardi Breezer, no bartender worth a damn is going to make fun of you. No matter how hot they are. For that matter, the hotter the bartender, the nicer the bartender. Do some research. It's a fact.
3) Would a bartender ever call a customer a Momma's Boy for not ordering a Miller Lite? Does my mother really want me out at a bar drinking Miller Lite but NOT, say, a Coors? It doesn't make any sense.

I've always thought the Miller Lite ads had an edge over the Bud Light ads, but this year it's so lopsided I can't even stand it. And it's not because Bud Light found a funny gimmick. They really didn't. But I can buy a crowd of men looking to Schmeplicate with the sexy aliens for some free beer over the cocktail waitress who calls out the guy for wearing sunglasses at night. Servers live on tips for Christ's sake, they can pretend to be the nicest most understanding people in the world if they think they'll get $5 out of you. And I'm not just saying this because I wear a Sunglasses a dragon shirt and Speedos out to the bar at midnight.

And if I may make one more plea for next season: For the love of GOD someone had better hire Jon Gruden. The Monday Night Franchise will wither and die if Gruden's stream of consciousness is allowed to freely escape into our homes once a week for 4 hours. It's too much. And if he doesn't take a coaching job because he finds that his ego is much better soothed sitting in the limelight making the game all about his thoughts and feelings then I implore Mike Tirico to duct tape him to a chair and pistol whip him for a good 2 hours before airtime every Monday, that should take a little pep out of him.

If you have any crazy playoff stories share them in the comments section, we'll be reading.

-Eric Edwards

2 comments:

GK said...

This week was our first week of playoffs in my Yahoo! league. I snuck into the playoffs as a five seed and drew the team that beat me twice in the regular season by pretty sizable margins.

The same guy who had Mike Vick during his 50 point week. Needless to say, I wasn't terribly confident, but assembled the best lineup I had.

All I have to say is thank God for the return of Peyton Manning, DeSean Jackson, Jason Witten and Darren McFadden. Those guys were all huge and helped me get my highest point total of the season - no better time to do it.

Next I play our league's top team, but unfortunately (for him) he has Aaron Rodgers. I've got Greg Jennings, so wishing Rodgers away hurts me too, but I've got a few other WRs that can pick up the slack if Jennings doesn't look startable.

The Owners said...

If your WR can offset your opponent's QB you're usually in pretty good shape. Like a rook taking out a queen.