Monday, November 1, 2010

Tuesday Hangover - Week 8

Has a guy who is a concensus fantasy first-rounder ever been traded by his actual team and then dropped outright by the new team? I can't think of one example of this happening until it happened to Randy Moss yesterday. So if you are a Randy Moss owner, it is first important to note that you have been warned about this for years. You chose to roll the dice on the guy when he went to New England, he delivered massive ROI, reinstilled the fantasy community's faith in him, then just when you thought he was a reliable first-round pick, he takes a dump all over your season. Hilarious. As I see it, there is no ceiling for how ticked these owners should be. None. And hey Moss, way to go out on a high note, 1 reception for 8 yards. I bet somewhere there is a dead guy whose wife is trying to come up with a better explanation to give to authorities than "He started Randy Moss and it didn't end well."

Other people who are considering replacing the sugar in their coffee with arsenic:

>> Kenny Britt owners. You saw this one coming from a mile away right? I mean, this is a layup. Guy has a decent season. Guy is on and off the bench. Guy puts up a stratospheric performance. Guy gets promoted to a No. 1, must-start WR. Guy gets injured 5 minutes later and will miss "an extended period of time."

>> Ditto Knowshon Moreno. Never bet on a man who had fish and chips for breakfast. Rule no. 2.

>> Ditto Lee Evans. Never bet on Lee Evans. Rule no. 1.

>> The Law Firm owners. This is more of a code yellow variety of annoyance. You didn't start him, he blew up, you probably will continue to not start him because you still can't trust that offense to make him a priority. It's like Belichick is wired in to all ESPN, CBS and Yahoo! leagues and the second one of his players drops below 30% started he gives that guy a break out week. The second you bench Welker he's going to score 50 points.

>> Marshawn Lynch. Beast Mode is really turning up the heat in Seattle isn't he? Did you see the way he punched the ground after one of his nine rushing attempts that added up to 7 total yards? The guy is passionate. I can't believe I actually wasted brainpower trying to decide if Lynch was worth a bench spot on my team. He's not worth the $1 transaction fee. He's trying to out-Maroney Maroney. That's a tall order, but if anyone can do it, Beast Mode can.

>> Aaron Rodgers owners. If he gives you a 30-point game you win, right? Yeah, I thought so. Don't you love it when after a particularly miserable game the player will say he's just glad "they got the win. That's what's important." Don't you want to clobber him with a turkey leg when he says that? I do.

>> Vikings D. Cowboys D. Titans D. Patriots D. Way to show up, playas.


But all was not bad. Not by a long shot. With any luck we are seeing the season gel into form. Barring injuries it seems like teams are starting to find their lineups.

>> Matt Stafford was back from his shoulder injury and only horrified owners 3 times when he hit the ground and got up painfully. Other than that, a 4-TD, 26-completion day is a good sign for owners who held on to him.

>> Is Jamaal Charles finally ready to take over the Chiefs offense? Thomas Jones did have more carries (still), but no one in the NFL makes takes better advantage of his touches than Charles, who averages exactly 12,000 yards per carry. That is not an exaggeration.

>> Calvin Johnson. 'Bout. Freakin'. Time.

>> Frank Gore continues to deliver. Is there a more reliable back in the NFL? Season low is 10. Season high is 36.5. His last 3 games have gone over 100 yards and throw in a TD this weekend. He's the top fantasy scoring RB in many, many leagues. Funny story: The guy who drafted directly ahead of me took Gore over Andre Johnson and I laughed so hard I sprained my jaw. But now? Maybe I'm not laughing so much. Or at all. Well played Al, well played.

>> Jason Witten. Remember, you heard it here 73rd, but Witten is reborn under Kitna, who obviously cannot be trusted to throw the ball more than 15 feet. Kitna's elderly, his eyes aren't what they used to be (and they never were much -- rimshot). Witten is a like a walker with tennis balls to that guy.

>> Oh yeah, hi, Larry Fitzgerald. Nice to see you too. Sometimes I forget that the media thinks you're the greatest WR of your generation. You're not. But it's nice to see you pretend to be slightly above average every now and again. Did I mention that Anquan Boldin has always been better than you? He is.

>> Tampa Mike Williams. Your quietly good season just got a little louder. Let's see some more of those 100 yard/TD games. I personally am facing a bit of a Mike Williams crisis. I've got both of them, plus DeSean & Andre Johnson. Can't start 'em all. Looks like I'll be flipping coins on Williamses for the rest of the season.

>>Was there any way Jacob Tamme wasn't going to score? I'd love to see the stat about how many games were won Monday night on the back of a guy you'd never heard of until last week.

>>It's worth pointing out that the Monday Night Crew in general and Jon Gruden in particular have taken the Peyton Manning idolatry to new and painfully annoying levels. There was not one full minute of time when Peyton was on the field that Gruden wasn't just slobbering all over him.

"I've never seen a practice like the practice I saw last week in Indy, Manning was nothing short of the greatest field general in military history."

"Any catch made within 3 miles of Manning must be attributed to his greatness. I once saw him turn loaves into fishes. It was spectacular. We didn't know what to do with all that fish, but still spectacular!"

"Any ball dropped by a Colts receiver causes Manning sleepless nights and hives even though he has never been at fault for the missed ball, all praise Manning."

"Manning is the light and the path and the glory, in his name we play. Amen."

Listen. I love a good laser-rocket-arm commercial as much as the next guy. And Peyton is a great QB. Fine. But someday we're going to find that Manning has a secret harem of underage Thai hookers caged up in his cellar. Or that he puts shards of glass in Halloween candy. Or that he bakes live bunnies into delicious live-bunny pies which he sells at an incredible markup to Kim Jong-il and Fidel Castro, because he loves dictators and communists. Or worse, he never wins another Super Bowl. And we're going to be super pissed. Like Tiger Woods-grade pissed. Because no one gets built up this much in the media without some dark, damning, bunny baking, big-game-losing secret.

So for the sake of Manning's image, I'd like to see an announcer lay off the hyperbolic platitudes every time he's anywhere near the ball. It is a treat to watch him play well, I don't need to be told how lucky I am every time he takes a snap.

-Eric Edwards

2 comments:

J said...

You left out one group of owners who may be sipping on poison voluntarily - Marques Colston owners. The single most under-achieving bum that has ever inhabited this planet.

And then there are Steve Breaston owners, most of whom heeded the advice of the experts who said you should not expect anything from a guy who has been out since week 3. So of course they all bench him and he scores 47,000 fantasy points.

And yes, I own both these guys. My 4-4 record shows how inconsistent my whole roster is.

The Owners said...

I agree with you completely on Breaston, but I bet he wasn't even on that many rosters at all. In two leagues I'm in he got swiped up off waivers.

Colston however didn't have a bad day. 6 receptions for75 yards and TD, I'll take that. Tho his "no-show" weeks have been piling up this year, that's for sure.